By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW
It starts with the best of intentions. Your daughter expresses an interest in playing soccer, so
you sign her up at 4 years old. You want to make sure she starts early, so she doesn’t get left
behind. Pretty soon, you sign her up for Girl Scouts, a wholesome activity that builds
character, right? Next, you enroll her in piano lessons – you think that you should expose her to
an instrument as you want to make sure that she well rounded.
As time goes by and her friends start different activities, you want to give her those same
opportunities… so you let her join the softball team. Then she wants to try basketball, so you let
her do that too. Before long, you realize that if she is going to have any chance of playing
soccer long term, she had better get on a select club team to be challenged and get good
coaching. You soon realize that a club team is a big commitment – it is year-round, they practice
twice a week and have tournaments every weekend – but you feel it is worth it because you
want her to be able to play in high school, at the very least. You don’t mind letting her do a few
clubs after school also, because you want to keep her occupied after school (we all know what
happens to kids with too much free time!), and besides, it will look good on a college application.
One day you wake up and look at your calendar and feel paralyzed: she has basketball and
drama club on Mondays, soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, piano and Girl Scouts on
Wednesdays, yearbook club on Fridays, and tournaments every weekend, some out of town.
This doesn’t even count homework or school projects. And this is only one child…
Todays youth are stressed as never before. Academically, our children have shorter summers,
fewer free periods, tougher grading standards, and are taking more college level classes in high
school, etc. Athletically, kids are encouraged to be on competitive travel teams that run year-
round (vs. just seasonally), specialize at young ages, have games at 10 pm some nights, etc.
Socially, there is pressure to be available at all times – the constant buzz of cell phones,
interruptions from texts at all hours of the night, etc. sets up an expectation that our children
should always be responding to texts and participating on social media. It is very easy for both
kids and parents to feel completely overwhelmed and out of balance.
We ask ourselves – how did we get here? There are a few societal reasons that have combined
to create this insidious phenomenon. First of all, we have been inundated with the message that
the world is a dangerous place for kids these days. This has inspired a knee jerk reaction to
make sure kids are involved in structured activities instead of just letting them have free play
time after school. While these fears are well founded in some areas, this has extended into
many areas where crime is rare or nonexistent. In addition, we have also learned to be fearful
that our children will miss out or be left behind. This fuels early, intense involvement in activities,
as many parents fear that if they delay starting a sport or a musical instrument that their child
may never be able to compete.
On top of all of this, because we have heard the message that colleges are looking for "well
rounded" applicants, we can fall into the trap of thinking the busier our children are, the better
job we are doing as parents. Overall, there is just a general increased pressure on our children
to achieve – from knowing their alphabet and colors before school, to being expected to be on
the select teams at a young age, to worrying about what colleges will accept them (far earlier
than is necessary) – our youth are very driven by their achievements and resume of activities.
No doubt, most parents usually just want what seems best for their kids. Even when intentions
are good, though, kids can easily become overscheduled. The pressure to participate in a
handful of activities all the time and to can be physically and emotionally exhausting
for parents and kids alike, and can leave us all feeling disconnected.
Sooner or later, kids who are too busy will begin to show signs.
Every child is different, but overscheduled kids may exhibit these red flags:
feel tired, anxious, or depressed
complain of headaches and stomachaches, which may be due to stress, missed meals,
or lack of sleep
fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
want to drop out of previously enjoyed activities
difficulty making, keeping, or enjoying the company of their friends
a reluctance or refusal to go to school or get out of bed
self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide
It is important to pay attention, as the effects of being out of balance can be far reaching and
impact all of us. Individually, we are more prone to both mental and physical illness when we are
stressed and overwhelmed. Our cortisol levels increase – which physically shrinks the
hippocampus, one of the memory centers of the brain. Cortisol affects our white blood cell
functioning, and we end up sicker more often. Elevated cortisol also negatively impacts
serotonin (a brain chemical key to depression and anxiety). We end up with tired, irritable kids
who aren’t learning as easily and who are more and more dependent upon us because they are
not able to successfully manage their own lives independently.
Family life also can suffer – when one parent is driving to basketball practice and the other is
carpooling to dance class, meals are missed. As a result, some families rarely eat dinner
together and may not take the extra time to stay connected. Plus, the weekly grind of driving
kids all over the place and getting to one class, game, or practice after another can be
downright tiresome and stressful for parents. This can all impact the connection between kids
and parents, and between couples as well. We can easily end up feeling very disconnected
from one another… this can lead to poor communication, being out of touch with kids lives, and
marital struggles.
SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS TO MAINTAIN BALANCE:
Agree on ground rules ahead of time. For instance, plan on kids playing one sport per
season or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week. This may
make for some difficult choices, but this is one way to keep a balance.
Know how much time is required before committing to an activity. For example, will there
be time to practice between lessons? Does your child realize that soccer practice is
twice a week, right after school until dinnertime? Then theres the weekly game to
consider, too. Is travel involved? Be very clear about expectations as you make
decisions to join a new team, musical, or activity.
Keep a calendar to stay organized. Display it on the refrigerator or other prominent spot
so that everybody can stay up-to-date. And if you find an empty space on the calendar,
leave it alone!
Create structured family time. If you’re eating fast food on the run every night, plan a
few dinners when everyone can be home at the same time, even if it means eating a
little later. Numerous studies have shown that families who eat dinner together report
stronger relationships and better grades. According to a study by the National Center on
Addiction and Abuse at Columbia University, kids and teens who eat dinner with their
families at least five times a week have a much lower risk of substance abuse. Schedule
family fun time, too, whether it’s playing a board game or going on bike ride or hike. We
can easily forget or underestimate the importance of family connection in protecting our
children.
Take charge of technology! Set up a central family charging station so that our children
can turn in technology each night. This helps kids set a boundary with their peers – for
example, no phones after 9 pm. In addition, it keeps kids from being disturbed in the
night, and also helps prevent them from making poor choices online late at night.
Try to carpool with other parents to make life easier, and to free up more time for our
other children, spouse, and/or ourselves. When you do end up driving, turn off the radio
and use the time to TALK. Kids frequently open up while you are driving and they arent looking at you… it can be a surprisingly good time to connect.
Build in time to do things for yourself. It is important to make some time for ourselves –
whether we make time to read, take a walk, chat with a friend, or whatever works – we
need to do this so we don’t get too burned out.
Help your children set priorities. If kids start struggling academically, they may need to
drop an activity. Or, consider avoiding some AP classes if students can’t keep up at that
pace. But while school is a priority, remember to not let the focus be all about academic
achievement. We need to have talks with our kids about finding a balance – let them
make choices about where to put their energy. Let them know that taking care of
themselves (having some free time, being involved in some other activities) is at least as
important as making that 4.0 that they are striving for. So many young people are
obsessed with having straight A’s that they start developing anxiety
and perfectionist tendencies. Help your children see that having balance and stable
mental health is important for the big picture of their lives, and that they are valued for
who they are, not what they achieve. Assure them that their performance does not
define them!
Know when to say no. If your child is already doing a lot but really wants to take on
another activity, discuss what other activity or activities need to be dropped to make
room for the new one. And don’t be afraid to set boundaries to protect your family time! It
is perfectly ok to say no to a practice or game when you want to protect your family time
(ie. traditional family activities around holiday times, weekends to lake, family gatherings,
etc.). Let children see that it is acceptable to make family connection a priority!
Essentially, it comes down to realizing that it is our job, as parents, to protect our children and
families. We need to be brave enough to set boundaries and take the lead on this. While this is
a cultural struggle, it is up to us as individuals to start drawing the lines and take back our
families. We can't expect change unless it begins at home. We need to give our children the
message that they are not defined by their achievements, as society is telling them that they
very much are. And, while many of us are fearful that if we miss games or don’t feed into the
societal expectations that our children will pay the price, it could be argued that the price our
kids pay is much greater if we do nothing. Our children need us, they need their families. Let's
show them that we will make that the priority!
