By Jennifer Van Luven, MSW, LCSW, CM
In today’s digital age, many of us communicate through memes, TikToks, and Reels as much as we do through words. When we send a funny, sarcastic, or pointed video to our partner about something “that’s wrong with them,” it often feels lighthearted or harmless, but our underlying intention is usually more complex.
Most of the time, we are not trying to attack or shame our partner. Instead, these messages tend to fall into a few deeper categories:
- We are trying to be heard without starting a fight.
Sending a TikTok or Reel can feel safer than saying, “This bothers me.” It allows us to express discomfort indirectly, without risking immediate conflict or emotional intensity. - We want validation for our feelings.
When a video resonates, it can feel like proof that “I’m not crazy” or “Other people deal with this too.” Sharing it is often a way of saying, Please understand why this affects me. - We are seeking connection through humor.
Humor can soften difficult topics. Many people use TikTok and Reels as a bridge, hoping that laughter will open the door to awareness or change. - We may be expressing resentment without realizing it.
If videos about your partner’s flaws become frequent, it may signal unresolved frustration. What starts as playful can slowly become passive-aggressive if not addressed directly. - We are asking for change without asking directly.
Often, the unspoken message is: I wish you would see this about yourself and do something differently. The problem is, indirect messages rarely lead to meaningful change.
Why This Matters
While sending TikToks and Reels can feel easier than having a vulnerable conversation, they can also leave your partner feeling criticized, mocked, or misunderstood — even if that wasn’t your intention.
Over time, repeated “jabs disguised as jokes” can erode emotional safety, making your partner less open rather than more receptive.
A Healthier Approach
Before hitting “send,” it’s helpful to ask:
- Am I trying to connect or correct?
- Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have?
- Would I be okay receiving this from them?
If something truly matters to you, it deserves a direct, compassionate conversation — not just a clip on a screen.
TikToks and Reels can be a doorway into communication, but they should never replace it.
The real intention behind sending TikToks or Reels about what’s “wrong” with our partner is rarely to hurt them. More often, it’s a quiet request: Please see me. Please understand me. Please change this with me.
And those requests are best honored face-to-face, not frame by frame.
