Author: Cari McKnight MSW LCSW

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW

In the course of our therapy sessions, Kate has shared the story of her childhood, in which she was raised
by an alcoholic father and an emotionally unavailable mother. These days, Kate has a close relationship
with her parents, but suffers from extremely high anxiety, and self identifies as a people pleaser. She is
seeking therapy to help reduce her anxiety and become more comfortable putting her needs first instead
of always putting others’ feelings above her own. She also wants to stop losing her patience with her
children for innocuous reasons, and feels this makes her “a bad mom”. Through our sessions, Kate has
become able to recognize that her parents failed to provide the emotional support and safety that she
needed. Because of her parents’ issues, she felt she had to protect them and keep the peace. When she
recounts the emotional neglect that she endured, she makes comments like “ I know that they just did
the best that they could have done” and “I don’t want to live my life being angry at them because I love
them”. The truth is, Kate has never allowed herself to be angry about any of these things that have
impacted her. As a result, her anxiety is through the roof, her sense of self is weakened, and the anger
that she has never addressed is now being misdirected at her children.
For many of us, anger is considered a “negative” emotion, and thus, many of us do not like to feel angry.
Maybe we learned in our family of origin that anger is bad because we saw hitting, throwing things, and
screaming names when people got angry. Or, maybe it wasn’t safe for us to have our anger as a child, so
we learned to shove it down, and ultimately not even feel it. We may feel that the things that have
made us angry are not “big enough” to justify feeling angry, so we tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel it. We
may have learned that our feelings just don’t matter to others, so they stop mattering to us. Another
reason that people are often unwilling to address their own anger is because they fear that it will cause
a huge conflict and disrupt their life. In addition, some people are scared that if they let themselves feel
the anger towards someone they love, it will ruin the relationship and that they will end up being an
angry, bitter person.
There are many reasons why so many of us avoid connecting to our anger, much less expressing it
openly. So, we become good at running from it, distracting from it, and numbing out in an attempt to
not feel it. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, over scheduling our lives, gambling, tv, internet, etc are all ways
that we avoid feeling emotions that we don’t know what to do with.
But what if I told you that, as counterintuitive as it sounds, the secret to being free from anger and
bitterness is to lean into it and embrace it? Yes, this is actually the path to truly letting the anger go from
our psyche.
This analogy might help illustrate how this works. Have you ever seen a toddler pulling on its mothers
leg, trying to get her attention? When the mother is busy, talking to someone else, or not paying
attention to the child, the child tends to grow increasingly louder and maybe even acting out, all in an
attempt to get mom’s attention. Finally, when the mother turns to the child and wants to hear what the
child has to say, the child often doesn’t need anything in particular, often just wanted to know that they
can have mom’s attention, and be seen and heard. Ultimately, once the child feels validated and seen,
the child tends to release grip from the mom and go back to playing. I’ve seen this dynamic happen over
and over, and have come to realize that our emotional self operates in a very similar manner.
Meaning, our emotions are primitive and are like little toddlers – our emotions need to be seen, heard,
and paid attention to in order to loosen their grip on us. If we try to ignore them, sweep them under the
rug, or pretend that we don’t feel a certain way when we really do, our emotions tug on us just like the

toddlers tug on their mothers. Our emotions are relentless, showing up in the form of anxiety,
depression, passive aggressive behavior, misplaced anger, or other seemingly random symptoms. Until
we look at our anger and see it, feel it, and validate it for ourselves, the symptoms remain and we are
unable to be free. Until we own it and claim what we deserve to feel, we are stuck and often don’t know
why.
One of the misconceptions about anger is that “if I’m a good person” or “if I’m a Christian” then anger is
not allowed. It is critical to understand that anger, in and of itself, is necessary to be a healthy human.
We must be able to feel the anger for the injustices that we have endured, but we can CHOOSE WHAT
TO DO with the anger that we feel. Many people are scared of anger because it has been modeled in
such unhealthy ways that many of us do not trust themselves to feel the anger – we fear that we too will
show our anger in an unhealthy, scary way. However, we don’t have to go slashing tires or assaulting
people when we get angry, nor do we have to hold it in – instead, we can choose to show it and do it in
a healthy way. Often, simply having a direct conversation with the person who hurt us is sufficient to
allow us to release the angry feelings about the event, assuming it is safe to do so. Learning healthy
ways to show anger is important skill to learn, especially if you are feeling unsure of where to start.
Another misconception that stands in our way is that empathy for the person who harmed us is more
important than the emotions and anger that show up for us. For instance, Kate loves her parents and
does not want to be angry at them so she has focused on empathizing with them and saying that they
did the best they could. Empathy is incredibly important, and having empathy is often a sign of a
healthy, evolved person. However, our psyche doesn’t do well when we go straight to empathy – it is
imperative that we acknowledge our anger FIRST and allow ourselves to have it, THEN move into having
empathy and understanding for why someone harmed us or why they were unable to meet our needs.
The order of this is crucial. Honor our hurt and anger first, then rationalize why it happened. If we flip
these two, we can find ourselves always excusing other’s behavior and stuffing down how we actually
feel and never get to our own anger. Kate would be better served to to accept that while her parents
were indeed doing the best they could, their actions truly and deeply frightened and hurt her. Once she
allows herself to feel that hurt and anger that she deserves to feel can truly move on, reduce her
anxiety, feel stronger in her self, and stop misdirecting that emotion.
Yet another misconception is that we have the ability to CHOOSE to be happy instead of being angry.
Yes, we might be able to choose behaviors that will increase our sense of self and reduce our mental
health struggles – which in turn can increase our happiness – but to think that we can choose our
emotions is preposterous. Emotions are core to our very being, not what we have learned or been
taught to do – they rise up in us, whether we want them or not. We have to learn to feel what shows up,
then choose what to do with those feelings in a healthy manner.
Some of us, like Kate, may not even be aware that we are angry deep down. After a lifetime of shoving
away these feelings, sometimes we lose our ability to connect to what we actually do feel. If this is the
case, we may find ourselves feeling tearful and sad often, but never being able to get angry. It is so
important to do the work of connecting to our feelings, even though it might feel scary at first. If we can
deal with the anger and authentically heal from it, the symptoms that disrupt our lives will start to fall
away.
We don’t need to have a headline grabbing event to deserve to be angry – yes, we can be angry about
an obvious wrong such as physical or sexual abuse, but many of us are actually angry about less obvious
things too – for example, repeatedly not being listened to, being invalidated, or being manipulated with

guilt. Whether we like it or not, if we have been wronged or hurt, we do need to acknowledge it, if even
to ourselves. That is the path to a stronger sense of self, reduced anxiety and depression, and better
relationships. Many people have a hard time doing this on their own, so if you feel stuck, seek out the
help of a good therapist to help you deal with your anger once and for all. Ripping off the band aid and
feeling the anger instead of running from the emotion can be life changing.

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW

Brad was a smart, social, confident executive when he met Elizabeth at a party. There was an instant attraction,
and they quickly began a serious relationship. He couldn’t believe how lucky he had gotten – Elizabeth was
intelligent, funny, beautiful, and successful, and she was CRAZY about him. At first, he was flattered by her
little fits of jealousy and her need to be with him all the time, but then she got more intense. She would get
angry at him for seemingly innocuous things, and she would blow up in rages at him. Then the next day, she
would sometimes act like nothing had happened, and question why he wouldn’t be as affectionate with her. He
often felt confused and off-balance; he never knew what he might do that would set her off again.
As time went on, she started demanding that Brad spend all of her time with him, and would pout if he didn’t.
Soon, Brad started saying no to friends and family because it was just easier than dealing with how Elizabeth
might respond. She started saying mean things about some of his friends, and he started to question his
judgment in choosing friends. He found himself pulling away from many of the people with whom he had once
been close. Often, Elizabeth would launch verbal assaults on Brad after his tasks around the house failed to
meet her standards. She would call him an “idiot,” say he was “unable to do anything right.” Gradually, Brad
began to ask her before he did anything, as he began to feel that he couldn’t make even small decisions on his
own. She criticized his career, said he wasn’t making enough money, and he started to feel incompetent in every
area of his life. Ultimately, he lost his ability to trust himself and his abilities.
But Elizabeth knew just how far she could push Brad. When he would start to think that perhaps he couldn’t
stay in the relationship anymore, she would become extremely sweet and loving again – just enough to lure him
back in. But these good times were, however, always short-lived. As soon as he started to feel that maybe she
really had changed, it would all start again. Each time he would try harder to make Elizabeth happy, but it was
never enough.
Brad settled into a significant depression, and felt like a complete failure, despite outsiders thinking he had a
“perfect life.” Elizabeth continued to use guilt trips on Brad for not giving her the kind of life she deserved, she
was always blaming Brad for everything that was wrong. She would cry and say things like “if you loved me
you would do anything to make me happy.” By this time, Brad’s self esteem was shattered and he was desperate
for the small glimpses of approval and “love” that she would sparingly dole out. Brad was going in circles, but
it never occurred to Brad that he was in an abusive relationship. He didn’t even really know what was wrong,
but he was miserable in his life, and saw no way out.
Abuse, in any form, is a horrific and devastating life event. Most of us, when we hear of abuse, think of
physical or sexual abuse – we are very aware that these abuses exist and know what they are. However, abuse is
not always as obvious as a hit, a shove, or a touch – there is another type of scarring abuse that many of us do
not even realize exists. It is called emotional abuse.
Emotional, or psychological, abuse is the most common type of abuse, yet it is the least talked about. A big
reason for this is that it is often very subtle, and usually begins so gradually that many victims don’t realize that
they are being emotionally abused for a long time. Many victims of emotional abuse report feeling very
bewildered about the relationship, or like they are always “walking on eggshells.” They often feel that they are
doing everything they possibly can, and trying not to mess up, yet it is never enough to keep their partner happy.

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident can constitute abuse, emotional abuse is usually more
insidious and sneaks up on the victim gradually with a series of behaviors.
Emotional abuse can be defined as abuse characterized by a person subjecting another to behavior that may
result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post traumatic stress disorder. This
abuse occurs when a person in a relationship tries to control and manipulate the other person to the point that
their sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and unacceptable becomes very distorted and confused.
But what does this abuse really look like? Some techniques are very overt and verbal, while others are more
subtle and confusing. These are some of the most common types of emotional abuse:
 Extremely volatile mood swings – victims finds themselves “walking on eggshells” to avoid a blowup,
never knowing what they may do to set their partner off, abuser frequently overreacts to small issues
 Gaslighting – the abuser provides false information or denies things that really happened in an attempt
to make the victim doubt their own memory or trust their own judgment of situations
 Compulsive and repeated lying – anything from slightly twisting the truth to fit the abuser’s needs, all
the way up to ridiculous, blatant lies
 Attempts to control/limit what the victim does or what they wear, telling the victim that normal
activities are “inappropriate,” making the victim feel the need to “get permission” before making even
small decisions, etc
 Guilt trips – blaming the victim for everything (including their own abusive behavior), denial of any
wrongdoing themselves, abuser not accepting responsibility for actions and always playing the role of
victim, double standards, lots of tears and drama
 Attempts to isolate the victim from family/friends – wanting the victim to spend all of their time with
the abuser (to the point that it becomes easier for the victim to do just that instead of dealing with the
aftermath), pitting the victim against others that they had been close to
 Unreasonable jealousy – accusing the victim of cheating or not allowing victim to do normal activities
for fear of them being around the opposite sex
 Making the victim feel that the abuser is the only one who can help them, and that “no one else will love
you like I do”
 Excessive monitoring – stalking the victim, constant calling/texting when not with victim to “check up”
on them
 Using money, gifts, or finances to control the victim, or saying things like “after all I’ve done for
you…”
 Verbal assaults, yelling, screaming, swearing
 Threatening or intimidating the victim to do what the abuser wants – using fear tactics, telling the victim
that they will expose their secrets or vulnerabilities if they don’t comply with the abuser’s wishes,
sometimes even threatening to harm the victim or themselves if the victim leaves the relationship
 Name calling or insults, constant put downs, criticizing (this can be done in form of teasing or sarcasm
that is not really teasing at all), bringing up the victim’s past failures and never letting them go
 Passive aggressive behavior (the silent treatment, ignoring or not responding to texts/calls in a
reasonable time frame, pouting, withholding affection, acting “gamey”) to get the victim to do things the
abuser’s way
 Contemptuous or condescending looks or comments
 Humiliating or shaming the victim (privately and/or publicly)

It is important to note that an isolated incident of verbal misconduct or jealous behavior does not constitute
emotional abuse. Rather, a pattern of some of these behaviors occurring over time is indicative of the problem.
This abuse, like all domestic violence, is usually very cyclical. This means that it tends to follow a fairly
predictable pattern over and over again. Usually, in the beginning, the abuser is extremely charming and
complimentary, going above and beyond in attempts to win over the victim. During this time, the abuser might
make showy gestures, or make early pronouncements of their devotion and love. It can seem almost too good to
be true. This early stage is commonly referred to as “lovebombing”. Once they feel sure that the victim is
hooked, the calm starts to fade and tensions start to build. At this point, the abuser will start to show some
anger, and the victim starts to feel uneasy and a need to watch every move. Inevitably, something will trigger
the abuser and they will lash out.
After a big blow up, the abuser will either minimize/deny the abuse, blame the victim, or in certain extreme
instances, may beg forgiveness… but they always try to charm their way back into the victim’s good graces.
Almost all abusive relationships have these periods of very intense highs, where things feel amazing and victims
want to believe that the person that they fell in love with has returned. But then, the cycle begins again.
Ultimately, the abuser seeks to have all of the power and control in the relationship, because in their mind, that
is the only time that they can feel “safe” to function in the relationship. This may be intentional, subconscious,
or both, but it is always extremely toxic.
Emotional abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, but physical abuse in relationships is almost always
preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse. While domestic violence is one of the possible outcomes of
emotional abuse, there are many other devastating effects from this abuse. The abused person starts to feel
helpless and responsible for all of the problems in the relationship. They start to think that if they could only do
everything right, they could make their partner happy again. Victims become beaten down. Many victims
describe themselves as a shell of their former selves; this abuse has long term debilitating effects on a person’s
sense of self esteem and integrity. Over time, many victims change the way they speak, behave, socialize, etc.,
in an effort to dodge the hurtful behavior. They gradually lose their identities. Victims become more vulnerable
as time goes on, and eventually grow to believe all of the things the partner says to them, including that they are
“stupid,” “crazy,” or “worthless.” They start to blame themselves for the partner’s abusive behavior.
Victims stay in these relationships for a variety of reasons. Abusers can convince victims that they are treating
them this way to “help” them. And, since victims are oftentimes not being physically hit, some excuse the
behavior and don’t call it abuse. Because of this, and because the abuse is often couched between good times,
many victims often feel trapped in a relationship that they don’t feel “justified” to leave. Victims often realize
deep down that something is not right, but they become paralyzed and feel that they are in a no-win situation.
This is further perpetuated because victims have often been gradually isolated from their support group. Since
the abuse is usually done in private, others have no idea what is really happening behind closed doors – and
some victims fear that others wouldn't believe them if they tried to speak poorly about or leave their abuser. And
worst of all, given the deep and profound effect of the abuse on their self esteem, most victims do not even feel
they are worthy of a better relationship.
Often, in a subconscious effort to survive in the relationship, victims actually normalize their mistreatment.
Excusing or normalizing the abuse takes away a victim’s ability to see things clearly – victims often adopt a
distorted world view and grow to ignore the abuse in order to minimize stress and conflict in the relationship.
Once this happens, it becomes very scary. This lost clarity of what is acceptable or unacceptable leaves a victim
very, very fragile. At this point, victims are essentially brainwashed to believe the reality that the abuser puts

before them. They can then be further manipulated, taken advantage of, and treated horribly, without even
being able to pinpoint why they are so depressed and miserable. This is crippling and leaves victims in a silent
torment that can lead to serious mental health issues.
Every case of emotional abuse looks different – some abusers are more jealous, some are more verbally
explosive, others are more passive aggressive. But no matter how it plays out, it is incredibly poisonous to one’s
mental health and happiness. Some of the incidents or behaviors that you see with this abuse may not sound like
much by themselves, but the cumulative disregard and manipulation takes a heavy toll on a person. It is
important to educate ourselves, our children, and our friends and family about this type of abuse so that we can
all recognize it and put a stop to it.
It doesn’t matter if you are a man, woman, old, young, gay, straight, well-educated, or not – it can happen to
anyone. If you recognize yourself in these examples or fear that you are living in an emotionally abusive
relationship, please talk to someone you really trust, or seek the help and support of a counselor to help you
decide how to proceed. If you are a victim of this type of abuse, please keep in mind that victims often lose the
ability to see things clearly and objectively, so it is critical to talk about it and get it “out of your head” so that
another person can provide some objectivity and healthy perspective. You might really love your partner, but
even if they tell you that they love you, they are not even capable of REAL love until they get serious help and
treatment for their own issues (which may include deep insecurity, personality disorders, etc). Realize that the
abuse is brought on by their issues and is not your fault! And, no matter how overwhelming it might feel, please
know that there is always a way out. It might feel scary or embarrassing to talk about it at first, but it is worth
addressing with a trusted person – because living in a silent hell is no way to live.

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW

When many of us hear the words “self love”, we immediately have a negative connotation… we start thinking of
that woman who is posting a new glamorous selfie every day… or we think of the narcissistic guy who acts like he
thinks that he is better than everyone around him. We have all heard that we should “just love ourselves” so many
times, yet, we tune it out, thinking that we don’t want to be that self-centered woman, or that arrogant guy.
But what most of us don’t understand is that there is an enormous difference between being selfish or narcissistic,
and actually practicing self love. In fact, when we truly love ourselves well, we tend to act far less selfishly than
someone who doesn’t love themselves. Narcissism, a word that is quickly becoming a household term, is not a
healthy self love – it is characterized by an excessive interest and preoccupation with one’s self, combined with a
general disregard for others and a lack of empathy. Being overly narcissistic is highly detrimental to both one’s self
and to close relationships; the narcissist’s inability to look in the mirror or truly understand another’s position
cripples intimacy and love.
Self love, on the other hand, is not a bad word. If we want to lead a fulfilling, happy life, and to get unstuck from
the negative places we find ourselves, self love is IMPERATIVE. Without self love, we have nowhere to put the love
or the good things that come our way. We end up sabotaging opportunities, feeling we don’t deserve things (and
thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy), resenting our loved ones…and in the end, just plain unhappy.
What is self love, really? Self love is not a destination – it is a practice, just like brushing our teeth. For many of us,
it takes effort, attention, and mindful attempts to incorporate these practices into our lives, especially if we grew
up not being shown how to do this. Let’s discuss some of the biggest ways that we can start practicing self love.
 First of all, self love is practicing good self care – making sure we eat right, get enough sleep, creating the
space to exercise/do a hobby/maintain friendships, etc. These things sound so basic, but if we think about
it, we can’t function well if these things are not happening on a regular basis. We may try to convince
ourselves that we don’t need these things. We may feel guilty when we take 30 minutes to go take a run,
or when we spend 15 minutes catching up with a dear friend, but ultimately, we are a better parent,
partner, and friend when we do. Let’s face it – when we don’t do these things, we very often become
irritable, impatient, and even resentful.
 Another very important component to self love is allowing ourselves to recognize and honor our
authentic feelings. Some of us grew up not feeling emotionally safe to connect to and express our real
thoughts and feelings. As adults, we need to learn how to check in and ensure that we are really doing
this – that our words and actions are truly matching up with our inner thoughts and feelings. When we do
not do this, we are not being true to ourselves – and we pay a huge price for this (weakened sense of self,
higher depression and anxiety, etc.).
 Another key component to self love is having healthy boundaries. Boundaries, meaning, we filter – they
allow us to say what is ok, and what is not ok. We don't allow anyone and everyone in to our inner
sanctum. We move slowly with people to find out who we can trust, before we repeatedly invest in
people who are very likely to harm us. We draw lines in the sand and stand by them; we recognize

abusive behavior and don't tolerate it. We know that trying to change someone who is living in a toxic
way is pointless, so we are able to extricate ourselves and wish the other person well. We wish them
healing and love at their core, but know that we CAN'T love them hard enough to change them. We know
to treat ourselves well, we know what we deserve, and we don't allow others to beat down and break our
spirit. We walk away when necessary to preserve our soul and spirit. And while we can always forgive and
walk away with love, we need to be more selective about whom we reconcile with (there is a big
difference). Many of us struggle with boundaries because we feel that having boundaries interferes with
our ability to be a kind, loving, good person. But being a good person has nothing to do with letting other
people destroy us. We can best help people from a position of strength, and that strength is challenged
when we are surrounded by people who are harmful to us. It is our right and responsibility to make good
decisions for ourselves. We can always love others, but sometimes, it is best done from afar. Boundaries
help us protect ourselves, and the relationships we hold most dear, from the toxicity that is around us.
 Another aspect to self love is investing the time and energy in ourselves to really deal with our core
issues (childhood issues, baggage from prior relationships, fears, insecurities, etc). If we don't invest in
ourselves enough to address these things and learn to come to terms with them, or gain an inner peace,
they will follow us around everywhere. They will negatively affect our relationships, and come back to
haunt us every time we try to love another. Unresolved issues always rear their ugly head when we most
want to love someone, and unfortunately, we end up sabotaging things we really want. These issues can
be addressed in many ways, but sometimes people need therapy to get through and fully heal. It can be a
very worthwhile investment for people who need to do this self work (but were never given the tools to
do so).
 Yet another core aspect to self love is showing ourselves grace, and forgiving ourselves. We recognize
that we are imperfect, and accept ourselves and our flaws. We can admit our weaknesses, and look in the
mirror to try to improve what we want to change. But we don't beat ourselves up – no self hatred or
shaming. We are kind and forgiving to ourselves (and in turn, tend to be better able to exhibit this positive
behavior towards others). We look for good in ourselves and value our strengths, and likewise, tend to
then be able to see it in others. We are less judgmental because we have full capacity for empathy…we
give empathy to ourselves, and again, this naturally translates to our ability to give it to others. Research
supports that those who do not self love tend to fall into one of two camps: they either tend to treat
others badly (as a reflection of how they view themselves), or they allow themselves to be treated badly
(as they feel that is all they deserve). We reflect what we feel inside, one way or another.

Practicing self love essentially fuels good self esteem. Self esteem is essential to have healthy, positive, long term
relationships. When we have good self esteem, we basically respect ourselves. When we self love, we tend to
surround ourselves with healthy people who uplift us and make us better, instead of people who drain us and tear
us down; we believe that we deserve good things, and don’t settle for less. We don't need to overcompensate – we
don't need to be showy, or brag – because we believe we are good at the core and don't need constant
reassurances from everyone else to believe it. Doing the work of establishing good self love helps us become
strong in the deepest corner of our inner self, and this makes us less dependent on the opinions of others. We
don't need to be "people pleasers". We don't let ourselves be walked on or taken advantage of to try to gain
approval. We are no longer codependent – which ends up being toxic and harmful to everyone involved. We can
allow ourselves to be interdependent with others…that healthy balance of dependency and independence (and
the sweet spot for a healthy relationship to thrive).

But here's what's interesting…when we have good self esteem and no longer feel the need to be a people pleaser,
we are finally able to really please and love a person. But, it is born out of WANTING and being ABLE to please and
share, not out of a desperation for them to love us and give us validation to make us feel good (which is temporary
and short-lived). We can finally give others what they really need vs aching for them to fill our voids, and it never
being enough. We end up being less selfish because we are reflecting the good that is inside us. And, ironically
enough, we are also less likely to act narcissistic- because if we are more secure at our core, we have less need to
self aggrandize. To put it simply, if we do not have self love, we tend to act even more narcissistic and more
selfishly than someone, who In fact, loves themselves well.
While we are all intimately connected in this world, there is a deep corner in each of us which is the self, that only
we can touch. We are, as children, shaped to have a good self esteem and taught how to love that self…or we are
not. In those instances where we were not modeled good self love, we need to address that as an adult by
investing in learning to self love. Others may try to help us, or try to save us from ourselves, but they will fail, and
we will likely resent them for trying. If we are unable to practice self loving behaviors on our own, good therapy
can help us uncover the reasons that we may be unable to practice self love. Therapy can teach us how to not only
cognitively understand self love, but can also allow us to unlock the emotional barriers that we may not even be
aware of. We can't have a healthy self without healthy attachment and connection (either from parents, loved
ones, or a therapist). Likewise, we can't create new healthy connections if we don't love ourselves. It is the old
adage about the chicken and the egg…both are intertwined, one can't exist without the other.
At first glance, self love can sound selfish and narcissistic, but it really is quite the opposite. Instead of rolling your
eyes the next time you hear the phrase “love yourself”, try to consider that practicing self love is actually the
birthplace of altruism and kindness, and not narcissism at all. It is the only path to both giving and receiving the
love and good opportunities that come into our lives. And, ultimately, isn’t that what we all want?

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW

Forgiveness can be a scary concept for a lot of us. When we hear that we “should forgive” someone who
has deeply hurt us, many of us find ourselves balking. We start thinking that, if we forgive them, we
excuse what they did to us. We think that we are condoning what they did. Maybe the other person isn’t
really even sorry for their behavior. Should we let them off the hook that easily? Most of all, we worry
that if we let that person back into our lives, that they will hurt us again.
But forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to mean any of these things. Forgiveness, in its most basic
form, can be defined as “to release.” In the psychological community, forgiveness is generally defined as
a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of anger, resentment, or vengeance toward someone
who has harmed us. This is something that we can all do, regardless of whether the offending person
has apologized or asked for forgiveness… or not. We can even do this if the person who hurt us is no
longer living. Forgiveness can happen whether or not our offender participates, because it is something
that happens within us.
All of this may sound simplistic, but this does not mean that forgiveness is easy. Very few people can
naturally and easily forgive. People tend to fall into one extreme or the other – either we cannot allow
ourselves to truly feel the anger about the injustice done OR we feel it so strongly that we cannot let go
of the resentment. In the first extreme scenario, we may have been taught as children that anger is not
an acceptable emotion and so we never learned how to express it. We feel, perhaps unconsciously, that
anger is bad, so we try to avoid getting angry at all costs. But most experts will share that before we can
genuinely forgive, we need to be able to be angry, to feel the anger, and to express it. We need to know
that expressing anger is not only ok, but necessary, so that we don’t inadvertently rush into a superficial
peace that does not really last.
In the other extreme scenario, others of us cannot let go of our anger or ever move past it. This can
happen for a variety of reasons, but it is important to address why we tend to hold onto resentment.
Have we grown comfortable in the role of the victim? Do we have some childhood attachment issues
that interfere with our ability to feel secure and trustful in the world? Or are we scared that we are not
honoring ourselves if we stop being angry? It is important not to blame ourselves for being unable to let
go, but instead to do some self-examination to understand our struggle so that we can learn how to let
go of future resentments.
In going through this process, it is imperative that we not only understand what forgiveness is, but also
what it is not. It is not condoning or excusing what the offender did. Nor is it forgetting their behavior. It
doesn’t even mean that we have to “hug it out and make up” and let that person into our world again.
Though forgiveness can help repair a relationship that has been damaged, it is critical to understand the
difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is simply releasing the negative
emotions toward another person. It is making a choice to no longer hate, resent, seek revenge, or let the
offender have any negative power over us. Forgiving empowers us to acknowledge the pain we suffered,
without letting that pain define us any longer.
For many, a common obstacle to forgiving is that we believe that we will always remember what the
person did to hurt us. And it is true, forgiving does not erase the painful past. Just because we forgive,
does not mean that we forget. Instead, in forgiving, we create a new way to remember and a new way
to think about what happened. Perhaps we have more understanding about why someone was the way

that they were, or we are able to look at something from a different perspective. Again, it’s not excusing
or justifying the hurtful behavior, but it is looking at it with a deeper, fuller understanding. Ultimately, it
is learning to find a way to get rid of the weight that has been burdening our spirit so that we can finally
move on with our life.
If we do choose to reconcile and let someone back in, that is something related, but different.
Reconciliation is choosing not only to forgive, but to take a step further and begin to trust someone
again – to trust that they will not harm us again, to trust that they are capable of keeping their word.
This is oftentimes a difficult decision. Though we always benefit from forgiving another person, we need
to be more selective about with whom we reconcile. It only takes one person to forgive, but it takes two
active participants to reconcile. And sadly, it is not necessarily wise to let everyone back in. Sometimes
in life, we learn that certain people are toxic to us. Whether they are abusive, repeatedly dishonest,
unable to keep their promises, manipulative, or simply not capable of loving as we deserve to be loved,
sometimes it is best to put up a strong boundary with another person to protect ourselves.
Even if, however, we have the painful realization that we cannot open ourselves up to someone again,
at the very least, we can forgive. Because forgiveness isn’t just for them, it is for us. It is necessary to
forgive, even if we don’t choose to reconcile, if we want to be happy again. Until we make the decision
to fully forgive and let go, the other person has power over us, power over our thoughts and emotions.
They have us in chains, and only we can make the choice to get out and break free. The renowned
ethicist Lewis B. Smedes said it perfectly. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner
was you.”
Here are 4 basic steps that are critical in the forgiveness process:
1) Let ourselves truly feel all of the emotions that the offense caused, and allow ourselves to express
them. Don’t shortcut this process – make sure to cry, talk it out, yell, or do whatever it takes to voice all
of the feelings involved. If we can do this with the person who offended us, that’s best. If not, any
trusted confidant will suffice, such as a friend, family member, pastor, or professional therapist.
2) Try to understand why it happened. Our brains have a hard time resting until we have created some
sort of schema, or rationale, for why or how an event occurred. Even if we never have the chance to ask
for or receive a reasonable answer, we need to go through this process in our minds and create a way of
explaining the event to ourselves that is helpful for us.
3) Allow for the goal of personal safety. We need to feel reasonably safe that the hurtful behavior will
not happen again. Whether this comes by a sincere apology and reconciliation, by putting up stronger
boundaries to protect ourselves, or even if it is by completely removing the offender from our lives, we
cannot fully let go until we feel an overall safety that we will not be injured in that way again.
4) And lastly, make the choice to let go. Letting go is a decision; it is a promise to ourselves that we will
stop ruminating about and dwelling on what happened. (However, it is important not to confuse the act
of letting go of our ruminations with the idea that the injury doesn’t matter.) If we do choose to take the
extra step and proceed with reconciliation in a relationship, this step includes not bringing up the
incident again and holding it over the other’s head in the future. It is truly letting it all go. This final step
is often harder than it sounds: if we have not gone through the prior steps properly, we might find
ourselves stuck at this final step and simply unable to let go.

No matter how difficult it might be, we are simply better off if we can dig deep and find a way to do the
work so that we can truly forgive. Empirical research has repeatedly shown that people who are able to
forgive are both happier and healthier. In numerous studies, it has been found that people who learn
how to forgive perform better over the long-term both mentally (they report fewer anger issues, less
mental anguish/pain, have more compassion, improved moods) and physically (they experience fewer
immune system problems, fewer cardiovascular problems, reduced risk of cancer, and overall improved
vitality). In fact, the health benefits of forgiveness are so clear and proven by multiple studies, it is
becoming increasingly apparent that holding onto a long-term grudge can actually be physically self-
destructive.
Forgiving can take a long time, and can be difficult to truly accomplish, but it is one of the best things we
can do for ourselves – even if we choose not to reconcile. If you find yourself resistant or unsure, if you
are stuck on one of the steps, if you are unclear if you should forgive and/or reconcile, or if you want
help facilitating a reconciliation, seek the help of a professional therapist. Forgiving can be one of the
most challenging things we ever do, but doing so authentically can be a life-changing, freeing
experience.