By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW
Brad was a smart, social, confident executive when he met Elizabeth at a party. There was an instant attraction, and they quickly began a serious relationship. He couldn’t believe how lucky he had gotten – Elizabeth was intelligent, funny, beautiful, and successful, and she was CRAZY about him. At first, he was flattered by her little fits of jealousy and her need to be with him all the time, but then she got more intense. She would get angry at him for seemingly innocuous things, and she would blow up in rages at him. Then the next day, she would sometimes act like nothing had happened, and question why he wouldn’t be as affectionate with her. He often felt confused and off-balance; he never knew what he might do that would set her off again.
As time went on, she started demanding that Brad spend all of her time with him, and would pout if he didn’t. Soon, Brad started saying no to friends and family because it was just easier than dealing with how Elizabeth might respond. She started saying mean things about some of his friends, and he started to question his judgment in choosing friends. He found himself pulling away from many of the people with whom he had once been close. Often, Elizabeth would launch verbal assaults on Brad after his tasks around the house failed to meet her standards. She would call him an “idiot,” say he was “unable to do anything right.” Gradually, Brad began to ask her before he did anything, as he began to feel that he couldn’t make even small decisions on his own. She criticized his career, said he wasn’t making enough money, and he started to feel incompetent in every area of his life. Ultimately, he lost his ability to trust himself and his abilities.
But Elizabeth knew just how far she could push Brad. When he would start to think that perhaps he couldn’t stay in the relationship anymore, she would become extremely sweet and loving again – just enough to lure him back in. But these good times were, however, always short-lived. As soon as he started to feel that maybe she really had changed, it would all start again. Each time he would try harder to make Elizabeth happy, but it was never enough.
Brad settled into a significant depression, and felt like a complete failure, despite outsiders thinking he had a “perfect life.” Elizabeth continued to use guilt trips on Brad for not giving her the kind of life she deserved, she was always blaming Brad for everything that was wrong. She would cry and say things like “if you loved me you would do anything to make me happy.” By this time, Brad’s self esteem was shattered and he was desperate for the small glimpses of approval and “love” that she would sparingly dole out. Brad was going in circles, but it never occurred to Brad that he was in an abusive relationship. He didn’t even really know what was wrong, but he was miserable in his life, and saw no way out.
Abuse, in any form, is a horrific and devastating life event. Most of us, when we hear of abuse, think of physical or sexual abuse – we are very aware that these abuses exist and know what they are. However, abuse is not always as obvious as a hit, a shove, or a touch – there is another type of scarring abuse that many of us do not even realize exists. It is called emotional abuse.
Emotional, or psychological, abuse is the most common type of abuse, yet it is the least talked about. A big reason for this is that it is often very subtle, and usually begins so gradually that many victims don’t realize that they are being emotionally abused for a long time. Many victims of emotional abuse report feeling very bewildered about the relationship, or like they are always “walking on eggshells.” They often feel that they are doing everything they possibly can, and trying not to mess up, yet it is never enough to keep their partner happy.
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident can constitute abuse, emotional abuse is usually more insidious and sneaks up on the victim gradually with a series of behaviors.
Emotional abuse can be defined as abuse characterized by a person subjecting another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post traumatic stress disorder. This abuse occurs when a person in a relationship tries to control and manipulate the other person to the point that their sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and unacceptable becomes very distorted and confused. But what does this abuse really look like? Some techniques are very overt and verbal, while others are more subtle and confusing. These are some of the most common types of emotional abuse:
- Extremely volatile mood swings – victims finds themselves “walking on eggshells” to avoid a blowup, never knowing what they may do to set their partner off, abuser frequently overreacts to small issues
- Gaslighting – the abuser provides false information or denies things that really happened in an attempt to make the victim doubt their own memory or trust their own judgment of situations
- Compulsive and repeated lying – anything from slightly twisting the truth to fit the abuser’s needs, all the way up to ridiculous, blatant lies
- Attempts to control/limit what the victim does or what they wear, telling the victim that normal activities are “inappropriate,” making the victim feel the need to “get permission” before making even small decisions, etc
- Guilt trips – blaming the victim for everything (including their own abusive behavior), denial of any wrongdoing themselves, abuser not accepting responsibility for actions and always playing the role of victim, double standards, lots of tears and drama
- Attempts to isolate the victim from family/friends – wanting the victim to spend all of their time with the abuser (to the point that it becomes easier for the victim to do just that instead of dealing with the aftermath), pitting the victim against others that they had been close to
- Unreasonable jealousy – accusing the victim of cheating or not allowing victim to do normal activities for fear of them being around the opposite sex
- Making the victim feel that the abuser is the only one who can help them, and that “no one else will love you like I do”
- Excessive monitoring – stalking the victim, constant calling/texting when not with victim to “check up” on them
- Using money, gifts, or finances to control the victim, or saying things like “after all I’ve done for you…”
- Verbal assaults, yelling, screaming, swearing
- Threatening or intimidating the victim to do what the abuser wants – using fear tactics, telling the victim that they will expose their secrets or vulnerabilities if they don’t comply with the abuser’s wishes, sometimes even threatening to harm the victim or themselves if the victim leaves the relationship
- Name calling or insults, constant put downs, criticizing (this can be done in form of teasing or sarcasm that is not really teasing at all), bringing up the victim’s past failures and never letting them go
- Passive aggressive behavior (the silent treatment, ignoring or not responding to texts/calls in a reasonable time frame, pouting, withholding affection, acting “gamey”) to get the victim to do things the abuser’s way
- Contemptuous or condescending looks or comments
- Humiliating or shaming the victim (privately and/or publicly)
It is important to note that an isolated incident of verbal misconduct or jealous behavior does not constitute emotional abuse. Rather, a pattern of some of these behaviors occurring over time is indicative of the problem. This abuse, like all domestic violence, is usually very cyclical. This means that it tends to follow a fairly predictable pattern over and over again. Usually, in the beginning, the abuser is extremely charming and complimentary, going above and beyond in attempts to win over the victim. During this time, the abuser might make showy gestures, or make early pronouncements of their devotion and love. It can seem almost too good to be true. This early stage is commonly referred to as “lovebombing”. Once they feel sure that the victim is hooked, the calm starts to fade and tensions start to build. At this point, the abuser will start to show some anger, and the victim starts to feel uneasy and a need to watch every move. Inevitably, something will trigger the abuser and they will lash out.
After a big blow up, the abuser will either minimize/deny the abuse, blame the victim, or in certain extreme instances, may beg forgiveness… but they always try to charm their way back into the victim’s good graces. Almost all abusive relationships have these periods of very intense highs, where things feel amazing and victims want to believe that the person that they fell in love with has returned. But then, the cycle begins again. Ultimately, the abuser seeks to have all of the power and control in the relationship, because in their mind, that is the only time that they can feel “safe” to function in the relationship. This may be intentional, subconscious, or both, but it is always extremely toxic.
Emotional abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, but physical abuse in relationships is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse. While domestic violence is one of the possible outcomes of emotional abuse, there are many other devastating effects from this abuse. The abused person starts to feel helpless and responsible for all of the problems in the relationship. They start to think that if they could only do everything right, they could make their partner happy again. Victims become beaten down. Many victims describe themselves as a shell of their former selves; this abuse has long term debilitating effects on a person’s sense of self esteem and integrity. Over time, many victims change the way they speak, behave, socialize, etc., in an effort to dodge the hurtful behavior. They gradually lose their identities. Victims become more vulnerable as time goes on, and eventually grow to believe all of the things the partner says to them, including that they are “stupid,” “crazy,” or “worthless.” They start to blame themselves for the partner’s abusive behavior.
Victims stay in these relationships for a variety of reasons. Abusers can convince victims that they are treating them this way to “help” them. And, since victims are oftentimes not being physically hit, some excuse the behavior and don’t call it abuse. Because of this, and because the abuse is often couched between good times, many victims often feel trapped in a relationship that they don’t feel “justified” to leave. Victims often realize deep down that something is not right, but they become paralyzed and feel that they are in a no-win situation. This is further perpetuated because victims have often been gradually isolated from their support group. Since the abuse is usually done in private, others have no idea what is really happening behind closed doors – and some victims fear that others wouldn't believe them if they tried to speak poorly about or leave their abuser. And worst of all, given the deep and profound effect of the abuse on their self esteem, most victims do not even feel they are worthy of a better relationship. Often, in a subconscious effort to survive in the relationship, victims actually normalize their mistreatment. Excusing or normalizing the abuse takes away a victim’s ability to see things clearly – victims often adopt a distorted world view and grow to ignore the abuse in order to minimize stress and conflict in the relationship. Once this happens, it becomes very scary. This lost clarity of what is acceptable or unacceptable leaves a victim very, very fragile. At this point, victims are essentially brainwashed to believe the reality that the abuser puts before them. They can then be further manipulated, taken advantage of, and treated horribly, without even being able to pinpoint why they are so depressed and miserable. This is crippling and leaves victims in a silent torment that can lead to serious mental health issues.
Every case of emotional abuse looks different – some abusers are more jealous, some are more verbally explosive, others are more passive aggressive. But no matter how it plays out, it is incredibly poisonous to one’s mental health and happiness. Some of the incidents or behaviors that you see with this abuse may not sound like much by themselves, but the cumulative disregard and manipulation takes a heavy toll on a person. It is important to educate ourselves, our children, and our friends and family about this type of abuse so that we can all recognize it and put a stop to it.
It doesn’t matter if you are a man, woman, old, young, gay, straight, well-educated, or not – it can happen to anyone. If you recognize yourself in these examples or fear that you are living in an emotionally abusive relationship, please talk to someone you really trust, or seek the help and support of a counselor to help you decide how to proceed. If you are a victim of this type of abuse, please keep in mind that victims often lose the ability to see things clearly and objectively, so it is critical to talk about it and get it “out of your head” so that another person can provide some objectivity and healthy perspective. You might really love your partner, but even if they tell you that they love you, they are not even capable of REAL love until they get serious help and treatment for their own issues (which may include deep insecurity, personality disorders, etc). Realize that the abuse is brought on by their issues and is not your fault! And, no matter how overwhelming it might feel, please know that there is always a way out. It might feel scary or embarrassing to talk about it at first, but it is worth addressing with a trusted person – because living in a silent hell is no way to live.
