After an EMDR therapy session, a client turned to me and said, “Time to go back out there and pretend to be normal like everyone else.” Without thinking, I replied, “Yep, and then they’ll come here for their own few minutes of safety before going back out to fool you, too.” We both laughed—an easy moment in a therapeutic relationship built on honesty. But we both knew there was truth beneath the humor.
As I packed up my EMDR equipment, preparing the space for the next person seeking safety, I dropped my folder of session worksheets. They scattered across the floor, each one containing only a few words to label the stories clients had shared: “abuse,” “accident,” “cancer,” “divorce,” and, sometimes, more cryptic entries like “the dance,” “Christmas wreath,” or “car ride.” No names, just triggers—a shorthand for experiences that had marked their lives. While each story varied in detail, one theme was consistent: the powerful, lasting emotions that stemmed from these events.
Trauma is not simply what happens to us; it’s how we perceive what has happened, how we interpret its meaning, and how it shapes our sense of self. Trauma reflects what we’ve learned about our place in the world.
Clinical Trauma and Its Impact
Clinical trauma isn’t about the specific events or experiences we went through; it’s about how our brain and body responded to those experiences. Trauma is often thought of as something that happened, but what didn’t happen can be just as impactful—particularly in childhood. Trauma can be triggered by overt causes, such as domestic violence, divorce, loss of a loved one, abuse, or deprivation of basic needs. But it can also stem from covert causes, which are more subtle yet equally powerful: a lack of affection, inconsistent boundaries, frequent moves, emotional instability in the home, or an environment filled with shame or guilt.
As trauma survivors, part of our coping mechanisms often include minimizing or downplaying what we went through. We might think, “Others have gone through worse,” “They didn’t mean to hurt me,” or “I just need to get over it.” Sometimes, acknowledging trauma can feel disloyal, especially if those who failed to meet our needs are people we love: “They did the best they could,” “They were better than their parents,” or “They loved me in their own way.” But these rationalizations can be damaging, obscuring the effects of attachment trauma and making it harder to understand why we struggle in adult relationships. Without an obvious cause, we may even start to believe that we are the problem—that we’re somehow flawed or broken.
Healing Trauma and EMDR Therapy
Healing from trauma involves recognizing that two truths can coexist: The people who raised me cared for me, and my needs weren’t fully met. Acknowledging this reality allows us to nurture ourselves in ways we may have missed, change our self-perception, and reduce our reactivity to perceived emotional threats.
A powerful approach to trauma healing is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR is a specialized therapeutic process that activates both hemispheres of the brain, engaging the primal fear response while reducing the involvement of higher-order reasoning. This process allows clients to access negative core beliefs and identify how these beliefs manifest in the body, thoughts, and behaviors. Part of the EMDR protocol involves identifying a negative core belief, targeting a memory associated with that belief, and integrating a positive belief into that memory.
Each Story Deserves to Be Told
I remember my clients’ stories—the details they share, the moments that cause them to look away or where their voices crack. I remember the humor, the sadness, the resilience in every story. Not one person’s experience is more or less valid than another’s. No one’s trauma is “too dramatic” or “not bad enough.” Every person deserves the right to feel safe, confident, and whole. Trauma isn’t a contest of adversity; it’s an individual journey. We don’t need to dismiss our pain because someone else may have had it worse. Just as someone has had it worse, someone else has had it better.
For more information about EMDR therapy, explore “Wrapping Our Minds Around EMDR” by Elizabeth Kowalik.
