Sitting with Grief

Molly Meyerson, MSW, LMSW
Typically, when we think about grief, we think about the loss of a loved one. We think about having to continue living our life without the presence of a person we thought we would never be without. While this type of grief is profound, we can feel grief in other areas of our lives as well. It is important to acknowledge and identify the times in our lives in which we experience grief. However, I want to do more than just acknowledge grief. I want to talk about sitting with grief. I want to talk about allowing ourselves to feel it fully, and how we can create the space in our lives to do so.
We may experience grief when we are navigating major life transitions; where we find ourselves parting ways with versions of ourselves or lives we have lived in order to grow. We may grieve those versions of ourselves we were before experiencing a life-altering event. We may experience grief as a result of making hard decisions, losing a job, or changing careers. In all of these examples, grief is a result of changes we experience. Whether change is planned or unexpected, the grief that accompanies it can feel heavy. Sometimes it can feel debilitating. We may find it difficult to embrace or even accept certain changes.
When grief is present in our lives, a normal reaction can be to avoid it – to distract ourselves from it. To find ways around feeling it when it feels too painful. An unfortunate truth about avoidance is that it does not help our feelings “go away.” We may not realize it at first, but when we avoid our grief, we are avoiding many other things too.
Dr. Brene Brown speaks beautifully about this topic when she says, “you cannot selectively numb emotions.” When we attempt to numb negative emotions, we inadvertently numb the good ones too. Our capacity to feel painful emotions correlates with our capacity to feel joy, love, happiness, etc. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our grief, we often feel stuck, anxious, and unhappy.
So, what does this mean? If grief is unavoidable, and inevitably comes with change, what do we do when waves of grief crash on our shores? How do we ride out the storm when we can’t stop it? We can start by letting ourselves feel it. We can create an environment for ourselves to feel everything we need to feel while grieving. Just as we create space in our lives for happiness, it is important to be intentional when creating an environment to feel our sadness and grief. If we can feel safe while sitting with grief, we facilitate our own healing.
Give yourself permission to slow down. Go on a walk, listen to your favorite music, let yourself cry, practice self-care, and take time out of your days to just be. Lean into social support and loved ones while navigating your grief. Acknowledge the love that still takes up space in your heart for whatever you are grieving. When we honor our grief, we are honoring our love as well. And the most important thing to offer yourself is TIME. There is no way to expedite the grieving process. It will take time, and time will feel incredibly slow. While it feels slow, remember that it is still passing by. And, each day that passes is another day that we have survived. When we find ways to sit with pain and grief, we can be reminded that we have already survived the loss.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can write to remove grief from our lives, and that is not my goal. The purpose of this piece is to remind you that you have every right to sit with your grief for as long as you need. We live in a fast-moving world, but grief is an experience in which fast-paced living will be unproductive and potentially harmful. It is okay to slow down, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to just be while we’re processing these changes and losses.
If grief is something you are sitting with right now, you are not alone. Grief and change are inevitable, but they are only waves in a storm, and eventually, the worst of the storm will pass. If we are willing to experience the grief that comes with change, we can grow into new versions of ourselves, and experience lives yet unknown to us. We owe it to ourselves to feel it all, so we can experience life to the greatest capacity possible.
Whatever life looks like for you right now, if you are experiencing grief, I hope you have the courage to sit with it and honor all of who you are. If you find yourself feeling stuck and unable to move through the grieving process, reach out to a therapist for help. Grief is not something to run from. It is a reminder of how deeply we can love.

Add Grief to Your Holiday Guest List

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW

 

The past two years, right around October, I have attended funerals for family members of close friends. As we somberly drove away from one of these services, I remember telling my husband that we need to check in on this friend around the holidays. Holidays can be hard in the best of times, but doubly so when we are in grief.
Our hope and intention, of course, is always for the holiday season to be a time of celebration and happiness. We may go through the unavoidable moments of stress, but all in hope and preparation to gather together with loved ones and experience the “Joy of Christmas.” Unfortunately, for some who are grieving, joy may not be at the forefront of their holiday plans. There are a lot of “firsts” during the grief process that can bring up difficult emotions for someone who has experienced loss – and first holidays without a loved one can be among the most difficult.
Especially around the holidays, it’s kind to be aware of how grief might be impacting those around us. To do this, we first recognize that people grieve for all kinds of reasons and in many different ways. Some common causes of grief include the death of a loved one, a loss or change in job, divorce or marital separation, fertility struggles, the ending of a friendship, a new medical diagnosis, the loss of a pet, and military deployment. What can we do to support those grieving this holiday season?
Invite them AND their grief to your holiday party ~
If you invite someone who is grieving to your holiday event, you must also be open to welcoming their grief. This means accepting them and their emotions exactly where they’re at. You may even consider reaching out to them individually to let them know that if their grief shows up, it is a welcomed guest.
Don’t overcompensate, Don’t avoid ~
It can be easy to want to help the grieving person be happy. We may consider having an overly cheerful demeanor while ignoring their grief, which is sometimes termed toxic positivity. Many of us are uncomfortable addressing hard emotions; it’s easy to avoid saying anything at all about the loss to a grieving person. The most helpful response is one in the middle of these two extremes – don’t avoid the loss entirely, but also don’t try to push happiness onto the grieving person. Simple acknowledgment can sometimes be the best choice: “I am so glad you’ve joined us, I know that right now is a sad time for you and your family.” Recognize your own feelings about grief and how you may need to adjust to best support your grieving person.
Allow hard conversations ~
Be open to asking how people are doing. Be just as open to their honest response, especially if it isn’t a “happy” one. Consider acknowledging the name of the loss and recognize the importance of it to your grieving person. For example, “Your mom always made the best Christmas cookies. I’ve been thinking about her and you a lot lately. Would you like to come over sometime soon and make cookies together in honor of her?”
Pay Attention ~
Look for the less obvious signs of grief, which might include body language or avoidance of social interactions. When someone is sitting quietly alone, standing to the side with their arms crossed, or seems withdrawn at a gathering, consider engaging in conversation with them. If a grieving person declines attending a social event, you may consider asking them to spend time one on one in a more laid-back setting. Pay attention to how your grieving person is behaving. Check-in on those who you know have experienced a loss and offer support when possible.
At the end of the day, the most important thing to do is allow a grieving person space to come as they are. Using these strategies can help us prepare for all guests to feel emotionally safe and supported. Adding grief to your guest list might be the best gift you can give a grieving person this year.