By Cari McKnight, MSW, LCSW
Forgiveness can be a scary concept for a lot of us. When we hear that we “should forgive” someone who has deeply hurt us, many of us find ourselves balking. We start thinking that, if we forgive them, we excuse what they did to us. We think that we are condoning what they did. Maybe the other person isn’t really even sorry for their behavior. Should we let them off the hook that easily? Most of all, we worry that if we let that person back into our lives, that they will hurt us again.
But forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to mean any of these things. Forgiveness, in its most basic form, can be defined as “to release.” In the psychological community, forgiveness is generally defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of anger, resentment, or vengeance toward someone who has harmed us. This is something that we can all do, regardless of whether the offending person has apologized or asked for forgiveness… or not. We can even do this if the person who hurt us is no longer living. Forgiveness can happen whether or not our offender participates, because it is something that happens within us.
All of this may sound simplistic, but this does not mean that forgiveness is easy. Very few people can naturally and easily forgive. People tend to fall into one extreme or the other – either we cannot allow ourselves to truly feel the anger about the injustice done OR we feel it so strongly that we cannot let go of the resentment. In the first extreme scenario, we may have been taught as children that anger is not an acceptable emotion and so we never learned how to express it. We feel, perhaps unconsciously, that anger is bad, so we try to avoid getting angry at all costs. But most experts will share that before we can genuinely forgive, we need to be able to be angry, to feel the anger, and to express it. We need to know that expressing anger is not only ok, but necessary, so that we don’t inadvertently rush into a superficial peace that does not really last.
In the other extreme scenario, others of us cannot let go of our anger or ever move past it. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but it is important to address why we tend to hold onto resentment. Have we grown comfortable in the role of the victim? Do we have some childhood attachment issues that interfere with our ability to feel secure and trustful in the world? Or are we scared that we are not honoring ourselves if we stop being angry? It is important not to blame ourselves for being unable to let go, but instead to do some self-examination to understand our struggle so that we can learn how to let go of future resentments.
In going through this process, it is imperative that we not only understand what forgiveness is, but also what it is not. It is not condoning or excusing what the offender did. Nor is it forgetting their behavior. It doesn’t even mean that we have to “hug it out and make up” and let that person into our world again. Though forgiveness can help repair a relationship that has been damaged, it is critical to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is simply releasing the negative emotions toward another person. It is making a choice to no longer hate, resent, seek revenge, or let the offender have any negative power over us. Forgiving empowers us to acknowledge the pain we suffered, without letting that pain define us any longer.
For many, a common obstacle to forgiving is that we believe that we will always remember what the person did to hurt us. And it is true, forgiving does not erase the painful past. Just because we forgive, does not mean that we forget. Instead, in forgiving, we create a new way to remember and a new way to think about what happened. Perhaps we have more understanding about why someone was the way that they were, or we are able to look at something from a different perspective. Again, it’s not excusing or justifying the hurtful behavior, but it is looking at it with a deeper, fuller understanding. Ultimately, it is learning to find a way to get rid of the weight that has been burdening our spirit so that we can finally move on with our life.
If we do choose to reconcile and let someone back in, that is something related, but different. Reconciliation is choosing not only to forgive, but to take a step further and begin to trust someone again – to trust that they will not harm us again, to trust that they are capable of keeping their word. This is oftentimes a difficult decision. Though we always benefit from forgiving another person, we need to be more selective about with whom we reconcile. It only takes one person to forgive, but it takes two active participants to reconcile. And sadly, it is not necessarily wise to let everyone back in. Sometimes in life, we learn that certain people are toxic to us. Whether they are abusive, repeatedly dishonest, unable to keep their promises, manipulative, or simply not capable of loving as we deserve to be loved, sometimes it is best to put up a strong boundary with another person to protect ourselves.
Even if, however, we have the painful realization that we cannot open ourselves up to someone again, at the very least, we can forgive. Because forgiveness isn’t just for them, it is for us. It is necessary to forgive, even if we don’t choose to reconcile, if we want to be happy again. Until we make the decision to fully forgive and let go, the other person has power over us, power over our thoughts and emotions. They have us in chains, and only we can make the choice to get out and break free. The renowned ethicist Lewis B. Smedes said it perfectly. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”
Here are 4 basic steps that are critical in the forgiveness process:
- Let ourselves truly feel all of the emotions that the offense caused, and allow ourselves to express them. Don’t shortcut this process – make sure to cry, talk it out, yell, or do whatever it takes to voice all of the feelings involved. If we can do this with the person who offended us, that’s best. If not, any trusted confidant will suffice, such as a friend, family member, pastor, or professional therapist.
- Try to understand why it happened. Our brains have a hard time resting until we have created some sort of schema, or rationale, for why or how an event occurred. Even if we never have the chance to ask for or receive a reasonable answer, we need to go through this process in our minds and create a way of explaining the event to ourselves that is helpful for us.
- Allow for the goal of personal safety. We need to feel reasonably safe that the hurtful behavior will not happen again. Whether this comes by a sincere apology and reconciliation, by putting up stronger boundaries to protect ourselves, or even if it is by completely removing the offender from our lives, we cannot fully let go until we feel an overall safety that we will not be injured in that way again.
- And lastly, make the choice to let go. Letting go is a decision; it is a promise to ourselves that we will stop ruminating about and dwelling on what happened. (However, it is important not to confuse the act of letting go of our ruminations with the idea that the injury doesn’t matter.) If we do choose to take the extra step and proceed with reconciliation in a relationship, this step includes not bringing up the incident again and holding it over the other’s head in the future. It is truly letting it all go. This final step is often harder than it sounds: if we have not gone through the prior steps properly, we might find ourselves stuck at this final step and simply unable to let go.
No matter how difficult it might be, we are simply better off if we can dig deep and find a way to do the work so that we can truly forgive. Empirical research has repeatedly shown that people who are able to forgive are both happier and healthier. In numerous studies, it has been found that people who learn how to forgive perform better over the long-term both mentally (they report fewer anger issues, less mental anguish/pain, have more compassion, improved moods) and physically (they experience fewer immune system problems, fewer cardiovascular problems, reduced risk of cancer, and overall improved vitality). In fact, the health benefits of forgiveness are so clear and proven by multiple studies, it is becoming increasingly apparent that holding onto a long-term grudge can actually be physically self- destructive.
Forgiving can take a long time, and can be difficult to truly accomplish, but it is one of the best things we can do for ourselves – even if we choose not to reconcile. If you find yourself resistant or unsure, if you are stuck on one of the steps, if you are unclear if you should forgive and/or reconcile, or if you want help facilitating a reconciliation, seek the help of a professional therapist. Forgiving can be one of the most challenging things we ever do, but doing so authentically can be a life-changing, freeing experience.
