Navigating the Challenges and Celebrating the Inch-stones: The Journey of Special Needs Parenting and Therapy

When we start out on our personal journey to become parents, we are often filled with hopes and dreams for our future children. We often look forward to celebrating each milestone – the first time they roll over, their first steps, the first time they say “Mama” or “Dada,” their first day of kindergarten, graduation, and getting married. As parents, we set out on this journey knowing it will be filled with joy and love, anticipating that we will face a few challenges along the way. However, for some of us, our hopes and dreams suddenly look a whole lot different than we anticipated. Unexpectedly, we are now referring to ourselves as someone we never imagined. We are now special needs parents. We are now the parents of a child with medical complexities. We are now a parent of a child with alternative abilities. All titles that we never dreamt of being called.

For those of us raising a child with special needs, the parenting journey can be uniquely demanding. It’s a journey that requires unwavering dedication, resilience, and a commitment to providing the best possible care for our children. We are forced to re-evaluate our hopes, dreams, and expectations. Milestones become a thing of the past; now we celebrate progress based on inch-stones. However, this is not something that we can often accept overnight. Sometimes, parents need assistance and guidance on accepting this new way of parenting. One invaluable resource that often plays a pivotal role in the lives of special needs families is therapy. In this article, we will explore the challenges faced by special needs parents and delve into the significant benefits that therapy can bring to both parents and children.

Challenges of Special Needs Parenting

Emotional Rollercoaster:

Special needs parents often experience a rollercoaster of emotions, including feelings of grief, frustration, and isolation. Coping with the diagnosis of a child’s special needs can be an overwhelming experience, and parents may find themselves grappling with uncertainty about the future.

Financial Strain:

The financial burden of raising a child with special needs can be substantial. Medical expenses, therapy costs, and special education services may strain family finances, adding an extra layer of stress to an already challenging situation.

Social Isolation:

Special needs parenting can be isolating, as families may face difficulties in finding understanding and support from their social circles. The unique demands of caring for a child with special needs may lead to limited opportunities for socializing, further exacerbating feelings of isolation.

Advocacy and Navigating Systems:

Special needs parents often find themselves acting as advocates for their children within various systems, including education, healthcare, and social services. Navigating these systems can be daunting and time-consuming, requiring a deep understanding of legal rights and the services available to their child.

Benefits of Therapy for Special Needs Families

Emotional Support:

One of the primary benefits of therapy for parents of special needs children is emotional support. The challenges and uncertainties that come with caring for a child with special needs can lead to feelings of isolation, guilt, and stress. Therapy provides a safe environment for parents to express their emotions, fears, and frustrations, helping them develop coping mechanisms to navigate the emotional rollercoaster.

Stress Reduction and Self-Care:

Caring for a special needs child can be physically and emotionally demanding. Therapy emphasizes the importance of self-care and stress reduction techniques. Parents learn to prioritize their well-being, ensuring they have the resilience needed to conquer the ongoing challenges of parenting a child with special needs.

Coping Strategies:

Therapy equips parents with effective coping strategies to manage the unique challenges they may encounter. From understanding the specific needs of their child to managing their own stress levels, therapists collaborate with parents to develop personalized coping mechanisms. These strategies empower parents to face daily challenges with resilience and adaptability.

Communication and Relationship Building:

Effective communication is crucial in any family, but it becomes even more vital when raising a special needs child. Therapy can assist parents in improving communication skills, fostering understanding, and strengthening familial bonds. As parents learn to navigate the intricacies of their child’s condition, they often find that therapy enhances their ability to connect on a deeper level.

Advocacy Skills:

Therapy provides parents with valuable tools to become effective advocates for their special needs children. Understanding their child’s rights, navigating educational systems, and collaborating with healthcare professionals becomes more manageable with the guidance of a therapist. Empowered parents can actively participate in their child’s development and ensure they receive the support they need.

Special needs parenting is a unique journey filled with challenges, but therapy emerges as a beacon of hope and support. By addressing the emotional, social, and practical aspects of parenting a child with special needs, therapy empowers parents to embrace their new role with resilience and determination. The benefits of therapy extend beyond individual well-being; they contribute to the overall health and harmony of the family unit. The journey becomes not only about caring for a special needs child but also about personal growth, strength, and the unwavering love that defines the parent-child relationship.

MANAGING THE HOMEWORK BATTLE WITH YOUR ADHD STUDENT

By Shelah Radke, MD

 

As the school year is kicking into full swing, many of us parents are facing the daily struggle of getting our children to complete homework on time.  Many children and teens put off homework occasionally, but if kids procrastinate on a regular basis, it makes the work harder, can impact sleep, and eventually impacts physical and emotional well-being.  This is a battle that many parents face, but when your child has an ADHD diagnosis, it can be that much more difficult. This article seeks to share some tips for managing this daunting task.

 

While these strategies will work for any student, they’re especially helpful for those who struggle with ADHD or executive functioning concerns.   Some of these pointers are from the “Work-Smart Academic Planner” (by Peg Dawson), which I highly recommend, and the “Smart but Scattered, Teen Edition” (also by Peg Dawson, Colin Guare, and Richard Guare).

 

Here are some key strategies:

 

1) Same time every day – Schoolwork/homework needs to be done at roughly the same time and same duration every day, no matter what is due when. This enables clients to avoid the trap of forgetting to do schoolwork, and also requires them to work on executive functioning skills by planning when to do various tasks ahead of time.  They must open up that task planner and review what was done that day and what’s coming up every afternoon at the same time.  This is crucial for ADHD’ers who can’t keep all of that data in their working memory.

 

2) Second set of textbooks – In order to make the above work best, it is highly recommended that clients request a second set of textbooks (or electronic version of textbooks) for home use from the school.  This is an accommodation that we can easily request from the school system due to the ADHD diagnosis.  That way every book is at home every day, and if we break up a project into smaller pieces over a few days, the client’s poor back won’t have to pay the price. In addition, we don’t have to deal with the risk that forgetting to bring a book home may impact schoolwork.

 

3) As early as possible – The best time to do schoolwork is just after the school day has finished.  This is because cortisol levels only continue to fall for the rest of the day, and focus medications only decrease later in the day.  Doing schoolwork just after school has finished enables us to make the most of our cognitive abilities and reduce the overall amount of time spent doing the work, because it’s more efficient.   I encourage patients to grab a snack and get nice and hydrated, then get down to it, as it is much harder to get started on hard tasks after we’ve been doing easier ones.  The only exception I’ve ever made to this rule is if clients want to work out just after school.  If they are going to do some nice cardio (jogging, rowing, etc.) just after school, this would actually improve their focus and cognitive abilities for starting homework just following that activity.

 

4) Environmental impact – Since some exhausted ADHD clients (and anxious clients) tend to like to nap just after school (and this is not recommended during the day for more than a 15 or 20 minute “power nap” by sleep neurologists… and let’s face it, how many teens would stop napping after 15-20 minutes?), I would consider choosing an environment to do schoolwork that is not the bedroom.  Perhaps they work at a coffee shop, or in a library, or in the kitchen where other family members are occasionally present.  The goal is where there’s not much else to do, and it wouldn’t be comfortable to sleep.  This location option helps to avoid the temptation of getting off-task.  Phones also should be turned to either pomodoro timers or off essentially during work time, as it’s too easy to get caught up in a text chat or social media notification. Once a client is in a more consistent routine, they might be able to handle doing homework in the bedroom, but it still isn’t recommended, because it trains the brain to think of homework when trying to sleep.

 

5) Hardest work first –  Now that we’ve taken out all of the mystery and wiggle room in terms of when and where homework tasks should be done, we have to deal with the possible wiggle room with which homework is done.  It is always best for clients to start the hardest tasks first, and avoid the temptation of “well, I’m doing homework” but it’s either not what’s due or what is most difficult to do.  Getting more difficult tasks done first makes people feel awesome and accomplished, and more able to get the rest done.  Putting off the hard tasks trains the brain that we should fear more difficult work.

 

6) 5 minute trick –  One surprisingly helpful trick is to have a client attempt the dreaded task for “five minutes” – with the plan that if they really don’t want to continue after 5 minutes of work, they can quit and do something else.  This is helpful for getting started, because “anyone can do something for 5 minutes…” The amazing thing about this trick is that after doing a task for about 5 minutes, the client has usually settled into doing the new task, and the issue with transitions is over, so they typically don’t want to stop now that they are working successfully.  Most of the time they will continue working for the allotted time, and feel great about getting it done.  If they are still really miserable after 5 minutes, however, they need to stop as they promised themselves they would do, and then journal about the barriers they came up against when attempting the task.  Usually there are important reasons why a client is struggling –  an executive functioning issue, a medication issue, sleep issue, etc. that needs to be addressed.

 

7) Pomodoro technique –   The Pomodoro method has clients work for 25 minute periods of time, then take 5 minutes off. This 30 minute segment is considered a “Pomodoro.” (this name originates from the tomato shaped timer originally used by the inventor of this technique) They should start by planning out their “Pomodoros” for the time allotted – usually clients will do 2 or 3 (maybe even 4??) per study period.  The reason why we like the Pomodoro is because it helps us to figure out how much clients are getting done in a set period of time.  Over time, we can measure if this efficiency improves or worsens based on other interventions we’re adding.  We also want the homework done as soon as possible so they can get back to living their lives, and Pomodoro tends to create the most work output in the least amount of time.  In addition, clients cannot use the time spent organizing or planning their tasks to count as part of the Pomodoro – and this reduces the risk of another ADHD-ism of spending the whole study period planning how to study rather than actually doing it.

 

 

8) Tracking daily homework successes and journaling/reflecting –   This is built into the “Work-Smart Academic Planner”, but it’s also helpful on its own.  Have the client briefly journal at the end of every work period about how things went.  This could be a set of structured questions they answer or just a brief 2-3 sentences of reflection in a homework planner.  This is essential for ADHD clients because they won’t learn from their trials and successes unless they’re able to recall them.  In addition, some of the barriers they’re facing may be surmountable by someone with strong/excellent executive functioning skills.

 

9) Rewarding hard work – There need to be immediate (chocolate, ice cream, favorite Netflix show) and longer term (makeup, favorite branded clothes, concert tickets) rewards for hard work well done.  This has NOTHING to do with the grades earned on the exams or homework.  ADHD clients need an immediate reward for hard work, so giving them something to look forward to occurring just after they complete their study hour is important.  Make sure that they take 5 minutes of time to celebrate the completion of the daily homework in some way.  Working toward a bigger reward, such as after completing 10 daily homework sessions, is also really important for young ADHD’ers, because they need to begin to stretch their cognitive processing abilities and anticipate the future and future consequences more effectively.

 

10) Body double –  If ALL else fails – then you need to start with a body double.  This means that someone needs to be present while the ADHD’er is studying for the full hour to two hours to assist with the studying period.  This could be a college-age tutor that parents pay to come two afternoons a week, or a school-representative who works with them one afternoon a week, and then an older brother/sister who works with them the last two days of the week.  It is best if the person is not the parent.  It’s too emotionally loaded.

 

Ultimately, it is important to stay patient and give compassion to both your student and yourself. These are challenging things to navigate.  Hopefully, these strategies will help you feel more prepared for the school year ahead and give you ideas for how to manage this very real challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

Staying Power: When Your Child Wants to Come Home From College

By Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

Staying Power: When Your Child Wants to Come Home from College

Jennifer Webbe Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

 

As a mother of a college freshman, I must admit that I may be more attuned to the conversations of new college freshmen being “unhappy” and deciding to leave college – before it has really begun. Kids today find it very easy to call it quits and move back home and, alarmingly, many parents allow them. There may be several reasons as to why this happens. Do we live in a world where today’s youth need instant gratification? Is this generation just “entitled?” Have we given them the tools to fly the coop? Or is it that we parents have enabled this batch of kids so much that they lack the independence and skills to make it on their own?

Dissatisfaction with the college experience at the end of the first semester is not uncommon. Several national studies suggest that one-third of college students do not return for their sophomore year of college, though there is little data regarding how many of those students leave at the midpoint of their first year. However, both college personnel and first-year students know that there are many students who will not be back for the second semester.

There are good days and bad days for everyone, of course. College students are no different. As parents, we hope that our college students will have more good days than bad. But sometimes, your college student may hit a string of bad days or may seem particularly unhappy with their college experience. This is one of those times when, as parents, we may feel most helpless. In some ways, we are. It is tremendously difficult to sit back and watch your student try to work through the situation him or herself…and some students may lack the ability to make lemonades out of their lemons.

Many of today’s kids come from a house of entitlement and feel as if they need instant gratification. They move into a dorm room that is less than plush; it does not resemble the comforts of home. They may decorate to the nines and try to settle into their new residence. However, as much as they try, it will never be home. Mom is not in the kitchen making their favorite meal, fresh towels are not in their community bathroom, and they are living with a complete stranger. Our kids think that they will instantly be settled. It takes time, patience, and a lot of social networking. This is something most didn’t have to do in high school. As parents, we need to allow them to be uncomfortable and to work through the process.

Kids today have a difficult time “fending for themselves.” This is due in part to our generation of parents who have coddled and hovered during those teenage years. Many of our kids did not learn the skills they need to be independent and spread their wings. Parents rushed to their child’s aid with teachers, coaches, and homework assignments. Now, living away from home and not having that helicopter parent there to help can leave our college students flailing in the wind. This contributes to lonely and helpless feelings.

Your child needs to have a sense of belonging on campus or the feeling of “fit.” Working or being off campus can impact that feeling. Many students who spend a significant number of hours off campus, either due to work or outside activities, (more than twenty hours per week) often feel less satisfied with their college experience because they are less connected.

Social isolation also has a big impact. Students who feel alone are obviously unhappier. Even on a very large campus, it is possible for your student to feel isolated from others. These students need to be encouraged to join activities. That may be an intramural sport, Greek life, or campus government. In many cases, student dissatisfaction stems less from academic programs, residence hall conditions, or activities than from feelings of connection and fit. Encourage your child to do all that he or she can to find and connect with others.

When considering a return home, perhaps one of the first and most important things that parents need to determine is the level of certainty that their student has about that decision.  Is he firm that he will not return, or is he floating the idea to measure your reaction and perhaps seek your advice? Your task will be less to tell her what to do and more to help her explore her own feelings, abilities, and options. Whatever is decided in the end, your student must be comfortable with and committed to the decision.

 

Some things we can do as parents:

·        Listen. Take time just to hear what your student has to say and reflect on his or her thoughts. They may just need you to be a sympathetic ear.

 

·       Help your child realize that they are not alone. Many students feel the same way at various points in their college careers. Although he or she may still be unhappy now, understanding that this is a normal phase may help to put things in perspective.

 

·       Help them determine the validity of their complaints. Are their expectations realistic? Is their problem chronic or a one-time issue?

 

·       Insist on honesty. Insist that your student be honest both with you and with him or herself. Don’t let them make excuses. Don’t let them gloss over real issues. Help them take a full and honest look at the situation and their place in it.

 

·       Encourage time and patience. Sometimes issues or situations may need time to run their course. If your student is unhappy at the midpoint of a first semester and talks about transferring or dropping out, try to insist that they finish the year. A second semester is often very different. Giving the experience a chance may be all that is needed. Countless students talk about transfer during that first semester and wouldn’t consider leaving their school by the end of the year.

 

·       Help your student reflect on their attitude and actions. What are they doing to correct or improve the situation? Have they tried to connect or talk to someone on campus or made an effort to change their approach? Help them think about whether they are working to improve the situation.

 

·       Consider a strategy or action plan. Rather than just waiting it out, or continuing to be miserable, help your student create a plan of attack. Taking action, even in small ways, helps your student feel empowered and in control.

 

·       If your student is considering a transfer, help them consider whether they will be taking their problems with them. Are the issues truly with the school or with themselves? What would be different somewhere else?

 

·       Help your student think about the satisfied and happy students on campus. What is it about those happier students that make them happy? What are they doing differently? They are at the same institution and are having a better experience. Why? Are there behaviors that your student might adopt?

 

·       Don’t set your student up with unrealistic expectations. Many of us, as college parents, may be guilty of telling our students that, “These are the best years of your life!” They may not be. Help your student realize that there will be some wonderful experiences, but there will also be some lows. College is about hard work, meeting new people (some of whom your student may not like), navigating a new world, and learning independence and responsibility. These factors can make demands on students that may, at times, seem overwhelming.

 

·       Lastly, consider whether this college or university was truly your child’s choice or your own. Many of today’s parents press their children into making the college choice that most appeals to the parent, rather than that which feels right to the child. The same can be said for college majors, dormitories, and even first-semester courses. If your son or daughter never wanted to attend this institution, their unhappiness may be a sign that they need to make the choice that is right for them.

 

 

The college experience is a roller coaster for most students. The good times are particularly exhilarating, and the lows are particularly deep. The student who is prepared for the emotional changes will better weather those changes. Although, as a parent, you cannot change the experiences, you can help your student learn from, value, and grow through the experiences.

 

Challenges in Switching Psychiatric Medications

By Jeff Boatman, APRN-MHCNS

 

We live in a society where we are accustomed to – and expect – instant gratification and results. However, for many of us, the process of finding the correct psychiatric medication can take time and be extremely frustrating. Oftentimes, we have been misdiagnosed or have tried multiple different psychotropic meds over long periods of time – with minimal positive outcomes. Sometimes, we can become so frustrated that we want to “give up” on finding the right medication, and the problems continue or worsen. It is critical for us to have a clear understanding of the process and potential challenges of switching psychiatric medications so that we can understand and be prepared for the experience.  Switching psychiatric medications can be a crucial step in managing mental health conditions effectively, and this article aims to share valuable information to consider when transitioning between medications, ensuring a smoother and safer experience.
It is vital to have a good working relationship with a psychiatric provider whom you trust when considering a switch. A provider should involve you, the patient, in the decision-making process and be willing to consider your previous experiences with medications, comorbidities, and other factors that may affect the treatment. As a patient, you have a responsibility to share your concerns, symptoms, and goals to ensure the new medication aligns with YOUR specific needs. The provider should spend an appropriate amount of time educating patients and families about all the dynamics involved in making a switch and allow adequate time for questions to be answered and expectations to be discussed. Here are some important considerations that the provider should address with you.
  • Understanding Reasons for Switching Psychotropic – Changes to medication may occur due to various reasons. It could be due to inadequate symptom relief, intolerable side effects, lack of response to the current medication, interactions with other medications, cost, or the emergence of new symptoms. Understanding the specific reasons behind the switch can help you and your healthcare provider make informed decisions regarding alternative medications or treatment strategies.
  • Importance of Gradual Tapering and Titration – Switching psychiatric medications often requires a gradual tapering from the current medication while simultaneously introducing the new one. Abrupt discontinuation can lead to withdrawal symptoms or a sudden worsening of symptoms. Follow your healthcare provider’s instructions carefully regarding the tapering and titration schedule. It may take several weeks or longer to transition fully, as this allows your body to adjust to the new medication while minimizing potential adverse effects. In addition, patients need to be educated about possible withdrawal symptoms that may occur. Some people may experience withdrawal symptoms when switching from one psychotropic drug to another. These symptoms can include anxiety, depression, insomnia, and irritability.
  • Potential Interactions: The provider should explain to the patient and family any potential interactions between the new medication and other medications that the patient is taking. You should also be advised on any food or beverages to avoid when taking the new medication.
  • Potential Side Effects and Monitoring. Different psychiatric medications can have varying side effects. Your healthcare provider should inform you about potential side effects associated with the new medication. Common side effects may include gastrointestinal discomfort, dizziness, drowsiness, changes in appetite, weight gain, lethargy, changes in sleep patterns, or sexual dysfunction. Be aware of these possibilities but remember that not everyone experiences them. Regular check-ins and follow-up appointments with your psychiatric provider are crucial during the transition phase to monitor your response to the new medication and address any concerns or side effects that may arise.
  • A clear understanding of the new medication: The provider should explain the new medication, including its name (generic and name brand), action, dosage, scheduling if it should be taken with or without food, possible side effects to look for, and what the realistic expectations should be.
  • Plan for monitoring: The provider should explain how you will be monitored during the transition to the new medication. This may include a phone call, a text to a provider with an update, more frequent follow-up appointments, and possible blood tests. It is important that there is a plan for the patient to reach out if experiencing issues.
Switching psychiatric medications can be challenging, and it is essential to remain patient throughout the process. It may take time to find the right medication and dosage that works best for you. Changing medications requires careful consideration, open communication with healthcare providers, and patience. By understanding the reasons behind the switch, following gradual tapering and titration protocols, being aware of potential side effects, and maintaining regular communication with your healthcare provider, you can navigate the transition process more effectively and improve your mental health outcomes. Remember, you are not alone—seek the support you need to ensure a successful switch.

Beyond Parenthood: Nurturing Relationships and Maintaining Connections

By Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

 

Becoming a parent is a transformative experience that brings immense joy and fulfillment. However, raising children can also undoubtedly be overwhelming. Amidst the demands of raising children, it’s crucial to remember the importance of nurturing your own relationships and maintaining connections that were present pre-parenthood. Below, I have outlined ways to help parents navigate the role of balancing child-rearing responsibilities while simultaneously fostering meaningful connections with others.
Prioritizing Relationships: Recognizing Their Value
Acknowledging the importance of relationships in your life beyond your role as a parent is important. Having relationships with others creates a sense of emotional support. Parenthood can bring on many emotions including fulfillment, joy, exhaustion, and stress. Maintaining important relationships in your life provides you with a support system. This support system allows you to share experiences, seek advice, and talk with others who may be able to empathize with your journey through parenthood. These connections can alleviate feelings of isolation and allow you to feel a sense of reassurance, validation, and “togetherness”. Nurturing relationships and friendships contribute to your overall well-being. These relationships provide opportunities for laughter, enjoyment, and relaxation. Engaging in activities and spending time with loved ones can boost your mood, reduce stress levels, and enhance your mental and emotional well-being. Building and maintaining strong relationships and friendships during the early stages of parenthood can lay the foundation for long-term support. As your child grows, these connections can become an extended network of support for both you and your child.
Friendships and Social Connections: Cultivating a Supportive Network
At times parenthood can lead to social isolation or withdrawal. The demands of parenting and the exhaustion that often accompanies it may cause some parents to prioritize rest and family time over socializing. This can result in reduced contact and less frequent interaction with friends. Parenthood can also bring about shifts in friendship dynamics. Parenting responsibilities often require planning and structure, leaving less room for spontaneous outings or last-minute social engagements. Parents may need to prioritize childcare arrangements or adhere to routines, which can make it harder to engage in impromptu social activities with friends. A simple phone call or text may offer a chance to reconnect with a friend you haven’t seen for a while. Plan a set date on the calendar for dinner out or pick up takeout so you don’t have to stress about childcare arrangements. Parents may find themselves gravitating towards other parents who can relate to their experiences, while non-parent friends may seek connections with individuals who are in similar life stages. This doesn’t mean friendships end, but they may require adjustments and additional effort to maintain. Parenthood can deepen existing friendships or foster new ones. Each of these friendships, whether old or new, creates a feeling of connection and support.
Open and Honest Communication: Addressing Relationship Challenges
Becoming a parent often involves a transition in your role and identity. Individuals may experience a shift in their sense of self, and adjustments are required as partners adapt to their new parental roles. This process can bring about a renegotiation of responsibilities and changes in dynamics within the relationship. The demands of parenting can sometimes also affect the romantic and intimate aspects of a relationship. Physical intimacy may be impacted by fatigue or changes in body image, and finding time for romantic moments may become more challenging. It is important to pour into your relationship and try to make a conscious effort of setting aside time to be able to spend quality one on one time together. Dedicating time to prioritize your relationship may not always be easy, as raising children demands a significant amount of time and energy, leaving you with less availability for one another other. Sleep deprivation, childcare responsibilities, and other parenting tasks can leave partners feeling exhausted and less attentive to their relationship. Nurture understanding and forgiveness in the relationship in these tough moments and seek professional guidance if needed. Effective teamwork, communication, and support between partners are vital for maintaining a healthy relationship while raising children. Sharing responsibilities, offering emotional support, and finding ways to lighten each other’s burdens can strengthen the bond and help navigate the challenges of parenthood.
Maintaining connections beyond parenthood is essential for our emotional and mental well-being. By prioritizing relationships, investing in quality time, nurturing friendships, seeking support, and embracing open communication, parents can navigate the challenges of parenting while sustaining meaningful connections with their partners, friends, and loved ones. Remember, relationships require effort and attention, but the rewards of nurturing those connections extend far beyond the realm of parenting, impacting our lives in immeasurable ways.

The Top 5 Things Parents Should Consider This Summer

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW

 

Summer is officially here which means many parents are beginning to express both excitement and even a little bit of dread for the months ahead! School is out and many families will be juggling all the “summer plans”, or lack thereof. Either way, it’s important to consider how to set your family up for a fulfilling summer. Here are five things to consider to make the most out of the summer months…
Scheduled Family Time- Make it an expectation. Put it on a calendar. Stick to it. Family time is crucial at any time of the year! Things like game nights, movie mornings, a backyard campout, or a monthly themed dinner; consider any lighthearted ways to spend time together as a family. Yes, your teens will likely push back on this idea, but that’s what teens do. Still, make it happen and expect them to be there. They will thank you later!
Get Involved- Have your child involved in at least one productive activity this summer. From a camp to a regularly scheduled day at grandma’s house, having something to do with others is so important for our children’s social-emotional well-being. It’s also important to have your child be a part of the planning process for this. Bring them into the discussion of their summer plans. While you’re at it, share your summer expectations and listen to any hopes/expectations they may have for their summer too.
Stay In Touch- Be aware of your child’s technology usage this summer. App’s like “Net Nanny”, “Bark” and “Canopy” can provide a level of protection to ensure your children (and the people they communicate with!) are safe. Stay in touch with your children by communicating with them as both good and hard things come up over the summer months.
Balance- Encourage a healthy balance of scheduled time vs downtime for your children. Boredom is GOOD! Boredom is becoming a lost emotion that we should consider allowing our children to feel again. However, for some children, if a lack of involvement occurs undesirable behaviors may start to arise. Try to identify this line between boredom and lack of involvement. If behaviors become a problem, schedule an activity for them. It’s all about balance!
Continue / Start Therapy- Whether your child is currently seeing a therapist, recently paused therapy, or never has been, it is a good idea to schedule some consistent sessions over the summer. Despite what some think, summer months are the ideal time to commit to our mental health. With school on break, it allows kids to focus more on self-growth and sets them up for further success when the school year begins again.
West County Behavioral Health wishes you and your family a safe and happy summer!
If you need us, we are here!
314-200-5131

The Dark Side of TikTok: Unraveling Mental Health Misinformation

By Hadley McIntyre, MSW, LMSW

 

In recent years, TikTok has emerged as a global phenomenon, captivating millions of users with its short videos. While the platform offers a space for creativity, entertainment, and connection, it also brings a concerning aspect: the spread of mental health misinformation. As individuals seek guidance and support for their mental well-being, they often encounter a flood of content on TikTok that promotes ambiguous advice, harmful practices, and inaccurate information.
TikTok’s algorithm is designed to tailor content to user’s preferences, often resulting in a groupthink effect. Consequently, users exploring mental health topics may find themselves confronted with a wide range of content, including personal stories, coping mechanisms, and self-help advice. While many creators genuinely strive to share helpful information, the unregulated nature of TikTok allows for the spread of misinformation.
One of the most troubling aspects of mental health misinformation on TikTok is the spread of misleading advice and harmful practices. Some creators, lacking professional expertise, offer unverified remedies for mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or eating disorders. These recommendations can range from dangerous dieting techniques to unproven therapies, potentially exacerbating individuals’ struggles and compromising their well-being.
TikTok’s concise nature often leads to oversimplification of information. Mental health conditions are complex and multifaceted, requiring professional training and personalized approaches. Unfortunately, on TikTok, misinformation can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, stigmatize individuals with mental health challenges, and undermine the importance of seeking professional help.
TikTok’s lax content moderation policies present a significant challenge in combating mental health misinformation. While the platform has made efforts to address harmful content, the sheer volume of videos makes it difficult to identify and remove all misleading information effectively. Additionally, the absence of a system to verify the credentials of mental health influencers further compounds the problem, allowing unqualified individuals to present themselves as experts.
The consequences of mental health misinformation on TikTok can be devastating, particularly for vulnerable users who rely on the platform for guidance. Misleading advice may lead individuals to self-diagnose, dismiss professional help, or experiment with harmful practices. This can further isolate and worsen their mental health, impeding their recovery and increasing the risk of serious consequences.
Addressing mental health misinformation on TikTok requires a collective effort from users, creators, and the platform itself. Users should approach mental health content with skepticism, fact-check information before accepting it as truth, and seek professional guidance when needed. Creators should take responsibility for their influence, ensuring that their content is accurate, evidence-based, and transparent about their qualifications.
TikTok’s immense popularity comes with significant responsibilities. While the platform has undoubtedly fostered a sense of community and creativity, it also serves as a breeding ground for mental health misinformation. Recognizing the dangers of such misinformation is crucial to protect vulnerable users and promote genuine support.

What Parents Should Know About Children and Psychiatric Medication

While pediatricians are an important part of a child’s healthcare team, seeing a psychiatrist for medication management can be crucial for a child’s mental health treatment. Here are some reasons why:
Expertise: Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in mental health. They have extensive training and experience in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions, including those that require medication management. While pediatricians have some training in mental health, their expertise is primarily focused on physical health and development.
Diagnosis: Psychiatric diagnosis can be complex, and accurate diagnosis is key to effective treatment. Psychiatrists have a deep understanding of the various mental health conditions that can affect children and can provide an accurate diagnosis based on a comprehensive evaluation. They can also differentiate between similar symptoms that may be caused by different conditions.
Medication Management: Medication can be an effective treatment for many mental health conditions in children, but it must be carefully managed to ensure safety and effectiveness. Psychiatrists have a deep understanding of the medications used to treat mental health conditions, including their potential side effects, interactions, and appropriate dosages. They can also monitor a child’s response to medication over time and adjust treatment as needed.
Therapy: Psychiatrists can provide clinical guidance well as medication management. Because they understand and specialize in mental health diagnoses, they can help make sure that all of the mental health pieces are being considered and addressed. As such, they can help connect children to a therapist who would be an appropriate match for the specific issues that they are treating, and can then collaborate with this therapist to provide the utmost quality of care.
Overall, while pediatricians are an important part of a child’s healthcare team, they may not have the specialized training and expertise needed to effectively manage a child’s mental health treatment with medication. A child seeing a psychiatrist can benefit from their specialized knowledge and experience in mental health diagnosis and treatment, leading to more effective and safer medication management. At West County Behavioral Health, we have the complete team – therapists and psychiatrists collaborating together – to make sure that your child gets the BEST care possible!!
West County Behavioral Health offers full service medication management for both children and adults.  Please contact our office at 314-200-5119 to schedule and appointment with one of our providers.
Meet Our Medication Management Team
Shelah Radke, MD, JD
Pursuing mental wellness is a sign of strength. As a Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Physician, I have enjoyed celebrating my client’s strengths for the past 10 years, having dedicated my career to working with children, adolescents, and young adults in the field of psychiatric medicine.
  • Double Board-Certified in Psychiatry and Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
  • Graduated from Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine
  • Residency at University Hospitals of Cleveland and Fellowship through Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital in Cleveland, Ohio.
  • Recently served as the Medical Director of Child Crisis Psychiatry Services at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis
  • Provided direct clinical care in two private practice settings in the Washington, D.C, area
  • Worked with clients at Monarch boarding school in Cleveland, Ohio, collaborating with teachers and parents frequently to optimize opportunities for creative learning.
I am committed to using evidence-based practices, including integrative, lifestyle, and pharmacological interventions, to help my patients achieve better mental health outcomes. I also enjoy partnering with clients by using the shared decision-making model of care. I work with clients to understand their unique needs and goals, and together we develop personalized treatment goals that are tailored to their individual needs. This approach empowers patients to take an active role in their own care and can lead to more positive outcomes and greater overall satisfaction with the treatment process.
Jeff Boatman, APRN-MHCNS
I received my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and my Master of Science in Nursing from St. Louis University, specializing in Psychiatric Adult Mental Health Nursing. I have worked for over 25 years as a certified Advanced Practice Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing. While in private practice, I have had a collaborative practice arrangement with Dr. Adam Sky.
I function as an Advanced Psychiatric Practice Nurse with prescriptive authority and have seen patients in hospital, office, and nursing home settings. I serve the adult population, age 25 and up. I am affiliated and have privileges at St. Mary’s Health Center in St. Louis. In addition, I am an active member in the American Psychiatric Nurse’s Association and the APNA Missouri Chapter where I have served on the Board.
I look forward to serving your psychiatric and medication needs with compassion and skill – I want to take the time to truly understand your situation and offer you the tools to feel better and stay well.

Sitting with Grief

Molly Meyerson, MSW, LMSW
Typically, when we think about grief, we think about the loss of a loved one. We think about having to continue living our life without the presence of a person we thought we would never be without. While this type of grief is profound, we can feel grief in other areas of our lives as well. It is important to acknowledge and identify the times in our lives in which we experience grief. However, I want to do more than just acknowledge grief. I want to talk about sitting with grief. I want to talk about allowing ourselves to feel it fully, and how we can create the space in our lives to do so.
We may experience grief when we are navigating major life transitions; where we find ourselves parting ways with versions of ourselves or lives we have lived in order to grow. We may grieve those versions of ourselves we were before experiencing a life-altering event. We may experience grief as a result of making hard decisions, losing a job, or changing careers. In all of these examples, grief is a result of changes we experience. Whether change is planned or unexpected, the grief that accompanies it can feel heavy. Sometimes it can feel debilitating. We may find it difficult to embrace or even accept certain changes.
When grief is present in our lives, a normal reaction can be to avoid it – to distract ourselves from it. To find ways around feeling it when it feels too painful. An unfortunate truth about avoidance is that it does not help our feelings “go away.” We may not realize it at first, but when we avoid our grief, we are avoiding many other things too.
Dr. Brene Brown speaks beautifully about this topic when she says, “you cannot selectively numb emotions.” When we attempt to numb negative emotions, we inadvertently numb the good ones too. Our capacity to feel painful emotions correlates with our capacity to feel joy, love, happiness, etc. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our grief, we often feel stuck, anxious, and unhappy.
So, what does this mean? If grief is unavoidable, and inevitably comes with change, what do we do when waves of grief crash on our shores? How do we ride out the storm when we can’t stop it? We can start by letting ourselves feel it. We can create an environment for ourselves to feel everything we need to feel while grieving. Just as we create space in our lives for happiness, it is important to be intentional when creating an environment to feel our sadness and grief. If we can feel safe while sitting with grief, we facilitate our own healing.
Give yourself permission to slow down. Go on a walk, listen to your favorite music, let yourself cry, practice self-care, and take time out of your days to just be. Lean into social support and loved ones while navigating your grief. Acknowledge the love that still takes up space in your heart for whatever you are grieving. When we honor our grief, we are honoring our love as well. And the most important thing to offer yourself is TIME. There is no way to expedite the grieving process. It will take time, and time will feel incredibly slow. While it feels slow, remember that it is still passing by. And, each day that passes is another day that we have survived. When we find ways to sit with pain and grief, we can be reminded that we have already survived the loss.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can write to remove grief from our lives, and that is not my goal. The purpose of this piece is to remind you that you have every right to sit with your grief for as long as you need. We live in a fast-moving world, but grief is an experience in which fast-paced living will be unproductive and potentially harmful. It is okay to slow down, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to just be while we’re processing these changes and losses.
If grief is something you are sitting with right now, you are not alone. Grief and change are inevitable, but they are only waves in a storm, and eventually, the worst of the storm will pass. If we are willing to experience the grief that comes with change, we can grow into new versions of ourselves, and experience lives yet unknown to us. We owe it to ourselves to feel it all, so we can experience life to the greatest capacity possible.
Whatever life looks like for you right now, if you are experiencing grief, I hope you have the courage to sit with it and honor all of who you are. If you find yourself feeling stuck and unable to move through the grieving process, reach out to a therapist for help. Grief is not something to run from. It is a reminder of how deeply we can love.

Being a Mom is in Fact Not Easy The Journey into Pregnancy and Postpartum

By Mollie Appelbaum, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

 

When a mom gives birth, she is immediately bombarded with inquiries about how the baby is doing. Is the baby happy? Is the baby sleeping? How is the baby eating? Rarely is mom asked how she is doing. Is mom sleeping? Is mom eating? Is mom happy? Without anyone asking or checking in, mom may be struggling in silence. And even if she may occasionally be asked about her well-being, she may feel ashamed to admit that she is feeling anything short of wonderful. We are told that having a baby is supposed to be the best thing to ever happen to us, right? So, what do we do when the feeling of joy we are promised is overshadowed by feeling lost, overwhelmed, anxious or depress
Women are typically informed about the birthing experience, what to expect when expecting, and what a healthy pregnancy looks like. The post-partum period, however, is often glossed over. We may have heard about post-partum depression or anxiety in passing or read about it in a small handout provided to us in our OB’s office, but most of us don’t take the time to become educated on it. Mothers may be afraid to share their struggles – worried they somehow make them a bad mom. They are often left with a myriad of uncertainties. I remember as a first-time mom, scouring the internet for answers on breastfeeding, sleep schedules, and developmental milestones. Attempting to find some answers to those late-night questions spiraling in my head as I rocked my new baby to sleep, I would be met with many women struggling with the same questions. Post after post of women wondering – is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel depressed when my sister seemed so happy when her baby was born? Why am I so anxious about everything all of a sudden?
We don’t discuss the ways moms’ hormones continue to fluctuate drastically after birth, how mothers are hit with the pressure to quickly “bounce back” to pre-pregnancy weight, or how they are expected to get back to work after an eight-week maternity leave. We downplay the impact of sleep deprivation on the body. We don’t tell them that they are likely to experience some anxiety or intrusive thoughts after giving birth. We send them on their way with a brand new human and check in around 6 weeks later. As they navigate this new life, women are often left questioning; “who am I outside of being a mom and how do I find myself again?”
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders can impact anyone during pregnancy or following birth; one in five to seven women and one in ten men report having symptoms of these disorders. Baby blues, although not a clinical diagnosis, can also be incredibly challenging for new mothers. Sixty to eighty percent of new mothers experience these and they can last between two days to two weeks after birth. A multitude of symptoms can present themselves in an individual suffering from perinatal disorders including a depressed mood, loss of interest, inability to cope, lack of connection with the baby, feeling worthless, irritability, and inability to control one’s own thoughts. There are many risks associated with untreated postpartum mood and anxiety disorders including relational problems, exacerbation of medical conditions, child neglect and abuse, infanticide, homicide, suicide, drug use, separation/divorce, and loss of interpersonal resources. If you are struggling with any of these issues, it is imperative that you reach out to an individual trained in the evaluation and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. This individual will have the tools and training to treat the symptoms at hand. They can help gather a clear history, develop a treatment plan with you moving forward, and be a safe space to walk through the journey of motherhood with.
Whether or not you are struggling with postpartum depression or any type of perinatal disorder it is essential that you care for yourself during this time. I have provided some relatively simple strategies that new and expecting mothers can utilize during this challenging time.
Reach Out
Utilize your support group; your mother, your sister, your cousin, your friend, your doctor, or your therapist. Tell them how you are feeling. Ask for help. Let someone make a meal. Allow someone to hold the baby while you get some time to yourself to shower and brush your hair. You are not only taking care of yourself but also providing for another life, which requires you to make yourself a priority. If someone offers to help, and you are in the position to, take the help. Please feel empowered to ask for help when you are struggling. It is not in any way a weakness, in fact, it takes a great deal of strength to do so.
Reconnect
Try your best to make time for the things you enjoy. Whether it is grabbing lunch with friends, hitting the pickleball courts, going out on a date night, or simply picking up the phone to have a long overdue conversation with a friend. Find ways to let your “old life” creep back in and remind you of the foundation of who you are. And most of all, don’t feel guilty. You deserve personal time. Who you were before you became a mother is still who you are. You may have extra responsibilities and a few less hours of sleep, but you are still you. And if you are struggling to find who “you,” is, please be patient. It can take time and a lot of adjusting, but you will get there.
Reset
“Sleep when the baby sleeps,” is often easier said than done. You have fifty things on your to-do list, and one hour to get those fifty things done. And let’s be honest, sleep isn’t always number one on that list when you’re staring at the mountain of laundry from the past few days. But slowing down and resetting is vital to your overall well-being. Give yourself fifteen minutes to sit with a cup of coffee and let your mind rest. Put on your favorite television show or read a book. Whatever it may be that allows you to hit the reset button and more effectively tackle the day ahead, do that. The best thing you can give a child is a healthy parent.
At the end of the day, it is important to remember just that – you cannot be fully present for your new baby and family if you are not prioritizing your own self-care. It is not selfish to focus on yourself when you can and to create time and space for that. It is essential! And remember – if you cannot get in balance and feel yourself struggling, please reach out because support is available!
I believe that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I am dedicated to supporting you and guiding you through those trying times. Navigating life transitions can be complicated and difficult, and one of the most monumental transitions is that of pregnancy and postpartum. I have a particular passion for helping new mothers (and fathers) move through those challenging times. I have gone through extensive training to highlight the need for maternal mental health services and am committed to offering the best care as a Perinatal Mental Health Specialist. I am here to offer a safe space to those experiencing perinatal anxiety and depression, intrusive thoughts, pregnancy loss, and labor and delivery challenges, and to support those who just need help navigating through this journey called motherhood.
In addition to this specialty, I also work with a variety of other issues, including general depression and anxiety, as well as relationship issues. I believe that our relationships with others play a vital role in our functioning, and I enjoy working with others to help strengthen those relationships. I enjoy working with those who are ready to take the next step to develop a healthier relationship with themselves and others (whether that be their significant other, family, or friends). My goal is to help you achieve your goals while uncovering and processing the tough emotions that have been barriers to your happiness.
I use a variety of modalities depending on your needs – including CBT, EFT, and mindfulness. I will be here as a nonjudgmental, supportive clinician, helping you in your personal growth. I look forward to working with you!

 

The Benefits of Boredom

A memory that most of us can recall in vivid detail from our childhood is the excruciating experience of being bored. For many, it may have been our first experience of internal suffering. We would have had to sit with this feeling for some time before we even realized what it was, which would have required an internal examination of our emotions. We had, up until that point, experienced many uncomfortable feelings: hunger, tiredness, sadness, and frustration, but nothing quite like this. In that moment of boredom, we were presented with a seemingly unsolvable problem; one in which we had to ask ourselves “What am I supposed to do here?” It was an experience that forced us to look inward. We had to ask ourselves, “What is it that I truly want?”
We may have gone to our parents to express our discomfort and beg for their help, but likely they would have told us that we have to figure something out on our own. I remember my own mother saying something to the effect of, “Well, sweetheart, that’s really not my problem, is it?” We certainly would have felt a sense of frustration when our parents were unwilling or unable to help, but eventually, we were forced to conclude that only we possessed the power to alleviate this discomfort.
As is true of most suffering, this experience possessed tremendous value. It inspired us to try something new, to pick up a book or an instrument, to explore, to call a friend, to paint, to create. It gave us an opportunity at a very young age to imagine a future with endless possibilities. Only if we had the experience of being bored could we imagine a future in which we were not. Without us realizing it, it helped us begin the process of developing resiliency and self-sufficiency. It also taught us patience, planning, and problem-solving skills along with the ability to delay gratification. We tend to assume that these qualities are in some way innate. That some of us are born more resilient or more patient. That could not be further from the truth. These are learned skills and, as such, they must be taught and practiced. I can think of no experience quite like boredom to help children grow and strengthen these skills.
Unfortunately, today’s children are growing up in a culture in which they quite literally never have to be bored. There are several reasons for this. Many of our kids are astonishingly overscheduled; they go from school to tutors, to practice, to homework, to bed. They rarely have an opportunity to relax and to sit with themselves. During the rare occasion that they do have some unscheduled time, they may have parents who feel that it is their responsibility to constantly be engaging with and entertaining their children. Along with that unreasonable and impossible expectation, children have a multitude of devices and games that will immediately resolve any semblance of the feeling.
If we place a tablet or a phone in the hands of a young child every time they tell us (or show us) that they are bored, we rob them of the opportunity to experience the many opportunities that boredom creates. How many artists, authors, musicians, architects, and designers will miss the opportunity to find their passion because they never had the opportunity to imagine it? The introduction of devices at a young age also begins the unnatural hardwiring of the brain that teaches children to expect immediate gratification in everything that they do. Everything else in their world will seem bland and uninteresting when compared to the type of stimulation that only technology can provide. These devices are constructed with the intention of creating addiction in their users. We need to be aware of this as we consider the appropriateness of handing a young child a phone or tablet.
It is so important that we give our children the opportunities to experience these once naturally occurring experiences. To do this we first must provide children with unstructured time. Resist the urge to fill every minute of their day with productivity and plans. Consider having one day a week or even one evening a week without any structured activities. Also, we must resist the nagging voice in our heads that tells us that we are responsible for always keeping our kids happy. This is one of the most damaging mindsets we can have as parents. It cripples our children’s sense of autonomy and makes them believe falsely that they are not themselves responsible for their well-being. If your child comes to you and says that they are bored, put the responsibility back on them. Ask them what they think they can do in this situation. We can certainly offer them suggestions if they are really struggling, but in the end, it is not really our problem, is it?

Navigating Difficult Conversations

By Taylor Paschal, LMSW

It is easy to look back and remember major stressful situations. This year, particularly, there were so many people feeling anxious or weary of what the months to come might bring. For some of us, the new year also brought hard conversations during parties or family gatherings. We found ourselves walking on eggshells, hoping and praying that controversial topics didn’t arise for fear of what the conversation might have turned into.
As a therapist, I can’t help but notice that theme in our society today – the fear of hard conversations. Why do we fear the opportunity to engage with an individual that has a different point of view from our own? Is it because we fear being wrong or looking uninformed? Maybe it’s the desire to avoid confrontation and what the aftermath could be for the relationship. Or maybe we see the ugliness that comes out of such discussions online, and we’d just rather avoid them in person. Regardless of why it’s worth exploring why we leave difficult topics left unsaid.
In therapy, effective communication is often a theme of sessions. Focusing on strategies for improving conflict resolution or navigating challenging interactions are pivotal. For example, it’s challenging to learn to listen with the purpose of understanding rather than to reply. Allowing someone to feel heard, even when disagreements occur, will often prevent the interaction from becoming negative. Effective listening can go a long way when attempting to soften a challenging interaction. Listening helps us stay in the moment and regulate our emotions when we’re navigating conflict.
In addition to listening, it can be extremely helpful to pay attention to our nonverbal cues when communicating. Often, our nonverbals speak louder than the words themselves. Nonverbal communication includes physical behavior, expressions, and the mannerisms utilized when communicating. To be fair, these are often done instinctively rather than consciously, but nonetheless, play a large role in the success of the conversation. Taking the time to invest in developing awareness of body language and tone of voice can have a profound impact on how we communicate.
Using myself as an example, the ability to regulate and control my body language directly impacts the effectiveness of the therapy I provide to clients. In most cases, when an individual’s emotion takes over the conversation, the interaction can quickly feel very personal. When an individual is vulnerable by sharing something personal, they could be hypersensitive to the reaction. Thus, during times of high emotions or sensitivity with clients, I utilize mindfulness to be aware of what my nonverbals may be saying. A few ways this is done is through a calm soothing tone, providing caring gestures, maintaining eye contact, and controlling the level of my voice.
In our culture today, communication seems to become a battle easily. But there is a way to disagree respectfully. So often, we feel the need to continue arguing over a difference of opinion. It can be challenging, but intentionally viewing the conversation as an exchange of ideas can be helpful. Focusing on the good, avoiding it becoming personal, and eliminating the word “but” can be helpful when trying to disagree respectfully. Staying calm and regulating emotions allows both parties to feel comfortable expressing themselves effectively in challenging situations. Ultimately though, at some point, the time comes to just move on. It is ok to leave our argument on the table and decide to take the interaction in a more positive direction or walk away. The option of agreeing to disagree to achieve a resolution is always available to us.
Effective communication, especially when it comes to conflict resolution, is quite an art. Developing more effective communication skills does take intentionality, but doesn’t have to be strenuous. Learning how to communicate more effectively allows for self-expression that benefits various aspects of an individual’s life. Think about all of our personal and professional relationships which could be improved through stronger, more mindful communication skills. Maybe, next holiday season won’t be so scary.

Creating the New Normal: Navigating the Holiday Season in Separate Houses

By Jennifer Webbe VanLuven, MSW, LCSW, CDM

 

Adults and stress go hand in hand during the holiday season. There is so much to do. Family to be seen, school holiday programs, gifts to be bought and wrapped, and special celebrations such as Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year. When parenting from two households, the stress can feel insurmountable.
You may also discover this time of year stirs up a lot of different feelings for your children. If this is their first holiday season following your separation or divorce, keep in mind the change in the family may hit them very hard. While you can’t take away the pain your children feel, how you spend the first holiday after a separation or divorce can really impact children’s perception about family change.
Too often, parents get caught up in issues like who is buying what or dividing up the holidays. One of the best things you can do for your kids is use this time to rebuild a sense of family. Create new traditions and events in each household. Kids need to know that life will go on and they’re going to be okay. While your child’s perceived loss of ‘family’ may hit them very hard during this time of year, there are ways you can help your children manage the experience in a healthy way.
Keep your emotions in place. Children take emotional cues from their parents. The holidays will be hard on parents, but they need to realize that it is doubled for the children. If you as parents need a little extra emotional support, don’t be afraid to call in the troops and take time to care for your emotions.
Silence isn’t always the best way to go. Be sure to talk to your children about the new plans for the holidays. Kids like to know what is going to happen and prepare their own minds and feelings. Talk to them about what will be different and what will stay the same. Avoiding this conversation, keeps kids on edge and guessing what the holiday will look like.
Focus on creating meaning. Focus on cutting back and on the true meaning of the holiday. Find an activity that will promote a deeper meaning for the holiday. Adopt a family or volunteer at a shelter. This will make new memories and place the focus on something other than old traditions.
Let your stress guide you. Newly separated parents often ask if they should spend the holiday together. This is a good idea in theory but eventually, parents move into new relationships and the “new normal” is only delayed. This can cause even more stress on parents and children are quick to pick up these cues. Start your new tradition as soon as possible and reduce the parental conflict from the beginning.
Different isn’t devastating. As parents, we need to ask ourselves which traditions are worth hanging on to and which can be replaced. We don’t have to recreate the whole holiday. Maybe think of one new thing that you can do as a family.
Make gift-giving painless for the kids. Children love to participate and give gifts. No matter how you feel about your ex, do not allow your child to arrive empty-handed. It is not about “you” giving a gift, it’s about your children giving a gift. Not only is this a reminder about the joy of giving, it strengthens a child’s sense of security.
Do not give gifts with strings. Do your best to coordinate gift-giving with the child’s other parent. If that is not possible, think before you buy. If you are hesitant about the child taking this gift to the other parent’s home, then don’t buy it. If a child cannot decide where the gift will go, then it’s not really a gift.
Creating the new normal is difficult. The difficulty is not only for the children but for parents as well. This list is not complete, there are many other ways to create happy holidays for your children and yourself. Take time to do a frequent status check with yourself. Knowing where your emotions lie is imperative in keeping children feeling safe and happy.

Mental Healthy Holiday

By David Stewart, PLMFT, CPT, HLC

 

I don’t know about you, but my family doesn’t look like a Hallmark movie around the holidays. How great would that be? Maybe a little cheesy and cliché for some, but you have to admit, it would be nice to just have everything work out and come together in the most magical of ways, all wrapped up with a perfect shiny bow. And while our inner child still dares to dream of “the perfect holiday season”, the adult version of us needs to get through holiday traffic, decorate the house, figure out finances for this expensive time of year, do laundry, go to work, run a household, etc. After all of these expectations are met, some of us might manage to squeeze in twenty minutes of peace without being constantly bombarded. Buckle up! The holidays are here!
Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of joy that comes around this time of year. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, this is the one time of year that people show a little more love and understanding than they normally would (unless you’re standing behind The Grinch in the Target check-out line). Even with the overwhelming list of tasks, you must complete, there will still be enough room this holiday season to welcome a little gratitude. It’s difficult to believe that we can feel grateful when we are so busy and daily life is moving at the speed of light. But maybe that is exactly what we need – to slow down a bit and remember why we are doing any of this in the first place.
This is a time of year to put your problems aside for a moment and embrace those you love. Don’t worry if you’re very attached to your problems, I promise they will still be there waiting for you in January. In the meantime, maybe the focus this holiday season doesn’t have to be how difficult life can feel at times. Maybe this holiday season, the focus can be on the things that are working well for us in our lives. Maybe it can be about noticing the smile that your kiddo is giving you, and how safe and secure they feel being in your presence. Or maybe it’s allowing yourself to enjoy the feeling of being snuggled up in a warm house on a cold winter night. Or maybe even, after everything you have been navigating this year, realizing that you are still standing and are going to come out on the other side – even better and stronger than you were before. Wherever you choose to find gratitude this holiday season, and whatever you are experiencing or have been through this year, I hope you allow yourself to keep your heart open and show yourself some kindness and compassion.
I’ve put together a little holiday guide for you that will help make things run a little smoother. If it speaks to you, then try it out!
Tips for a Mental Healthy Holiday:
1. Practice gratitude. Sometimes it feels like our situation is overwhelming, but when we take a step back from ourselves and reflect on why we celebrate the holidays in the first place, we can see a larger perspective and gratitude replaces that overwhelming feeling.
2. Create small moments of time for yourself over the holidays. Do things during this time that bring you joy such as reading, yoga, outdoor activities, and games.
3. Eliminate the Grinch’s from your environment.
4. Minimize or eliminate alcohol consumption.
5. Set boundaries around family events (example: DON’T talk about politics).
6. Create new traditions that speak to your values.
7. Be present and intentional – it will allow you to be more engaged and thoughtful with yourself and others.
8. Go for a walk or exercise before a big family event.
9. If you are hosting family, stay organized with preparation (If you are organized, there will be less stress on you the day of the event).
10. The holidays can be painful for those of us who have lost loved ones or are simply going through a difficult time. If this speaks to you, allow yourself whatever time you need to experience the pain, then make a conscious decision to move through it. This will allow you to grieve for your loved ones without letting the pain take your emotions hostage over the holidays.

Add Grief to Your Holiday Guest List

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW

 

The past two years, right around October, I have attended funerals for family members of close friends. As we somberly drove away from one of these services, I remember telling my husband that we need to check in on this friend around the holidays. Holidays can be hard in the best of times, but doubly so when we are in grief.
Our hope and intention, of course, is always for the holiday season to be a time of celebration and happiness. We may go through the unavoidable moments of stress, but all in hope and preparation to gather together with loved ones and experience the “Joy of Christmas.” Unfortunately, for some who are grieving, joy may not be at the forefront of their holiday plans. There are a lot of “firsts” during the grief process that can bring up difficult emotions for someone who has experienced loss – and first holidays without a loved one can be among the most difficult.
Especially around the holidays, it’s kind to be aware of how grief might be impacting those around us. To do this, we first recognize that people grieve for all kinds of reasons and in many different ways. Some common causes of grief include the death of a loved one, a loss or change in job, divorce or marital separation, fertility struggles, the ending of a friendship, a new medical diagnosis, the loss of a pet, and military deployment. What can we do to support those grieving this holiday season?
Invite them AND their grief to your holiday party ~
If you invite someone who is grieving to your holiday event, you must also be open to welcoming their grief. This means accepting them and their emotions exactly where they’re at. You may even consider reaching out to them individually to let them know that if their grief shows up, it is a welcomed guest.
Don’t overcompensate, Don’t avoid ~
It can be easy to want to help the grieving person be happy. We may consider having an overly cheerful demeanor while ignoring their grief, which is sometimes termed toxic positivity. Many of us are uncomfortable addressing hard emotions; it’s easy to avoid saying anything at all about the loss to a grieving person. The most helpful response is one in the middle of these two extremes – don’t avoid the loss entirely, but also don’t try to push happiness onto the grieving person. Simple acknowledgment can sometimes be the best choice: “I am so glad you’ve joined us, I know that right now is a sad time for you and your family.” Recognize your own feelings about grief and how you may need to adjust to best support your grieving person.
Allow hard conversations ~
Be open to asking how people are doing. Be just as open to their honest response, especially if it isn’t a “happy” one. Consider acknowledging the name of the loss and recognize the importance of it to your grieving person. For example, “Your mom always made the best Christmas cookies. I’ve been thinking about her and you a lot lately. Would you like to come over sometime soon and make cookies together in honor of her?”
Pay Attention ~
Look for the less obvious signs of grief, which might include body language or avoidance of social interactions. When someone is sitting quietly alone, standing to the side with their arms crossed, or seems withdrawn at a gathering, consider engaging in conversation with them. If a grieving person declines attending a social event, you may consider asking them to spend time one on one in a more laid-back setting. Pay attention to how your grieving person is behaving. Check-in on those who you know have experienced a loss and offer support when possible.
At the end of the day, the most important thing to do is allow a grieving person space to come as they are. Using these strategies can help us prepare for all guests to feel emotionally safe and supported. Adding grief to your guest list might be the best gift you can give a grieving person this year.

Regaining Our Personal Power

By Hadley McIntyre, MSW, LMSW

 

It is the easiest thing in the world to allow those around us to take power over our decisions, our actions, and our sense of self. We do it all the time. It may look like letting your friend’s criticism cause you to lose confidence in yourself, or maybe by falling victim to a guilt trip even when you know you have not done anything wrong. It might even be as simple as letting a coworker’s bad mood ruin your day. There are likely a number of people in your lives who take your energy, your time, and your resources without thinking twice about it. Sometimes, when we give up our power it is extremely obvious, other times it is subtle, and we have no idea that it even happened.
Power can be construed as a negative word in our society. It is often thought of as using intimidation or force to get what one wants. But the power I am referring to in this article is personal power – the power to make decisions for ourselves simply because it is what is best for us, to feel how we feel without feeling bad about it, and to at times meet our own needs over the needs of others. How can we do this? Here are some tips to get started down the path of regaining your personal power:
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in regaining and keeping one’s power. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard is the following – “No is a complete sentence”. We can say “no” to whatever is asked of us if we feel that it is the right answer. It does not matter if the person we are saying “no” to does not like the answer.
Recognize that you are not responsible for others’ emotions
The only emotions we are responsible for are our own. We cannot take responsibility for how others feel, and we cannot feel guilty when our boundaries make others in our lives upset.
Speak up when someone hurts you
Every time we remain silent when someone mistreats us, we hand that person our power and permission to do it again.
Identify your values and live by those values unapologetically
Values can be simply defined as the things in your life that are valuable. Everyone’s values will look different. It is our responsibility to clearly define what our values are and to live a life that is in line with them.
Stop trying to prove others wrong
Do what you do because you love to do it, and because it’s what’s right for you. When we make choices in life or follow a certain path in an attempt to prove others wrong, we give away our power.
Recognize that your self-worth is not determined by how others feel about you
This piece of advice may be the hardest for me to follow. It is so easy for all of us to determine our self-worth based on how many likes we get on Instagram or views on our latest TikTok. At its best, our self-worth should come from within. Do your best to not allow the opinions of others to impact your self-worth.
STOP carrying resentment
Resentment only affects the person carrying it. The person you are resenting probably doesn’t even know it, and if they do, they probably don’t care. Holding onto resentment is like swallowing rat poison with the expectation that it is going to kill the rat.
Own your emotions
Your emotions matter. They are essential and should be your top priority. There are no invalid emotions. Own your emotions and don’t be afraid to share them with the world.
Only you can make yourself happy. Start the journey to regaining your personal power. The journey won’t be easy, but it will be beyond worth it. My hope for you is that once you have taken ownership of that personal power back, you will utilize it. Use that power to create a life that feeds your soul and brings pure joy. Personal power isn’t meant to control anyone. There is only one goal in reclaiming your personal power – being your authentic self.

When Life Throws Us a Curveball: Redefining Ourselves through Difficult Life Transitions

By Katelyn Siebert, MSW, LCSW
There are times in every person’s life where we are faced with transitioning into a new phase of our journey.  For some, these are planned or natural transitions such as school, marriage, children, career advancements, etc. However, there are also many times when we are forced to face unforeseen, unplanned, and often difficult, life changes.  These trying times are typically the moments that challenge us both physically and mentally, requiring us to grow and redefine ourselves in previously unimagined ways.
While natural life transitions are typically manageable, these unexpected changes can cause tremendous amounts of stress, anxiety, and fear.  What do we do when we are faced with having to make life decisions, we may not feel we have adequate answers to? How do we cope with the stresses these transitions bring?  How do we not lose ourselves as we grow in these experiences?  Simply put, how do we move forward?
There may not always be an easy answer to these questions, but the concepts below are a good place to start.
Identify a Support System – During difficult times, it is essential to know who we can count on to support physical and emotional needs as they arise. Connect with those supports often and directly communicate the desire to be there for one another through these transitions.
Become Informed – Many times during life changes, we will be asked to face the unfamiliar.  It is important to become informed and well-educated on options and facts regarding the situation at hand.
Ask for Help – Whether it be a trusted friend or family member within your identified support system or a trained professional, recognize the importance of asking for help. Know that you are not alone on this journey and there is always someone who can walk with you if you are willing to let them.  Asking for help is never a sign of weakness; it is always a sign of strength.
Make Time for Yourself – If you have been placed in a position where you are now taking on a new role in life, it is so important to keep the things that make you feel like yourself in your daily routine.  Make time for yourself and the things that bring you joy. In high-stress times, we should be purposeful in prioritizing our needs as individuals. When redefining ourselves we must always find ways to keep who we are at our core alive and well.
Allow Yourself Space to Grow – Full transitions don’t often happen overnight. There is a process of learning, changing, and growing.  Be kind to yourself during this process.  Allow yourself time to shift gears and figure things out.  If you must make a difficult decision quickly, remember that many changes can be temporary if needed.  Do the best you can and give yourself intentional grace during these times.
Know It’s Okay to Not Feel Okay Sometimes – As a society, it often seems frowned upon to be open and honest that one is struggling.  There may not be a better time to break that stigma.  A large number of people are really struggling right now, in one capacity or another.  Have empathy for others and yourself.
Get Help for Depression or Anxiety – While it’s normal and okay to feel down sometimes, it is also important to recognize if you are having increased feelings of “not being okay” or if you have been experiencing negative or harmful thoughts for extended periods of time.  Take this as a sign and opportunity to reach out for help from your doctor or mental health professional.
Seek Hope – When we are thrown into the unknown, there is so much uncertainty. Many times this can become incredibly overwhelming and cause us to lack hope for the future. In these moments it’s important to seek hope. Find things that you can look forward to. Create goals for your future, things you want to do or accomplish. Intently look for positives throughout your day.  It may be as simple as acknowledging the sun is shining, but over time finding these small glimpses of hope and joy will wire your brain to more optimistic ways of thinking.
Consider “Kintsugi” as a Metaphor for Transition- Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with melted gold. The concept is built on the idea that, in embracing flaws and imperfections, we can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.
While the past several years, for many, have been years of uncertainty, fear, grief, and change, we must remember that this has also been a time where we gained strength and resilience.  It has set us up to be much more equipped to work through any challenging transitions we may face in years to come. We may at times still feel broken, but, just like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, we are allowed to use our brokenness to create something new that has meaning. Together we can choose to see the beauty in the broken.  We can lean on one another to be the golden glue when we feel disconnected. Dare we suggest that this could even be the silver lining in redefining ourselves during difficult life transitions?
This idea that we are asked to keep all the pieces of ourselves and shift them into something new is a unique request.  It is often a difficult task, but the opportunity to mold ourselves into someone that has grown in strength and resilience is a very powerful thing. With the new year comes a renewed understanding that we are still beautifully crafted individuals.  We can find peace in knowing that we are capable of facing the curveballs life will throw our way and we can find hope in believing we are worthy, more than ever, of the promises our future holds.

Divorce and the Sense of Personal Identity

By Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CM

When you think of “trauma” you may imagine Big Trauma experiences: serious accidents, natural disasters, assault, or life-threatening illnesses. These kinds of events obviously and in a very public way transform the foundation of who you are and how you live. Other incidents can feel equally traumatic and life-changing. Divorce is one of them.
When the life and world you have built falls apart due to a divorce or separation, whether amicable or not, the way you see the world and your place in it changes. Accepting and evolving into a new person can feel distressing and painful as you give up a portion of your lifestyle, home, family, financial security, love, and dreams. To manage the shock of the change, you might find yourself letting go of activities you once enjoyed and implementing coping mechanisms geared toward reducing emotional pain, fear of the future, and the sense of loneliness and uncertainty that takes up space in your head. In fact, coping after divorce may have taught you to live with thoughts of being “less than.”
The main factor in how you define yourself is the context in which you understand where and how you belong. Your identity will change during and after divorce because your understanding of who you are and the world in which you live has dramatically altered. Losing a sense of safety, control, and certainty shifts you into a feeling of vulnerability. You may see yourself today as someone robbed of innocence, trust, love, well-being, and the feeling of being able to protect yourself. You may deeply feel that you are undesirable, physically damaged, emotionally or psychologically disfigured. This new self-definition impacts how you see the world, think about yourself and others, and make choices and take actions. If that’s the case, then it’s time for an identity makeover.
When considering how you can create a new, post-divorce identity, it helps to understand the characteristics of identity in general.  Identity relates to the idea of who you are and what defines you as a person in this world. Identity is how you describe yourself and the characteristics that make you unique. Identity development can change in a moment as you experience the divorce process and divorce becomes the lens through which you and others view yourself and the world around you. Your only choice at this point is to continue to move forward, make new choices about the direction you wish to move and create a post-divorce self that combines all of your best features and attributes.
Though your current identity may seem diminished, another part of you sees the bigger picture. This is the part of yourself that inspires and motivates you to move toward (re)claiming a more positive, solid, stable, and proactive sense of self. While your “less than” self may dictate who you are today, your “more than” self gains ground every time you work toward restoring yourself. It is your “more than” self that forms the basis of who you will become when you continue to create your new identity.
It is impossible to go back to who you were previously as a wife or husband. Right now decide: “I will stop looking back.” Though this process may feel uncomfortable, being forward-thinking works to your advantage.
Your personal identity develops according to your perception of the experience. You are an individual and your perspective of the world is your own; what feels traumatizing to you may not feel that way to someone else. Likewise, what feels traumatic to someone else may seem trivial to you. If perception plays a key role in trauma, then it can also play a key role after trauma. While it doesn’t feel this way at first, how you perceive yourself becomes a choice. Who you are during and after divorce is… Who you decide you are.

 

OVERWHELMED! MAINTAINING BALANCE AND CONNECTION IN A BUSY FAMILY

By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW
It starts with the best of intentions. Your daughter expresses an interest in playing soccer, so you sign her up at 4 years old. You want to make sure she starts early, so she doesn’t get left behind. Pretty soon, you sign her up for Girl Scouts. It’s a wholesome activity that builds character, right? Next, you enroll her in piano lessons – you think that you should expose her to an instrument as you want to make sure that she’s well-rounded. As time goes by and her friends start different activities, you want to give her those same opportunities… so you let her join the softball team. Then she wants to try basketball, so you let her do that too. Before long, you realize that if she is going to have any chance of playing soccer long term, she had better get on a select club team to be challenged and get good coaching. You soon realize that a club team is a big commitment – it is year-round, they practice twice a week and have tournaments every weekend – but you feel it is worth it because you want her to be able to play in high school, at the very least. You don’t mind letting her do a few clubs after school also, because you want to keep her occupied after school (we all know what happens to kids with too much free time!), and besides, it will look good on a college application. One day you wake up and look at your calendar and feel paralyzed: she has basketball and drama club on Mondays, soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, piano and Girl Scouts on Wednesdays, yearbook club on Fridays, and tournaments every weekend, some out of town. This doesn’t even count homework or school projects. And, this is only one child……
Today’s youth are stressed as never before. Academically, our children have shorter summers, fewer free periods, tougher grading standards, and are taking more college-level classes in high school, etc. Athletically, kids are encouraged to be on competitive travel teams that run year round (vs. just seasonally), specialize at young ages, have games at 10 pm some nights, etc. Socially, there is pressure to be available at all times – the constant buzz of cell phones, interruptions from texts at all hours of the night, etc. sets up an expectation that our children should always be responding to texts and participating on social media. It is very easy for both kids, and parents to feel completely overwhelmed and out of balance.
We ask ourselves – how did we get here? There are a few societal reasons that have combined to create this insidious phenomenon. First of all, we have been inundated with the message that the world is a dangerous place for kids these days. This has inspired a knee-jerk reaction to make sure kids are involved in structured activities instead of just letting them have free play time after school. While these fears are well founded in some areas, this has extended into many areas where crime is rare or nonexistent. In addition, we have also learned to be fearful that our children will miss out or be left behind. This fuels, early, intense involvement in activities, as many parents fear that if they delay starting a sport or a musical instrument that their child may never be able to compete. On top of all of this, because we have heard the message that colleges are looking for “well-rounded” applicants, we can fall into the trap of thinking the busier our children are, the better job we are doing as parents. Overall, there is just a general increased pressure on our children to achieve – from knowing their alphabet and colors before school, to being expected to be on the select teams at a young age, to worrying about what colleges will accept them (far earlier than is necessary) – our youth are very driven by their achievements and resume of activities.
No doubt, most parents usually just want what seems best for their kids. Even when intentions are good, though, kids can easily become overscheduled. The pressure to participate in a handful of activities all the time and to “keep up” can be physically and emotionally exhausting for parents and kids alike, and can leave us all feeling disconnected.
Sooner or later, kids who are too busy will begin to show signs. Every child is different, but overscheduled kids may exhibit these red flags:
  • feel tired, anxious, or depressed
  • complain of headaches and stomachaches, which may be due to stress, missed meals, or lack of sleep
  • fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
  • want to drop out of previously enjoyed activities
  • difficulty making, keeping or enjoying the company of their friends
  • a reluctance or refusal to go to school or get out of bed
  • self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide
It is important to pay attention, as the effects of being out of balance can be far-reaching and impact all of us. Individually, we are more prone to both mental and physical illness when we are stressed and overwhelmed. Our cortisol levels increase – which physically shrinks the hippocampus, one of the memory centers of the brain. Cortisol affects our white blood cell functioning, and we end up sicker more often. Elevated cortisol also negatively impacts serotonin (a brain chemical key to depression and anxiety). We end up with tired, irritable kids who aren’t learning as easily and who are more and more dependent upon us because they are not able to successfully manage their own lives independently.
Family life also can suffer — when one parent is driving to basketball practice and the other is carpooling to dance class, meals are missed. As a result, some families rarely eat dinner together, and may not take the extra time to stay connected. Plus, the weekly grind of driving kids all over the place and getting to one class, game, or practice after another can be downright tiresome and stressful for parents. This can all impact the connection between kids and parents, and between couples as well. We can easily end up feeling very disconnected from one another… this can lead to poor communication, being out of touch with kids’ lives, and marital struggles.
SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS TO MAINTAIN BALANCE:
  • Agree on ground rules ahead of time. For instance, plan on kids playing one sport per season or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week. This may make for some difficult choices, but this is one way to keep a balance.
  • Know how much time is required before committing to an activity. For example, will there be time to practice between lessons? Does your child realize that soccer practice is twice a week, right after school until dinnertime? Then there’s the weekly game to consider, too. Is travel involved? Be very clear about expectations as you make decisions to join a new team, musical, or activity.
  • Keep a calendar to stay organized. Display it on the refrigerator or other prominent spot so that everybody can stay up-to-date. And if you find an empty space on the calendar, leave it alone!
  • Create structured family time. If you’re eating fast food on the run every night, plan a few dinners when everyone can be home at the same time, even if it means eating a little later. Numerous studies have shown that families who eat dinner together report stronger relationships and better grades. According to a study by the National Center on Addiction and Abuse at Columbia University, kids and teens who eat dinner with their families at least five times a week have a much lower risk of substance abuse. Schedule family fun time, too, whether it’s playing a board game or going on a bike ride or hike. We can easily forget or underestimate the importance of family connection in protecting our children.
  • Take charge of technology! Set up a central family charging station so that our children can turn in technology each night. This helps kids set a boundary with their peers – for example, no phones after 9 pm. In addition, it keeps kids from being disturbed in the night, and also helps prevent them from making poor choices online late at night.
  • Try to carpool with other parents to make life easier, and to free up more time for our other children, spouse, and/or ourselves. When you do end up driving, turn off the radio and use the time to TALK. Kids frequently open up while you are driving and they aren’t looking at you….it can be a surprisingly good time to connect.
  • Build in time to do things for yourself. It is important to make some time for ourselves – whether we make time to read, take a walk, chat with a friend, or whatever, we need to do this so we don’t get too burned out.
  • Help your children set priorities. If kids start struggling academically, they may need to drop an activity. Or, consider avoiding some AP classes if students can’t keep up at that pace. But while school is a priority, remember to not let the focus be all about academic achievement. We need to have talks with our kids about finding a balance – let them make choices about where to put their energy. Let them know that taking care of themselves (having some free time, being involved in some other activities) is at least as important as making that 4.0 that they are striving for. So many young people are obsessed with having straight A’s that they start developing anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. Help your children see that having balance and stable mental health is important for the big picture of their lives, and that they are valued for who they are, not what they achieve. Assure them that their performance does not define them!
  • Know when to say no. If your child is already doing a lot but really wants to take on another activity, discuss what other activity or activities need to be dropped to make room for the new one. And don’t be afraid to set boundaries to protect your family time! It is perfectly ok to say no to a practice or game when you want to protect your family time (ie. traditional family activities around holiday times, weekends to the lake, family gatherings, etc.). Let children see that it is acceptable to make family connections a priority!
Essentially, it comes down to realizing that it is our job, as parents, to protect our children and families. We need to be brave enough to set boundaries and take the lead on this. While this is a cultural struggle, it is up to us as individuals to start drawing the lines and take back our families. We can’t expect change unless it begins at home. We need to give our children the message that they are not defined by their achievements, as society is telling them that they very much are. And, while many of us are fearful that if we miss games or don’t feed into societal expectations our children will pay the price, it could be argued that the price our kids pay is much greater if we do nothing. Our children need us, they need their families. Let’s show them that we will make that a priority.

The Business of Play: Youth Sports in America

By Tony Tramelli, LPC
The culture of youth sports in America has changed dramatically over the past decade. Not too long ago youth sports were for the most part community-based organizations which did their best to give every child the opportunity to be part of a team, to get some much-needed physical activity, and to learn the many valuable skills that come with competition. In the past ten years or so we have seen youth sports move away from this model and develop into a $17 billion industry, which makes it larger than the business of professional baseball and the same size as the NFL.
This financial boom has occurred not with the increase in participation but with a significant decrease in children’s participation in sports. Going back to 2008, regular participation in youth sports is down in almost every category. One would think that the decline in youth sports is a result of the sedentary, technology-dominated lives of young people. Children are certainly prioritizing screens overplay, but this is not the primary driver for the decrease in participation. To explain this phenomenon, we have to look at income inequality.
Among wealthier families, youth participation is rising, and among the poorest households, it is trending significantly downward. According to a report from TD Ameritrade most American families whose children are involved in sports spend about $500 a month for each child to play, about twenty percent spend $1000, and roughly ten percent spend upwards of $2000 a month. These costs have made it impossible for thousands of children to participate in sports. There are also many cases in which families, who are struggling financially, to go into debt or make other financial sacrifices with the dream of their investment paying off down the road in the form of college scholarships or even professional careers. The fact is however that youth sports are a seriously flawed investment. Only two percent of high school athletes are awarded financial scholarships and only two percent of college athletes go on to professional careers.
Even with these dire statistics, we have seen an explosion in the pay-to-play travel team model of youth sports. Expensive travel leagues take talented young athletes from well-off families, leaving behind local leagues with fewer players, fewer involved parents, and fewer resources. When kids move from community teams to elite travel teams, it sends the message to the kids that didn’t make the team or whose family couldn’t afford it, that they don’t have a place in sports. The American system of youth sports, serving only a select few, at the expense of so many, has destroyed an institution that once prided itself on the values of participation, teamwork, character development, and physical exercise. Youth sports has become, like so many institutions in this country, a business.
The lack of access to youth sports for so many kids is only one of many consequences of this culture around sports. We also must look at how this culture is affecting the athletes and families who do have the opportunity to be part of these teams. Because parents are investing so much financially with the rare chance of a future payout, naturally more pressure is put on the athlete to perform. Kids are experiencing a tremendous amount of pressure and expectations from parents, coaches, and peers alike. At the heart of this pressure is a fear of failure; if they don’t perform well, they fear that something bad will happen to them (even if this is objectively untrue).
Based on the research of thousands of young athletes participating in elite sports the most common causes of fear include;
– Disappointing their parents
– Being rejected by peers
– The end of their sports dreams
– That it will all have been a waste of time
– Failure in sports means the child is a failure
These beliefs produce;
– Negativity, worry, doubt
– Fear, anxiety, stress
– Muscle tension, increased heart rate, adrenaline pumps
– Self-sabotage and avoidance behaviors
These beliefs and fears are why so many children are dropping out of sports by their early teens. About seventy percent of kids are giving up organized sports by the time they reach high school.
Kids are also experiencing pressure to play a certain sport and even a certain position within the sport based on the probability that it will land them a college scholarship. More and more kids are becoming single-sport athletes, playing their select sport all year round, which leads to physical deterioration and burnout. The irony in this is that most college recruiters are looking for athletes who play multiple sports throughout the year. Some kids are even being told to ignore defense in favor of scoring because it is easier to get recognized that way.
With all of this pressure being put on these children, one would think that success at a young age is a valid predictor of future success, but this simply is not the case. Unless a child is one of the rarest prodigies in their sport, results at a young age do not predict later success. What matters in youth sports in regard to future success in sports are not the results, but rather the passion and willingness to work hard to improve one’s skills, developing the resiliency necessary to manage loss and failure, and to develop physically and technically.
We also see family systems affected due to the current culture of youth sports. For many families, life revolves around the team; practices, games, private coaching, out-of-town tournaments, fundraisers, etc. The extent to which and how families are affected by this of course depends on the family, but for many, no time is left for anything but the sport. This leaves families without opportunities for family dinners, vacations, downtime, and social lives outside of the team. We also know of many families in which resources or talent allows only for specific children to participate in sports. This leaves the other child or children to feel left out and less than.
Youth sports could and should be a powerful and healthy developmental opportunity for children. In a healthy sports culture, children develop resiliency, commitment, teamwork, sportsmanship, and have an opportunity to get some much-needed physical activity. We, as parents of young athletes, need to do a better job of encouraging this type of culture. We do this by changing our family’s culture around sports. We do it by reminding ourselves why we have our kids in sports in the first place and by removing our focus from the results and putting it on the effort that our kids display. We do it by making sure that all children have the opportunity to participate no matter what their skill level or family’s financial situation may be.