By Meagen Gerchen, MSW, LCSW
Children are reaching new milestones every day, and it leaves parents thinking about how they
can continue to celebrate and connect with them each step of the way. I often find many families
coming into therapy sessions asking, “How do I get my child to talk with me?” or “How did I
miss what was happening in their life?” Here is a guide to help parents and guardians feel better
about knowing how to start a conversation and create a space to connect with their kids.
In all relationships, it’s important to have effective communication. Effective communication can
help us understand how others are thinking and feeling, and most importantly what the other
person needs. Here are five key points to remember:
Create a time to check in. This could be a conversation on the way to school, before dropping
them off at a sports practice, or as they are getting ready for bed. It’s a time in which you are
giving them your undivided attention to allow them to share. You can start the conversation by
simply asking “How was your day?” or “How have you been feeling?” and creating time to
listen. This is typically a 5-10 minute conversation that can happen throughout the week. It’s
important to lead with open-ended questions to encourage them to say more than just a “yes” or
“no” response. I always encourage having check-ins throughout the week, since feelings,
thoughts, and new situations can change and happen frequently.
Allow yourself to listen to your child. It’s important to give your child the space to express
themselves without any interruptions. Put away distractions (such as your cell phone or doing
another task), maintain eye contact with them, and show a genuine interest in what they have to
share with you. This allows time for them to engage in a conversation with you. If they are not in
the mood to share, that’s okay; however, when they do want to share, you need to be fully
present and open to listening.
Use Positive Affirmations. This is another important piece to provide positivity to your child.
They will feel validated when you use kind and uplifting language instead of criticizing or
critiquing words. Try to congratulate them on their accomplishments (no matter how big or
small). When your child feels validated, they will be more likely to communicate with you.
Create a judgment-free zone. It’s important to be open and allow your child to share and
express themselves, even if you may not agree with them. Let your child know that they can
come to you without any fear of judgment or punishment. They will feel more comfortable
talking with you if they know it’s not a threatening environment.
Do an Activity Together. Find something you have in common to do together. This can be
something as simple as playing a card game or board game at home, going outside for a walk,
sharing a meal, or sharing an experience. This will take planning, but there can be big rewards
for having one-on-one time together.
It is worth taking the time to try to work on communication skills to improve your relationships
with your children, but also with the other people around you! If you are feeling stuck, there are
various ways to strengthen your communication skills with the help of a therapist. In addition,
here are some great books I would recommend:
How to Talk to Kids So They Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk – Adele Faber and Elaine
Mazlish
The Art of Talking with Children: The Simple Keys to Nurturing Kindness, Creativity, and
Confidence