11 Apr
Jay Divorce, Family No Comments

Loving with Intention: The Myth of Happily Ever After

Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW

Are you starting to feel worried that you are growing apart from your spouse or long-term partner these days?
Are you concerned that the passion that you once shared is dissipating and that you are becoming bored and
dissatisfied with your life together? Are you beginning to think that you might love your partner, but aren’t
feeling “in love” with them anymore? What if you were told that all of this is not necessarily the end of your
happiness together, but can be quite normal?

This is not to suggest that these concerns are not red flags, because they are certainly concerns to which one
should pay attention. Nor is this suggesting that couples should not strive to improve these aspects in their
long-term relationship, because any relationship should include times of passion and excitement.
However, it is suggesting that we often have unrealistic expectations about what romance and passion should
look like and that we should not give up on our relationships when we start to feel this fading. Our long-
term relationships are inevitably going to have ups and downs, and it is quite common to feel this way at some
point in a long-term relationship. So many couples break up or divorce when they go through these difficult
seasons, when there is still so much good left to build on. Sadly, after some time has passed, some of these
couples end up regretting this decision to walk away so easily. Many couples have found that when they
choose to do so, they can often not only work through these difficult feelings together but can surprisingly
end up happier than ever.

Our culture has done a disservice to us all. We are inundated with steamy romance novels, movies in which
we watch “soulmates” who are destined to be together and share a love story that moves us to tears, syrupy songs
on the radio that have us wanting that “once-in-a-lifetime love,” and commercials that make every relationship
look perfect. Even social media has allowed real-life couples to portray themselves as living the dream life
together. It can sometimes seem as if every other couple in the world is living a more exciting, passionate life
together than we are. The harsh reality is that much of what we are exposed to is largely a fantasy. We are
only seeing a glimpse of the whole story, characters who aren’t real people, and an airbrushed highlight reel of
exciting moments – and are being made to believe that this is what we should expect in real life, year in and
year out.

We are, as a society at large, buying into the fantasy; we believe that since everyone else seems to have a
“larger than life” love story, we should, too. It is very easy for us to start to think that the grass is greener
somewhere else and that we are “settling“ if our marriage doesn’t look like what we see on the big screen or
even like what our Facebook friends appear to be living. What we need to know is this: any long-term
the relationship is going to have cycles of highs and lows, sometimes very low lows, and this is expected and
NORMAL! No one prepares us for this. Even as children, we are shown fairy tales where the couple
finally ends up together and goes on to live happily ever after…right?
Happily ever after is certainly possible, but not without a lot of hard work. As we get older, we may have been
told that marriage/long-term relationships can be hard, but we never really understand how hard they can be, or that those difficulties will happen to us. We can’t begin to imagine how busy life can be with work, children,
and all of our demands, and just what that can do to our romantic life. We can't understand how tough it can
be when the little annoyances sometimes turn into big resentments. We all start out believing that we are
invincible and that our love is one for the ages. However, even the strongest couples can lose the spark
without putting in the hard work and doing the little things to keep connected. We just can’t comprehend that
we might one day be that couple, looking at one another, asking what we ever found attractive about him/her
in the first place.

Emotions are fickle. Feelings come and go. However, increasingly our culture is telling us to follow our
emotions if we want true happiness. We are being told to “follow our heart” if we aren’t feeling “in love”
anymore. We are being told that our relationships, just like our shoes and our clothes, are disposable, and that if
we are not feeling happy, we should just throw our partner away and find a new one. Again, this is not
suggesting that we should not listen to our hearts or to our feelings. However, we need to also listen to our
minds. We need to be aware that our feelings and emotions can become very clouded and can change, week
to week, year to year. It is important to consider more than just our feelings when making major decisions
about our relationships.

This is proposing a concept that goes against much of what pop culture teaches us: we need to sometimes
CHOOSE to love our partner, even when we don’t feel like loving. Much of the time, if a relationship has a
strong and healthy foundation with two emotionally healthy people, we can push through these times because
romantic feelings and passionate encounters CAN and DO come back. There are certainly extenuating
circumstances (such as when there is abuse in any form, repeated infidelity, untreated and ongoing addictions,
etc.) that are simply not healthy. In these instances, the toxic relationship would need to be seriously re-
evaluated. However, when we do have a relatively healthy partner, there are ways to love with intention that
can transform a relationship into something extremely powerful. This can create an emotional safety that
inspires amazing things to happen.

Here are a few examples of ways to love with intention:
 Try to invite your partner into closeness once a day – even if only for 15-20 minutes. Spend this
time sharing about your day and your feelings about things going on with you (NOT discussing logistical
concerns, kids, etc.) During this time, turn off the TV and cellphones, and give each other your full
attention. Take this time even if you are tired or busy – find a small window of time and just do it.
 CHOOSE to do something loving for your partner even when you don’t FEEL like it (rub their back, cook
them their favorite meal, hold their hand when they are upset, buy them a small treat that they love.)
Falling in love does not require intention or maturity – it just happens, and it is easy. Once that new
love shine has worn off, take the time to do something nice for your partner, even when you don’t
FEEL like it, can get us through the very hard times.
 Even when time and money are tight, carve out date nights regularly, at least once every two weeks,
but hopefully more often. It doesn’t have to be a night out – it could be feeding the kids and putting on
a movie for them while you have a candlelit dinner in the dining room. Take turns planning it. These
nights are an investment in your relationship that pays dividends. Even when you can barely remember what it feels like to feel desire for your partner, sometimes a night out or a long weekend away can ignite a spark of something unexpected.
 Start thinking about some aspirations that you have and encourage your partner to do the same. Then
share your dreams and goals for the next year and try to think of how you can support your partner in
his/her goals. Do this even if you aren’t feeling all warm and connected to your partner. Making plans
and sharing goals creates a sense of unity that encourages growth in a stagnant relationship.
 Do something NEW with your partner, something that neither of you has never done before. This
could be something like traveling to a new place together, zip lining together or taking dance lessons
together. It does not matter what it is, but this is important. Research has clearly shown that doing
novel and exciting activities together can improve relationship satisfaction.
Ideally, we can work on and address our relationship concerns before we get to the point where we feel
hopeless about our future together. The hope is that we will work hard at maintaining our romantic
connection before it all goes completely off the tracks. As stated previously, there are many things we can do
daily to prevent our relationships from deteriorating. However, many times we don’t pay
attention to problems in our relationships until things get quite bad. If you realize that your relationship has
spiraled out of control and you are unsure how to even begin to get it back on track, please know that there is
hope. There is no question that this is an incredibly difficult concept to embrace when you are going through a
tough time as a couple, but there is professional help. Some good counselors can walk with you
through this hard time, and they can help you learn how to better communicate, how to love with intention
and to choose one another – even when you don’t feel like it at all. It is not always an easy endeavor, and this
can be a long and arduous process.

As tempting as it is to give up and go seek out something new, many couples who take this path have paid the
heavy price of regret. The grass ends up not being greener on the other side. Sometimes, we end up trading
one set of problems for another set of issues. The fantasy that we end up chasing might feel good for a while,
but in the end, it is just that – a fleeting fantasy. Real, lasting love is not always easy, it includes a lot of
mistakes, and it is messy. If you ask, many couples with longevity will tell you that at some point or another,
they have felt like giving up. But they will also tell you that the reward of pushing through that dark winter
season when they just “didn’t feel it” is worth it. Ultimately, if we choose to love and learn to
love with intention, we are investing in something real, and even better than we could imagine when
we finally do come out on the other side.

03 Apr
Elizabeth Kowalik, MSW, LCSW, CCTP Family, Therapy No Comments

Wrapping our Minds Around EMDR

By Elizabeth Kowalik, MSW, LCSW, CCTP

 

In recent years, more and more individuals are reaching out asking for EMDR…but many
people do not know what it is or how it works. The aim of this article is to provide some
introductory information about this relatively new, and very effective treatment.

What’s the Big Idea?
Pioneered by Francine Shapiro in 1989, Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
(EMDR) utilizes an Adaptive Information Processing model to bring adaptive resolution to
distressing life experiences. After completed, EMDR treatment distress is relieved,
hyperarousal to the world is relieved, and negative beliefs are reformulated. Using an external
stimulus the memory network of the brain becomes malleable and receptive to processing new
information. The EMDR protocol offers purposeful organization of memories to create more
adaptive associations between a “stuck point” and the healthier, more positive information
gathered through life experiences. These new associations result in complete event
processing, new cognitive insights, successful emotional regulation, and an increase in distress
tolerance.
The mind can heal itself just like the body does by utilizing the healing properties of rapid eye
movements (REM) sleep cycles. The new information and experiences gathered throughout the
day are separated and categorized without you even noticing during the REM sleep cycles
throughout the night.
When something out of the ordinary happens like an unexpected and intense event (being bit by
a dog) or repeated exposure to stressful events (being bitten by a dog every time you go
outside) your natural ability to cope can be overloaded and ‘freeze’ as your brain prioritizes
survival over thought organization. This can lead to traumatic situations we have experienced
throughout our lives remaining ‘unprocessed’. Trauma can become isolated in the primal parts
of our brain storage. This part of the brain is intertwined with raw emotional and physical
reactions. It is absent of connection with the higher order thinking we use to reconcile our
feelings, thoughts, and behaviors with rationality and reasoning. Sometimes we aren’t even
capable of recalling the unprocessed events of our past, but the associated reactive emotions
like anxiety, panic, fear, and anger, are triggered by otherwise benign interactions. This of
course, inhibits our ability to live presently, engage with the world effectively, and feel safety.
EMDR helps create new connections between memory recall and emotional processing in the
brain by mimicking a natural REM sleep cycle and offering a “do-over” to assist the brain in
healing correctly.
To access the appropriate memory storage, the therapist has to use bilateral stimulation. This
means waking up both sides of the brain by alternating stimulation in rapid back and forth to a
specific sense. EMDR began using visual stimulation (moving the eyes from side the side).

Some therapists will use sounds where speakers on either side of the body alternate tones. A
more widely used technique recently is activation through the sense of touch where you’ll hold a
small device in each hand that sends alternating pulses or (completely painless and harmless)
buzzes.
This seems like hypnosis. Is this hypnosis?
No, EMDR is not hypnosis. During an EMDR session, you will remain completely alert and in
control. You can keep your eyes open; you can stop the process at any time, and there are very
low risks. Throughout the session the therapist will allow your natural healing system to take the
lead, intervening to keep your thoughts focused on the components of healing. New insights
and connections arise naturally, and most people find EMDR to be an incredibly empowering
therapy.
There are 8 phases of EMDR work which focus on building rapport and trust with your therapist,
gathering information about your history and present circumstances, assessing, and developing
effective coping strategies, and sense activation.
1) History Taking: This process involves the therapist understanding you! It’s imperative
that a therapeutic alliance is built between the therapist and the person seeking EMDR
treatment. Where you came from and where you are now are huge parts of your story
which will provide context as your brain rewrites your story.
2) Preparation: The therapist needs to know you have the resources to manage any
emotions EMDR might surface. You and your therapist will agree on a “window of
tolerance” to guarantee you feel safe throughout the process. You’ll talk about the skills
you already have and you’ll learn more helpful exercises to ensure you maintain
emotional safety through treatment.
3) Assessment: During this phase the EMDR candidate and the therapist agree on 3
distressing experiences targeted for reprocessing. This doesn’t mean going in depth of
the details, but rather listing the events and experiences in a way that is meaningful and
specific enough to resurface it into working memory.
4) Desensitization: This is the meat and potatoes of EMDR. Your therapist will ask you to
bring up the information related to the targeted memory and you’ll focus on that memory
while the therapist adds bilateral stimulation.
5) Installation: Once the targeted memory is no longer triggering, the therapist will guide
you through installing the positive cognition associated with the distressing experience.
Bilateral stimulation is continued throughout this process.
6) Body Scan: Your therapist will want to confirm there isn’t residual distress in your body.
You’ll think of both the targeting memory and the installed memory at the same time
while simultaneously scanning your body, noticing and reporting any sensations.
7) Closure: This phase is incredibly valuable as some memories are so intense that they
won’t reach reprocessing in a single session (although, equally, some do). During
closure your therapist will guide you through containment of the memory to ensure you

remain grounded and calm before leaving the session.
8) Reevaluation: You and your therapist will discuss what you are noticing in general and in
relation to the memory. You may decide to keep a journal of new memories that come
up between sessions or the benefits you notice in your daily life. You’ll have a
conversation about what’s working and also a possible redirection.
So, what’s all the buzz (pun intended) about?
It works. The reliability and validity of EMDR has been supported through rigorous research. It is
the most thoroughly researched method in the treatment of trauma and is endorsed by The
American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, Department of Defense,
Veterans Administration, and the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies.
It works faster. People tend to notice the benefits of EMDR much sooner than more
traditional therapy methods.
Less homework. Other forms of therapy can require journaling or some sort of guided
reflection. EMDR continues to make new connections even after the reprocessing session has
ended and you’ll only be expected to write down another memory you want to work on next
session (if something comes up).
Less stress. EMDR requires little description or reliving of negative experiences. The focus is to
process and move past the trauma by strengthening healthy bonds between the memory itself
and your brain’s reactions to that memory.

But I don’t think I have trauma.
EMDR has been used to effectively treat symptoms in addition to post-traumatic stress
including : anxiety, depression, addictions, phobias, anger, grief and loss, sleep
problems, intrusive thoughts, and low self-esteem. Ongoing studies continue to
support the probability of this list growing much longer.

13 Feb
West County Behavioral Health
Jamie Caldwell, MSW, LMSW Busy family, Family, Parenting Special Needs Child

Navigating the Challenges and Celebrating the Inch-stones: The Journey of Special Needs Parenting and Therapy

When we start out on our personal journey to become parents, we are often filled with hopes and dreams for our future children. We often look forward to celebrating each milestone – the first time they roll over, their first steps, the first time they say “Mama” or “Dada,” their first day of kindergarten, graduation, and getting married. As parents, we set out on this journey knowing it will be filled with joy and love, anticipating that we will face a few challenges along the way. However, for some of us, our hopes and dreams suddenly look a whole lot different than we anticipated. Unexpectedly, we are now referring to ourselves as someone we never imagined. We are now special needs parents. We are now the parents of a child with medical complexities. We are now a parent of a child with alternative abilities. All titles that we never dreamt of being called.

For those of us raising a child with special needs, the parenting journey can be uniquely demanding. It’s a journey that requires unwavering dedication, resilience, and a commitment to providing the best possible care for our children. We are forced to re-evaluate our hopes, dreams, and expectations. Milestones become a thing of the past; now we celebrate progress based on inch-stones. However, this is not something that we can often accept overnight. Sometimes, parents need assistance and guidance on accepting this new way of parenting. One invaluable resource that often plays a pivotal role in the lives of special needs families is therapy. In this article, we will explore the challenges faced by special needs parents and delve into the significant benefits that therapy can bring to both parents and children.

Challenges of Special Needs Parenting

Emotional Rollercoaster:

Special needs parents often experience a rollercoaster of emotions, including feelings of grief, frustration, and isolation. Coping with the diagnosis of a child’s special needs can be an overwhelming experience, and parents may find themselves grappling with uncertainty about the future.

Financial Strain:

The financial burden of raising a child with special needs can be substantial. Medical expenses, therapy costs, and special education services may strain family finances, adding an extra layer of stress to an already challenging situation.

Social Isolation:

Special needs parenting can be isolating, as families may face difficulties in finding understanding and support from their social circles. The unique demands of caring for a child with special needs may lead to limited opportunities for socializing, further exacerbating feelings of isolation.

Advocacy and Navigating Systems:

Special needs parents often find themselves acting as advocates for their children within various systems, including education, healthcare, and social services. Navigating these systems can be daunting and time-consuming, requiring a deep understanding of legal rights and the services available to their child.

Benefits of Therapy for Special Needs Families

Emotional Support:

One of the primary benefits of therapy for parents of special needs children is emotional support. The challenges and uncertainties that come with caring for a child with special needs can lead to feelings of isolation, guilt, and stress. Therapy provides a safe environment for parents to express their emotions, fears, and frustrations, helping them develop coping mechanisms to navigate the emotional rollercoaster.

Stress Reduction and Self-Care:

Caring for a special needs child can be physically and emotionally demanding. Therapy emphasizes the importance of self-care and stress reduction techniques. Parents learn to prioritize their well-being, ensuring they have the resilience needed to conquer the ongoing challenges of parenting a child with special needs.

Coping Strategies:

Therapy equips parents with effective coping strategies to manage the unique challenges they may encounter. From understanding the specific needs of their child to managing their own stress levels, therapists collaborate with parents to develop personalized coping mechanisms. These strategies empower parents to face daily challenges with resilience and adaptability.

Communication and Relationship Building:

Effective communication is crucial in any family, but it becomes even more vital when raising a special needs child. Therapy can assist parents in improving communication skills, fostering understanding, and strengthening familial bonds. As parents learn to navigate the intricacies of their child’s condition, they often find that therapy enhances their ability to connect on a deeper level.

Advocacy Skills:

Therapy provides parents with valuable tools to become effective advocates for their special needs children. Understanding their child’s rights, navigating educational systems, and collaborating with healthcare professionals becomes more manageable with the guidance of a therapist. Empowered parents can actively participate in their child’s development and ensure they receive the support they need.

Special needs parenting is a unique journey filled with challenges, but therapy emerges as a beacon of hope and support. By addressing the emotional, social, and practical aspects of parenting a child with special needs, therapy empowers parents to embrace their new role with resilience and determination. The benefits of therapy extend beyond individual well-being; they contribute to the overall health and harmony of the family unit. The journey becomes not only about caring for a special needs child but also about personal growth, strength, and the unwavering love that defines the parent-child relationship.

25 Aug
Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW Busy family, Family, Help with teens, Life Transitions, Teen Stress

Staying Power: When Your Child Wants to Come Home From College

By Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

Staying Power: When Your Child Wants to Come Home from College

Jennifer Webbe Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

 

As a mother of a college freshman, I must admit that I may be more attuned to the conversations of new college freshmen being “unhappy” and deciding to leave college – before it has really begun. Kids today find it very easy to call it quits and move back home and, alarmingly, many parents allow them. There may be several reasons as to why this happens. Do we live in a world where today’s youth need instant gratification? Is this generation just “entitled?” Have we given them the tools to fly the coop? Or is it that we parents have enabled this batch of kids so much that they lack the independence and skills to make it on their own?

Dissatisfaction with the college experience at the end of the first semester is not uncommon. Several national studies suggest that one-third of college students do not return for their sophomore year of college, though there is little data regarding how many of those students leave at the midpoint of their first year. However, both college personnel and first-year students know that there are many students who will not be back for the second semester.

There are good days and bad days for everyone, of course. College students are no different. As parents, we hope that our college students will have more good days than bad. But sometimes, your college student may hit a string of bad days or may seem particularly unhappy with their college experience. This is one of those times when, as parents, we may feel most helpless. In some ways, we are. It is tremendously difficult to sit back and watch your student try to work through the situation him or herself…and some students may lack the ability to make lemonades out of their lemons.

Many of today’s kids come from a house of entitlement and feel as if they need instant gratification. They move into a dorm room that is less than plush; it does not resemble the comforts of home. They may decorate to the nines and try to settle into their new residence. However, as much as they try, it will never be home. Mom is not in the kitchen making their favorite meal, fresh towels are not in their community bathroom, and they are living with a complete stranger. Our kids think that they will instantly be settled. It takes time, patience, and a lot of social networking. This is something most didn’t have to do in high school. As parents, we need to allow them to be uncomfortable and to work through the process.

Kids today have a difficult time “fending for themselves.” This is due in part to our generation of parents who have coddled and hovered during those teenage years. Many of our kids did not learn the skills they need to be independent and spread their wings. Parents rushed to their child’s aid with teachers, coaches, and homework assignments. Now, living away from home and not having that helicopter parent there to help can leave our college students flailing in the wind. This contributes to lonely and helpless feelings.

Your child needs to have a sense of belonging on campus or the feeling of “fit.” Working or being off campus can impact that feeling. Many students who spend a significant number of hours off campus, either due to work or outside activities, (more than twenty hours per week) often feel less satisfied with their college experience because they are less connected.

Social isolation also has a big impact. Students who feel alone are obviously unhappier. Even on a very large campus, it is possible for your student to feel isolated from others. These students need to be encouraged to join activities. That may be an intramural sport, Greek life, or campus government. In many cases, student dissatisfaction stems less from academic programs, residence hall conditions, or activities than from feelings of connection and fit. Encourage your child to do all that he or she can to find and connect with others.

When considering a return home, perhaps one of the first and most important things that parents need to determine is the level of certainty that their student has about that decision.  Is he firm that he will not return, or is he floating the idea to measure your reaction and perhaps seek your advice? Your task will be less to tell her what to do and more to help her explore her own feelings, abilities, and options. Whatever is decided in the end, your student must be comfortable with and committed to the decision.

 

Some things we can do as parents:

·        Listen. Take time just to hear what your student has to say and reflect on his or her thoughts. They may just need you to be a sympathetic ear.

 

·       Help your child realize that they are not alone. Many students feel the same way at various points in their college careers. Although he or she may still be unhappy now, understanding that this is a normal phase may help to put things in perspective.

 

·       Help them determine the validity of their complaints. Are their expectations realistic? Is their problem chronic or a one-time issue?

 

·       Insist on honesty. Insist that your student be honest both with you and with him or herself. Don’t let them make excuses. Don’t let them gloss over real issues. Help them take a full and honest look at the situation and their place in it.

 

·       Encourage time and patience. Sometimes issues or situations may need time to run their course. If your student is unhappy at the midpoint of a first semester and talks about transferring or dropping out, try to insist that they finish the year. A second semester is often very different. Giving the experience a chance may be all that is needed. Countless students talk about transfer during that first semester and wouldn’t consider leaving their school by the end of the year.

 

·       Help your student reflect on their attitude and actions. What are they doing to correct or improve the situation? Have they tried to connect or talk to someone on campus or made an effort to change their approach? Help them think about whether they are working to improve the situation.

 

·       Consider a strategy or action plan. Rather than just waiting it out, or continuing to be miserable, help your student create a plan of attack. Taking action, even in small ways, helps your student feel empowered and in control.

 

·       If your student is considering a transfer, help them consider whether they will be taking their problems with them. Are the issues truly with the school or with themselves? What would be different somewhere else?

 

·       Help your student think about the satisfied and happy students on campus. What is it about those happier students that make them happy? What are they doing differently? They are at the same institution and are having a better experience. Why? Are there behaviors that your student might adopt?

 

·       Don’t set your student up with unrealistic expectations. Many of us, as college parents, may be guilty of telling our students that, “These are the best years of your life!” They may not be. Help your student realize that there will be some wonderful experiences, but there will also be some lows. College is about hard work, meeting new people (some of whom your student may not like), navigating a new world, and learning independence and responsibility. These factors can make demands on students that may, at times, seem overwhelming.

 

·       Lastly, consider whether this college or university was truly your child’s choice or your own. Many of today’s parents press their children into making the college choice that most appeals to the parent, rather than that which feels right to the child. The same can be said for college majors, dormitories, and even first-semester courses. If your son or daughter never wanted to attend this institution, their unhappiness may be a sign that they need to make the choice that is right for them.

 

 

The college experience is a roller coaster for most students. The good times are particularly exhilarating, and the lows are particularly deep. The student who is prepared for the emotional changes will better weather those changes. Although, as a parent, you cannot change the experiences, you can help your student learn from, value, and grow through the experiences.

 
06 Jul
Jeff Boatman APRN-MHCNS Development, Family, Help with teens, Medication Management

Challenges in Switching Psychiatric Medications

By Jeff Boatman, APRN-MHCNS

 

We live in a society where we are accustomed to – and expect – instant gratification and results. However, for many of us, the process of finding the correct psychiatric medication can take time and be extremely frustrating. Oftentimes, we have been misdiagnosed or have tried multiple different psychotropic meds over long periods of time – with minimal positive outcomes. Sometimes, we can become so frustrated that we want to “give up” on finding the right medication, and the problems continue or worsen. It is critical for us to have a clear understanding of the process and potential challenges of switching psychiatric medications so that we can understand and be prepared for the experience.  Switching psychiatric medications can be a crucial step in managing mental health conditions effectively, and this article aims to share valuable information to consider when transitioning between medications, ensuring a smoother and safer experience.
It is vital to have a good working relationship with a psychiatric provider whom you trust when considering a switch. A provider should involve you, the patient, in the decision-making process and be willing to consider your previous experiences with medications, comorbidities, and other factors that may affect the treatment. As a patient, you have a responsibility to share your concerns, symptoms, and goals to ensure the new medication aligns with YOUR specific needs. The provider should spend an appropriate amount of time educating patients and families about all the dynamics involved in making a switch and allow adequate time for questions to be answered and expectations to be discussed. Here are some important considerations that the provider should address with you.
  • Understanding Reasons for Switching Psychotropic – Changes to medication may occur due to various reasons. It could be due to inadequate symptom relief, intolerable side effects, lack of response to the current medication, interactions with other medications, cost, or the emergence of new symptoms. Understanding the specific reasons behind the switch can help you and your healthcare provider make informed decisions regarding alternative medications or treatment strategies.
  • Importance of Gradual Tapering and Titration – Switching psychiatric medications often requires a gradual tapering from the current medication while simultaneously introducing the new one. Abrupt discontinuation can lead to withdrawal symptoms or a sudden worsening of symptoms. Follow your healthcare provider’s instructions carefully regarding the tapering and titration schedule. It may take several weeks or longer to transition fully, as this allows your body to adjust to the new medication while minimizing potential adverse effects. In addition, patients need to be educated about possible withdrawal symptoms that may occur. Some people may experience withdrawal symptoms when switching from one psychotropic drug to another. These symptoms can include anxiety, depression, insomnia, and irritability.
  • Potential Interactions: The provider should explain to the patient and family any potential interactions between the new medication and other medications that the patient is taking. You should also be advised on any food or beverages to avoid when taking the new medication.
  • Potential Side Effects and Monitoring. Different psychiatric medications can have varying side effects. Your healthcare provider should inform you about potential side effects associated with the new medication. Common side effects may include gastrointestinal discomfort, dizziness, drowsiness, changes in appetite, weight gain, lethargy, changes in sleep patterns, or sexual dysfunction. Be aware of these possibilities but remember that not everyone experiences them. Regular check-ins and follow-up appointments with your psychiatric provider are crucial during the transition phase to monitor your response to the new medication and address any concerns or side effects that may arise.
  • A clear understanding of the new medication: The provider should explain the new medication, including its name (generic and name brand), action, dosage, scheduling if it should be taken with or without food, possible side effects to look for, and what the realistic expectations should be.
  • Plan for monitoring: The provider should explain how you will be monitored during the transition to the new medication. This may include a phone call, a text to a provider with an update, more frequent follow-up appointments, and possible blood tests. It is important that there is a plan for the patient to reach out if experiencing issues.
Switching psychiatric medications can be challenging, and it is essential to remain patient throughout the process. It may take time to find the right medication and dosage that works best for you. Changing medications requires careful consideration, open communication with healthcare providers, and patience. By understanding the reasons behind the switch, following gradual tapering and titration protocols, being aware of potential side effects, and maintaining regular communication with your healthcare provider, you can navigate the transition process more effectively and improve your mental health outcomes. Remember, you are not alone—seek the support you need to ensure a successful switch.
29 Jun
Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C Family

Beyond Parenthood: Nurturing Relationships and Maintaining Connections

By Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

 

Becoming a parent is a transformative experience that brings immense joy and fulfillment. However, raising children can also undoubtedly be overwhelming. Amidst the demands of raising children, it’s crucial to remember the importance of nurturing your own relationships and maintaining connections that were present pre-parenthood. Below, I have outlined ways to help parents navigate the role of balancing child-rearing responsibilities while simultaneously fostering meaningful connections with others.
Prioritizing Relationships: Recognizing Their Value
Acknowledging the importance of relationships in your life beyond your role as a parent is important. Having relationships with others creates a sense of emotional support. Parenthood can bring on many emotions including fulfillment, joy, exhaustion, and stress. Maintaining important relationships in your life provides you with a support system. This support system allows you to share experiences, seek advice, and talk with others who may be able to empathize with your journey through parenthood. These connections can alleviate feelings of isolation and allow you to feel a sense of reassurance, validation, and “togetherness”. Nurturing relationships and friendships contribute to your overall well-being. These relationships provide opportunities for laughter, enjoyment, and relaxation. Engaging in activities and spending time with loved ones can boost your mood, reduce stress levels, and enhance your mental and emotional well-being. Building and maintaining strong relationships and friendships during the early stages of parenthood can lay the foundation for long-term support. As your child grows, these connections can become an extended network of support for both you and your child.
Friendships and Social Connections: Cultivating a Supportive Network
At times parenthood can lead to social isolation or withdrawal. The demands of parenting and the exhaustion that often accompanies it may cause some parents to prioritize rest and family time over socializing. This can result in reduced contact and less frequent interaction with friends. Parenthood can also bring about shifts in friendship dynamics. Parenting responsibilities often require planning and structure, leaving less room for spontaneous outings or last-minute social engagements. Parents may need to prioritize childcare arrangements or adhere to routines, which can make it harder to engage in impromptu social activities with friends. A simple phone call or text may offer a chance to reconnect with a friend you haven’t seen for a while. Plan a set date on the calendar for dinner out or pick up takeout so you don’t have to stress about childcare arrangements. Parents may find themselves gravitating towards other parents who can relate to their experiences, while non-parent friends may seek connections with individuals who are in similar life stages. This doesn’t mean friendships end, but they may require adjustments and additional effort to maintain. Parenthood can deepen existing friendships or foster new ones. Each of these friendships, whether old or new, creates a feeling of connection and support.
Open and Honest Communication: Addressing Relationship Challenges
Becoming a parent often involves a transition in your role and identity. Individuals may experience a shift in their sense of self, and adjustments are required as partners adapt to their new parental roles. This process can bring about a renegotiation of responsibilities and changes in dynamics within the relationship. The demands of parenting can sometimes also affect the romantic and intimate aspects of a relationship. Physical intimacy may be impacted by fatigue or changes in body image, and finding time for romantic moments may become more challenging. It is important to pour into your relationship and try to make a conscious effort of setting aside time to be able to spend quality one on one time together. Dedicating time to prioritize your relationship may not always be easy, as raising children demands a significant amount of time and energy, leaving you with less availability for one another other. Sleep deprivation, childcare responsibilities, and other parenting tasks can leave partners feeling exhausted and less attentive to their relationship. Nurture understanding and forgiveness in the relationship in these tough moments and seek professional guidance if needed. Effective teamwork, communication, and support between partners are vital for maintaining a healthy relationship while raising children. Sharing responsibilities, offering emotional support, and finding ways to lighten each other’s burdens can strengthen the bond and help navigate the challenges of parenthood.
Maintaining connections beyond parenthood is essential for our emotional and mental well-being. By prioritizing relationships, investing in quality time, nurturing friendships, seeking support, and embracing open communication, parents can navigate the challenges of parenting while sustaining meaningful connections with their partners, friends, and loved ones. Remember, relationships require effort and attention, but the rewards of nurturing those connections extend far beyond the realm of parenting, impacting our lives in immeasurable ways.
14 Jun
Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW Busy family, Family

The Top 5 Things Parents Should Consider This Summer

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW

 

Summer is officially here which means many parents are beginning to express both excitement and even a little bit of dread for the months ahead! School is out and many families will be juggling all the “summer plans”, or lack thereof. Either way, it’s important to consider how to set your family up for a fulfilling summer. Here are five things to consider to make the most out of the summer months…
Scheduled Family Time- Make it an expectation. Put it on a calendar. Stick to it. Family time is crucial at any time of the year! Things like game nights, movie mornings, a backyard campout, or a monthly themed dinner; consider any lighthearted ways to spend time together as a family. Yes, your teens will likely push back on this idea, but that’s what teens do. Still, make it happen and expect them to be there. They will thank you later!
Get Involved- Have your child involved in at least one productive activity this summer. From a camp to a regularly scheduled day at grandma’s house, having something to do with others is so important for our children’s social-emotional well-being. It’s also important to have your child be a part of the planning process for this. Bring them into the discussion of their summer plans. While you’re at it, share your summer expectations and listen to any hopes/expectations they may have for their summer too.
Stay In Touch- Be aware of your child’s technology usage this summer. App’s like “Net Nanny”, “Bark” and “Canopy” can provide a level of protection to ensure your children (and the people they communicate with!) are safe. Stay in touch with your children by communicating with them as both good and hard things come up over the summer months.
Balance- Encourage a healthy balance of scheduled time vs downtime for your children. Boredom is GOOD! Boredom is becoming a lost emotion that we should consider allowing our children to feel again. However, for some children, if a lack of involvement occurs undesirable behaviors may start to arise. Try to identify this line between boredom and lack of involvement. If behaviors become a problem, schedule an activity for them. It’s all about balance!
Continue / Start Therapy- Whether your child is currently seeing a therapist, recently paused therapy, or never has been, it is a good idea to schedule some consistent sessions over the summer. Despite what some think, summer months are the ideal time to commit to our mental health. With school on break, it allows kids to focus more on self-growth and sets them up for further success when the school year begins again.
West County Behavioral Health wishes you and your family a safe and happy summer!
If you need us, we are here!
314-200-5131
07 Jun
Hadley McIntyre, MSW, LMSW Family, Help with teens

The Dark Side of TikTok: Unraveling Mental Health Misinformation

By Hadley McIntyre, MSW, LMSW

 

In recent years, TikTok has emerged as a global phenomenon, captivating millions of users with its short videos. While the platform offers a space for creativity, entertainment, and connection, it also brings a concerning aspect: the spread of mental health misinformation. As individuals seek guidance and support for their mental well-being, they often encounter a flood of content on TikTok that promotes ambiguous advice, harmful practices, and inaccurate information.
TikTok’s algorithm is designed to tailor content to user’s preferences, often resulting in a groupthink effect. Consequently, users exploring mental health topics may find themselves confronted with a wide range of content, including personal stories, coping mechanisms, and self-help advice. While many creators genuinely strive to share helpful information, the unregulated nature of TikTok allows for the spread of misinformation.
One of the most troubling aspects of mental health misinformation on TikTok is the spread of misleading advice and harmful practices. Some creators, lacking professional expertise, offer unverified remedies for mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or eating disorders. These recommendations can range from dangerous dieting techniques to unproven therapies, potentially exacerbating individuals’ struggles and compromising their well-being.
TikTok’s concise nature often leads to oversimplification of information. Mental health conditions are complex and multifaceted, requiring professional training and personalized approaches. Unfortunately, on TikTok, misinformation can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, stigmatize individuals with mental health challenges, and undermine the importance of seeking professional help.
TikTok’s lax content moderation policies present a significant challenge in combating mental health misinformation. While the platform has made efforts to address harmful content, the sheer volume of videos makes it difficult to identify and remove all misleading information effectively. Additionally, the absence of a system to verify the credentials of mental health influencers further compounds the problem, allowing unqualified individuals to present themselves as experts.
The consequences of mental health misinformation on TikTok can be devastating, particularly for vulnerable users who rely on the platform for guidance. Misleading advice may lead individuals to self-diagnose, dismiss professional help, or experiment with harmful practices. This can further isolate and worsen their mental health, impeding their recovery and increasing the risk of serious consequences.
Addressing mental health misinformation on TikTok requires a collective effort from users, creators, and the platform itself. Users should approach mental health content with skepticism, fact-check information before accepting it as truth, and seek professional guidance when needed. Creators should take responsibility for their influence, ensuring that their content is accurate, evidence-based, and transparent about their qualifications.
TikTok’s immense popularity comes with significant responsibilities. While the platform has undoubtedly fostered a sense of community and creativity, it also serves as a breeding ground for mental health misinformation. Recognizing the dangers of such misinformation is crucial to protect vulnerable users and promote genuine support.
09 Mar
Molly Meyerson, MSW, LMSW Family, Grief, Help with teens

Sitting with Grief

Molly Meyerson, MSW, LMSW
Typically, when we think about grief, we think about the loss of a loved one. We think about having to continue living our life without the presence of a person we thought we would never be without. While this type of grief is profound, we can feel grief in other areas of our lives as well. It is important to acknowledge and identify the times in our lives in which we experience grief. However, I want to do more than just acknowledge grief. I want to talk about sitting with grief. I want to talk about allowing ourselves to feel it fully, and how we can create the space in our lives to do so.
We may experience grief when we are navigating major life transitions; where we find ourselves parting ways with versions of ourselves or lives we have lived in order to grow. We may grieve those versions of ourselves we were before experiencing a life-altering event. We may experience grief as a result of making hard decisions, losing a job, or changing careers. In all of these examples, grief is a result of changes we experience. Whether change is planned or unexpected, the grief that accompanies it can feel heavy. Sometimes it can feel debilitating. We may find it difficult to embrace or even accept certain changes.
When grief is present in our lives, a normal reaction can be to avoid it – to distract ourselves from it. To find ways around feeling it when it feels too painful. An unfortunate truth about avoidance is that it does not help our feelings “go away.” We may not realize it at first, but when we avoid our grief, we are avoiding many other things too.
Dr. Brene Brown speaks beautifully about this topic when she says, “you cannot selectively numb emotions.” When we attempt to numb negative emotions, we inadvertently numb the good ones too. Our capacity to feel painful emotions correlates with our capacity to feel joy, love, happiness, etc. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our grief, we often feel stuck, anxious, and unhappy.
So, what does this mean? If grief is unavoidable, and inevitably comes with change, what do we do when waves of grief crash on our shores? How do we ride out the storm when we can’t stop it? We can start by letting ourselves feel it. We can create an environment for ourselves to feel everything we need to feel while grieving. Just as we create space in our lives for happiness, it is important to be intentional when creating an environment to feel our sadness and grief. If we can feel safe while sitting with grief, we facilitate our own healing.
Give yourself permission to slow down. Go on a walk, listen to your favorite music, let yourself cry, practice self-care, and take time out of your days to just be. Lean into social support and loved ones while navigating your grief. Acknowledge the love that still takes up space in your heart for whatever you are grieving. When we honor our grief, we are honoring our love as well. And the most important thing to offer yourself is TIME. There is no way to expedite the grieving process. It will take time, and time will feel incredibly slow. While it feels slow, remember that it is still passing by. And, each day that passes is another day that we have survived. When we find ways to sit with pain and grief, we can be reminded that we have already survived the loss.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can write to remove grief from our lives, and that is not my goal. The purpose of this piece is to remind you that you have every right to sit with your grief for as long as you need. We live in a fast-moving world, but grief is an experience in which fast-paced living will be unproductive and potentially harmful. It is okay to slow down, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to just be while we’re processing these changes and losses.
If grief is something you are sitting with right now, you are not alone. Grief and change are inevitable, but they are only waves in a storm, and eventually, the worst of the storm will pass. If we are willing to experience the grief that comes with change, we can grow into new versions of ourselves, and experience lives yet unknown to us. We owe it to ourselves to feel it all, so we can experience life to the greatest capacity possible.
Whatever life looks like for you right now, if you are experiencing grief, I hope you have the courage to sit with it and honor all of who you are. If you find yourself feeling stuck and unable to move through the grieving process, reach out to a therapist for help. Grief is not something to run from. It is a reminder of how deeply we can love.
06 Mar
Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C Family, Pregnancy

Being a Mom is in Fact Not Easy The Journey into Pregnancy and Postpartum

By Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

 

When a mom gives birth, she is immediately bombarded with inquiries about how the baby is doing. Is the baby happy? Is the baby sleeping? How is the baby eating? Rarely is mom asked how she is doing. Is mom sleeping? Is mom eating? Is mom happy? Without anyone asking or checking in, mom may be struggling in silence. And even if she may occasionally be asked about her well-being, she may feel ashamed to admit that she is feeling anything short of wonderful. We are told that having a baby is supposed to be the best thing to ever happen to us, right? So, what do we do when the feeling of joy we are promised is overshadowed by feeling lost, overwhelmed, anxious or depress
Women are typically informed about the birthing experience, what to expect when expecting, and what a healthy pregnancy looks like. The post-partum period, however, is often glossed over. We may have heard about post-partum depression or anxiety in passing or read about it in a small handout provided to us in our OB’s office, but most of us don’t take the time to become educated on it. Mothers may be afraid to share their struggles – worried they somehow make them a bad mom. They are often left with a myriad of uncertainties. I remember as a first-time mom, scouring the internet for answers on breastfeeding, sleep schedules, and developmental milestones. Attempting to find some answers to those late-night questions spiraling in my head as I rocked my new baby to sleep, I would be met with many women struggling with the same questions. Post after post of women wondering – is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel depressed when my sister seemed so happy when her baby was born? Why am I so anxious about everything all of a sudden?
We don’t discuss the ways moms’ hormones continue to fluctuate drastically after birth, how mothers are hit with the pressure to quickly “bounce back” to pre-pregnancy weight, or how they are expected to get back to work after an eight-week maternity leave. We downplay the impact of sleep deprivation on the body. We don’t tell them that they are likely to experience some anxiety or intrusive thoughts after giving birth. We send them on their way with a brand new human and check in around 6 weeks later. As they navigate this new life, women are often left questioning; “who am I outside of being a mom and how do I find myself again?”
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders can impact anyone during pregnancy or following birth; one in five to seven women and one in ten men report having symptoms of these disorders. Baby blues, although not a clinical diagnosis, can also be incredibly challenging for new mothers. Sixty to eighty percent of new mothers experience these and they can last between two days to two weeks after birth. A multitude of symptoms can present themselves in an individual suffering from perinatal disorders including a depressed mood, loss of interest, inability to cope, lack of connection with the baby, feeling worthless, irritability, and inability to control one’s own thoughts. There are many risks associated with untreated postpartum mood and anxiety disorders including relational problems, exacerbation of medical conditions, child neglect and abuse, infanticide, homicide, suicide, drug use, separation/divorce, and loss of interpersonal resources. If you are struggling with any of these issues, it is imperative that you reach out to an individual trained in the evaluation and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. This individual will have the tools and training to treat the symptoms at hand. They can help gather a clear history, develop a treatment plan with you moving forward, and be a safe space to walk through the journey of motherhood with.
Whether or not you are struggling with postpartum depression or any type of perinatal disorder it is essential that you care for yourself during this time. I have provided some relatively simple strategies that new and expecting mothers can utilize during this challenging time.
Reach Out
Utilize your support group; your mother, your sister, your cousin, your friend, your doctor, or your therapist. Tell them how you are feeling. Ask for help. Let someone make a meal. Allow someone to hold the baby while you get some time to yourself to shower and brush your hair. You are not only taking care of yourself but also providing for another life, which requires you to make yourself a priority. If someone offers to help, and you are in the position to, take the help. Please feel empowered to ask for help when you are struggling. It is not in any way a weakness, in fact, it takes a great deal of strength to do so.
Reconnect
Try your best to make time for the things you enjoy. Whether it is grabbing lunch with friends, hitting the pickleball courts, going out on a date night, or simply picking up the phone to have a long overdue conversation with a friend. Find ways to let your “old life” creep back in and remind you of the foundation of who you are. And most of all, don’t feel guilty. You deserve personal time. Who you were before you became a mother is still who you are. You may have extra responsibilities and a few less hours of sleep, but you are still you. And if you are struggling to find who “you,” is, please be patient. It can take time and a lot of adjusting, but you will get there.
Reset
“Sleep when the baby sleeps,” is often easier said than done. You have fifty things on your to-do list, and one hour to get those fifty things done. And let’s be honest, sleep isn’t always number one on that list when you’re staring at the mountain of laundry from the past few days. But slowing down and resetting is vital to your overall well-being. Give yourself fifteen minutes to sit with a cup of coffee and let your mind rest. Put on your favorite television show or read a book. Whatever it may be that allows you to hit the reset button and more effectively tackle the day ahead, do that. The best thing you can give a child is a healthy parent.
At the end of the day, it is important to remember just that – you cannot be fully present for your new baby and family if you are not prioritizing your own self-care. It is not selfish to focus on yourself when you can and to create time and space for that. It is essential! And remember – if you cannot get in balance and feel yourself struggling, please reach out because support is available!
I believe that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I am dedicated to supporting you and guiding you through those trying times. Navigating life transitions can be complicated and difficult, and one of the most monumental transitions is that of pregnancy and postpartum. I have a particular passion for helping new mothers (and fathers) move through those challenging times. I have gone through extensive training to highlight the need for maternal mental health services and am committed to offering the best care as a Perinatal Mental Health Specialist. I am here to offer a safe space to those experiencing perinatal anxiety and depression, intrusive thoughts, pregnancy loss, and labor and delivery challenges, and to support those who just need help navigating through this journey called motherhood.
In addition to this specialty, I also work with a variety of other issues, including general depression and anxiety, as well as relationship issues. I believe that our relationships with others play a vital role in our functioning, and I enjoy working with others to help strengthen those relationships. I enjoy working with those who are ready to take the next step to develop a healthier relationship with themselves and others (whether that be their significant other, family, or friends). My goal is to help you achieve your goals while uncovering and processing the tough emotions that have been barriers to your happiness.
I use a variety of modalities depending on your needs – including CBT, EFT, and mindfulness. I will be here as a nonjudgmental, supportive clinician, helping you in your personal growth. I look forward to working with you!

 
13 Dec
Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW Busy family, Divorce, Family, Teen Stress

Creating the New Normal: Navigating the Holiday Season in Separate Houses

By Jennifer Webbe VanLuven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

 

Adults and stress go hand in hand during the holiday season. There is so much to do. Family to be seen, school holiday programs, gifts to be bought and wrapped, and special celebrations such as Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year. When parenting from two households, the stress can feel insurmountable.
You may also discover this time of year stirs up a lot of different feelings for your children. If this is their first holiday season following your separation or divorce, keep in mind the change in the family may hit them very hard. While you can’t take away the pain your children feel, how you spend the first holiday after a separation or divorce can really impact children’s perception about family change.
Too often, parents get caught up in issues like who is buying what or dividing up the holidays. One of the best things you can do for your kids is use this time to rebuild a sense of family. Create new traditions and events in each household. Kids need to know that life will go on and they’re going to be okay. While your child’s perceived loss of ‘family’ may hit them very hard during this time of year, there are ways you can help your children manage the experience in a healthy way.
Keep your emotions in place. Children take emotional cues from their parents. The holidays will be hard on parents, but they need to realize that it is doubled for the children. If you as parents need a little extra emotional support, don’t be afraid to call in the troops and take time to care for your emotions.
Silence isn’t always the best way to go. Be sure to talk to your children about the new plans for the holidays. Kids like to know what is going to happen and prepare their own minds and feelings. Talk to them about what will be different and what will stay the same. Avoiding this conversation, keeps kids on edge and guessing what the holiday will look like.
Focus on creating meaning. Focus on cutting back and on the true meaning of the holiday. Find an activity that will promote a deeper meaning for the holiday. Adopt a family or volunteer at a shelter. This will make new memories and place the focus on something other than old traditions.
Let your stress guide you. Newly separated parents often ask if they should spend the holiday together. This is a good idea in theory but eventually, parents move into new relationships and the “new normal” is only delayed. This can cause even more stress on parents and children are quick to pick up these cues. Start your new tradition as soon as possible and reduce the parental conflict from the beginning.
Different isn’t devastating. As parents, we need to ask ourselves which traditions are worth hanging on to and which can be replaced. We don’t have to recreate the whole holiday. Maybe think of one new thing that you can do as a family.
Make gift-giving painless for the kids. Children love to participate and give gifts. No matter how you feel about your ex, do not allow your child to arrive empty-handed. It is not about “you” giving a gift, it’s about your children giving a gift. Not only is this a reminder about the joy of giving, it strengthens a child’s sense of security.
Do not give gifts with strings. Do your best to coordinate gift-giving with the child’s other parent. If that is not possible, think before you buy. If you are hesitant about the child taking this gift to the other parent’s home, then don’t buy it. If a child cannot decide where the gift will go, then it’s not really a gift.
Creating the new normal is difficult. The difficulty is not only for the children but for parents as well. This list is not complete, there are many other ways to create happy holidays for your children and yourself. Take time to do a frequent status check with yourself. Knowing where your emotions lie is imperative in keeping children feeling safe and happy.
22 Nov
Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW Family, Grief

Add Grief to Your Holiday Guest List

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW

 

The past two years, right around October, I have attended funerals for family members of close friends. As we somberly drove away from one of these services, I remember telling my husband that we need to check in on this friend around the holidays. Holidays can be hard in the best of times, but doubly so when we are in grief.
Our hope and intention, of course, is always for the holiday season to be a time of celebration and happiness. We may go through the unavoidable moments of stress, but all in hope and preparation to gather together with loved ones and experience the “Joy of Christmas.” Unfortunately, for some who are grieving, joy may not be at the forefront of their holiday plans. There are a lot of “firsts” during the grief process that can bring up difficult emotions for someone who has experienced loss – and first holidays without a loved one can be among the most difficult.
Especially around the holidays, it’s kind to be aware of how grief might be impacting those around us. To do this, we first recognize that people grieve for all kinds of reasons and in many different ways. Some common causes of grief include the death of a loved one, a loss or change in job, divorce or marital separation, fertility struggles, the ending of a friendship, a new medical diagnosis, the loss of a pet, and military deployment. What can we do to support those grieving this holiday season?
Invite them AND their grief to your holiday party ~
If you invite someone who is grieving to your holiday event, you must also be open to welcoming their grief. This means accepting them and their emotions exactly where they’re at. You may even consider reaching out to them individually to let them know that if their grief shows up, it is a welcomed guest.
Don’t overcompensate, Don’t avoid ~
It can be easy to want to help the grieving person be happy. We may consider having an overly cheerful demeanor while ignoring their grief, which is sometimes termed toxic positivity. Many of us are uncomfortable addressing hard emotions; it’s easy to avoid saying anything at all about the loss to a grieving person. The most helpful response is one in the middle of these two extremes – don’t avoid the loss entirely, but also don’t try to push happiness onto the grieving person. Simple acknowledgment can sometimes be the best choice: “I am so glad you’ve joined us, I know that right now is a sad time for you and your family.” Recognize your own feelings about grief and how you may need to adjust to best support your grieving person.
Allow hard conversations ~
Be open to asking how people are doing. Be just as open to their honest response, especially if it isn’t a “happy” one. Consider acknowledging the name of the loss and recognize the importance of it to your grieving person. For example, “Your mom always made the best Christmas cookies. I’ve been thinking about her and you a lot lately. Would you like to come over sometime soon and make cookies together in honor of her?”
Pay Attention ~
Look for the less obvious signs of grief, which might include body language or avoidance of social interactions. When someone is sitting quietly alone, standing to the side with their arms crossed, or seems withdrawn at a gathering, consider engaging in conversation with them. If a grieving person declines attending a social event, you may consider asking them to spend time one on one in a more laid-back setting. Pay attention to how your grieving person is behaving. Check-in on those who you know have experienced a loss and offer support when possible.
At the end of the day, the most important thing to do is allow a grieving person space to come as they are. Using these strategies can help us prepare for all guests to feel emotionally safe and supported. Adding grief to your guest list might be the best gift you can give a grieving person this year.
05 Oct
Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW Divorce, Family

Divorce and the Sense of Personal Identity

By Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CM

When you think of “trauma” you may imagine Big Trauma experiences: serious accidents, natural disasters, assault, or life-threatening illnesses. These kinds of events obviously and in a very public way transform the foundation of who you are and how you live. Other incidents can feel equally traumatic and life-changing. Divorce is one of them.
When the life and world you have built falls apart due to a divorce or separation, whether amicable or not, the way you see the world and your place in it changes. Accepting and evolving into a new person can feel distressing and painful as you give up a portion of your lifestyle, home, family, financial security, love, and dreams. To manage the shock of the change, you might find yourself letting go of activities you once enjoyed and implementing coping mechanisms geared toward reducing emotional pain, fear of the future, and the sense of loneliness and uncertainty that takes up space in your head. In fact, coping after divorce may have taught you to live with thoughts of being “less than.”
The main factor in how you define yourself is the context in which you understand where and how you belong. Your identity will change during and after divorce because your understanding of who you are and the world in which you live has dramatically altered. Losing a sense of safety, control, and certainty shifts you into a feeling of vulnerability. You may see yourself today as someone robbed of innocence, trust, love, well-being, and the feeling of being able to protect yourself. You may deeply feel that you are undesirable, physically damaged, emotionally or psychologically disfigured. This new self-definition impacts how you see the world, think about yourself and others, and make choices and take actions. If that’s the case, then it’s time for an identity makeover.
When considering how you can create a new, post-divorce identity, it helps to understand the characteristics of identity in general.  Identity relates to the idea of who you are and what defines you as a person in this world. Identity is how you describe yourself and the characteristics that make you unique. Identity development can change in a moment as you experience the divorce process and divorce becomes the lens through which you and others view yourself and the world around you. Your only choice at this point is to continue to move forward, make new choices about the direction you wish to move and create a post-divorce self that combines all of your best features and attributes.
Though your current identity may seem diminished, another part of you sees the bigger picture. This is the part of yourself that inspires and motivates you to move toward (re)claiming a more positive, solid, stable, and proactive sense of self. While your “less than” self may dictate who you are today, your “more than” self gains ground every time you work toward restoring yourself. It is your “more than” self that forms the basis of who you will become when you continue to create your new identity.
It is impossible to go back to who you were previously as a wife or husband. Right now decide: “I will stop looking back.” Though this process may feel uncomfortable, being forward-thinking works to your advantage.
Your personal identity develops according to your perception of the experience. You are an individual and your perspective of the world is your own; what feels traumatizing to you may not feel that way to someone else. Likewise, what feels traumatic to someone else may seem trivial to you. If perception plays a key role in trauma, then it can also play a key role after trauma. While it doesn’t feel this way at first, how you perceive yourself becomes a choice. Who you are during and after divorce is… Who you decide you are.

 

27 Sep
Cari McKnight MSW LCSW Busy family, Family

OVERWHELMED! MAINTAINING BALANCE AND CONNECTION IN A BUSY FAMILY

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW
It starts with the best of intentions. Your daughter expresses an interest in playing soccer, so you sign her up at 4 years old. You want to make sure she starts early, so she doesn’t get left behind. Pretty soon, you sign her up for Girl Scouts. It’s a wholesome activity that builds character, right? Next, you enroll her in piano lessons – you think that you should expose her to an instrument as you want to make sure that she’s well-rounded. As time goes by and her friends start different activities, you want to give her those same opportunities… so you let her join the softball team. Then she wants to try basketball, so you let her do that too. Before long, you realize that if she is going to have any chance of playing soccer long term, she had better get on a select club team to be challenged and get good coaching. You soon realize that a club team is a big commitment – it is year-round, they practice twice a week and have tournaments every weekend – but you feel it is worth it because you want her to be able to play in high school, at the very least. You don’t mind letting her do a few clubs after school also, because you want to keep her occupied after school (we all know what happens to kids with too much free time!), and besides, it will look good on a college application. One day you wake up and look at your calendar and feel paralyzed: she has basketball and drama club on Mondays, soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, piano and Girl Scouts on Wednesdays, yearbook club on Fridays, and tournaments every weekend, some out of town. This doesn’t even count homework or school projects. And, this is only one child……
Today’s youth are stressed as never before. Academically, our children have shorter summers, fewer free periods, tougher grading standards, and are taking more college-level classes in high school, etc. Athletically, kids are encouraged to be on competitive travel teams that run year round (vs. just seasonally), specialize at young ages, have games at 10 pm some nights, etc. Socially, there is pressure to be available at all times – the constant buzz of cell phones, interruptions from texts at all hours of the night, etc. sets up an expectation that our children should always be responding to texts and participating on social media. It is very easy for both kids, and parents to feel completely overwhelmed and out of balance.
We ask ourselves – how did we get here? There are a few societal reasons that have combined to create this insidious phenomenon. First of all, we have been inundated with the message that the world is a dangerous place for kids these days. This has inspired a knee-jerk reaction to make sure kids are involved in structured activities instead of just letting them have free play time after school. While these fears are well founded in some areas, this has extended into many areas where crime is rare or nonexistent. In addition, we have also learned to be fearful that our children will miss out or be left behind. This fuels, early, intense involvement in activities, as many parents fear that if they delay starting a sport or a musical instrument that their child may never be able to compete. On top of all of this, because we have heard the message that colleges are looking for “well-rounded” applicants, we can fall into the trap of thinking the busier our children are, the better job we are doing as parents. Overall, there is just a general increased pressure on our children to achieve – from knowing their alphabet and colors before school, to being expected to be on the select teams at a young age, to worrying about what colleges will accept them (far earlier than is necessary) – our youth are very driven by their achievements and resume of activities.
No doubt, most parents usually just want what seems best for their kids. Even when intentions are good, though, kids can easily become overscheduled. The pressure to participate in a handful of activities all the time and to “keep up” can be physically and emotionally exhausting for parents and kids alike, and can leave us all feeling disconnected.
Sooner or later, kids who are too busy will begin to show signs. Every child is different, but overscheduled kids may exhibit these red flags:
  • feel tired, anxious, or depressed
  • complain of headaches and stomachaches, which may be due to stress, missed meals, or lack of sleep
  • fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
  • want to drop out of previously enjoyed activities
  • difficulty making, keeping or enjoying the company of their friends
  • a reluctance or refusal to go to school or get out of bed
  • self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide
It is important to pay attention, as the effects of being out of balance can be far-reaching and impact all of us. Individually, we are more prone to both mental and physical illness when we are stressed and overwhelmed. Our cortisol levels increase – which physically shrinks the hippocampus, one of the memory centers of the brain. Cortisol affects our white blood cell functioning, and we end up sicker more often. Elevated cortisol also negatively impacts serotonin (a brain chemical key to depression and anxiety). We end up with tired, irritable kids who aren’t learning as easily and who are more and more dependent upon us because they are not able to successfully manage their own lives independently.
Family life also can suffer — when one parent is driving to basketball practice and the other is carpooling to dance class, meals are missed. As a result, some families rarely eat dinner together, and may not take the extra time to stay connected. Plus, the weekly grind of driving kids all over the place and getting to one class, game, or practice after another can be downright tiresome and stressful for parents. This can all impact the connection between kids and parents, and between couples as well. We can easily end up feeling very disconnected from one another… this can lead to poor communication, being out of touch with kids’ lives, and marital struggles.
SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS TO MAINTAIN BALANCE:
  • Agree on ground rules ahead of time. For instance, plan on kids playing one sport per season or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week. This may make for some difficult choices, but this is one way to keep a balance.
  • Know how much time is required before committing to an activity. For example, will there be time to practice between lessons? Does your child realize that soccer practice is twice a week, right after school until dinnertime? Then there’s the weekly game to consider, too. Is travel involved? Be very clear about expectations as you make decisions to join a new team, musical, or activity.
  • Keep a calendar to stay organized. Display it on the refrigerator or other prominent spot so that everybody can stay up-to-date. And if you find an empty space on the calendar, leave it alone!
  • Create structured family time. If you’re eating fast food on the run every night, plan a few dinners when everyone can be home at the same time, even if it means eating a little later. Numerous studies have shown that families who eat dinner together report stronger relationships and better grades. According to a study by the National Center on Addiction and Abuse at Columbia University, kids and teens who eat dinner with their families at least five times a week have a much lower risk of substance abuse. Schedule family fun time, too, whether it’s playing a board game or going on a bike ride or hike. We can easily forget or underestimate the importance of family connection in protecting our children.
  • Take charge of technology! Set up a central family charging station so that our children can turn in technology each night. This helps kids set a boundary with their peers – for example, no phones after 9 pm. In addition, it keeps kids from being disturbed in the night, and also helps prevent them from making poor choices online late at night.
  • Try to carpool with other parents to make life easier, and to free up more time for our other children, spouse, and/or ourselves. When you do end up driving, turn off the radio and use the time to TALK. Kids frequently open up while you are driving and they aren’t looking at you….it can be a surprisingly good time to connect.
  • Build in time to do things for yourself. It is important to make some time for ourselves – whether we make time to read, take a walk, chat with a friend, or whatever, we need to do this so we don’t get too burned out.
  • Help your children set priorities. If kids start struggling academically, they may need to drop an activity. Or, consider avoiding some AP classes if students can’t keep up at that pace. But while school is a priority, remember to not let the focus be all about academic achievement. We need to have talks with our kids about finding a balance – let them make choices about where to put their energy. Let them know that taking care of themselves (having some free time, being involved in some other activities) is at least as important as making that 4.0 that they are striving for. So many young people are obsessed with having straight A’s that they start developing anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. Help your children see that having balance and stable mental health is important for the big picture of their lives, and that they are valued for who they are, not what they achieve. Assure them that their performance does not define them!
  • Know when to say no. If your child is already doing a lot but really wants to take on another activity, discuss what other activity or activities need to be dropped to make room for the new one. And don’t be afraid to set boundaries to protect your family time! It is perfectly ok to say no to a practice or game when you want to protect your family time (ie. traditional family activities around holiday times, weekends to the lake, family gatherings, etc.). Let children see that it is acceptable to make family connections a priority!
Essentially, it comes down to realizing that it is our job, as parents, to protect our children and families. We need to be brave enough to set boundaries and take the lead on this. While this is a cultural struggle, it is up to us as individuals to start drawing the lines and take back our families. We can’t expect change unless it begins at home. We need to give our children the message that they are not defined by their achievements, as society is telling them that they very much are. And, while many of us are fearful that if we miss games or don’t feed into societal expectations our children will pay the price, it could be argued that the price our kids pay is much greater if we do nothing. Our children need us, they need their families. Let’s show them that we will make that a priority.
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